I originally thought this would just be a year's challenge - I didn't know if I would even make it out of the gate, or what I would learn along the way, or what I would have of value at the end. At the end of a year, I feel I've been given a glimpse of a secret, that something wondrous lies further down the path.
If last year was to begin the art of falling backwards, this coming year is to see what happens as a result of having transitioned, of living differently, and of continuing to transition on an even deeper level. What happens now that I've been meditating for several months? What more do I know about how to live, and what does it mean? In what ways will I be going deeper, learning more?
I'm recommitting to falling backwards in this new year. I want to maintain the practice of my challenge - to strengthen and connect, to balance, heal, & transform - and see what happens in a second year, when I have some momentum. To following my enthusiasm, whatever it is, and see where it leads me. To embracing the uncertainty and the journey - enjoying my curiosity and passion for it, trusting that if I pay attention, each new piece will appear as I need it.
I've been thinking about having a soul's Purpose - what I'm giving from my soul, in small and large ways,
what I want to give more of, and how / in what ways doing so will
provide for my needs and the needs of my family. And is it even
something I need to think about, or will it come about naturally?
I've learned that when I speak of falling backwards I'm talking about a shift in my way of being in the world - literally, breaking the habit of how I show up in my life and building new ones. Not just lifestyle habits, but personality habits as well.
Passion, purpose, joy, connection...what will happen as I continue to focus on a life built around these things?
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Thoughts about my Challenge after Year One
These are the questions I've put to myself, at the end of my year's challenge:
1. How has doing this challenge changed my life, in some measurable way?
I am healthier, less run down. I am physically stronger...able to do more in the gym, and enjoying being inside my body more. My back is better. I am happier moment to moment, and have more moments in my days that are infused with a sense of wonder. The only job I have right now is at the Stockyard Cafe, and I'm doing it in a very limited fashion, and the time I spend there makes me happy. It is a happy place, a little piece of heaven here on earth. It is the expression of a person (the owner) in a place in a time, and we all meet her there. She fills a need in the human soul and of the human body (it's a cafe, after all), and to be there is to be nourished. I am measuring my life in moments of peace, connection, bliss, happiness, a feeling that all is right. You cannot summon these moments; they come of their own accord, and what I can measure is how often they are happening, and how good they are making me feel. I think there's more to it; but this is a good start. I would never go back. This experiment was not a bust. It has been, instead, the beginning step in the life I want to live.
"Do what amuses you" is a piece of advice I heard, and it seems to be the best advice I've ever heard when it comes to what to do with yourself. I feel stronger in my heart, in my sense of self. I am more at peace. My marriage is stronger, my friendships more authentic. In a specific, measurable way, I can only say that I'm happier, less stressed, more able to tell you what I want from life.
Right now I feel I've made feeling good in my life, enjoying my days, building my relationships the highest priority in my life. I seem to be operating under the belief that I can't do this and make money at the same time. Maybe that's true. Maybe I needed a reprieve, no matter the cost. Has there been a big cost? I don't know. Have I been operating in lala land, not reality? I don't think so, but again, I don't know. I only know that I've been getting the break I've needed, the nourishment I've needed, the support I've needed. Where does my financial situation play into this? How much control do I need to exert over my circumstances? Can you really make a living operating from this point of view? Finding out is ahead of me.
2. Where am in terms of purpose, passion, joy & connection?
I still don't know what I think my purpose is...that thing I can sink my teeth into, the thing that is my contribution to the world, the way the Stockyard Cafe is my friend Christine's contribution. Not that there's only one contribution or even just one way to contribute. But something that's like a song in our soul that becomes amplified and resonates with other people, nourishing them somehow. I have this idea that this is how I should make my money and receive what I need from the world. Is this true? Or can I contribute in one way, and receive in another?
I want to find a definition of one's purpose that encompasses everything I think about it, how I want to approach it. It seems like one of those terms that's never defined because we all think we get it. Dismiss it, even, as being too obvious, too new age, too reaching, too something. This past year, I've approached it as some kind of Holy Grail, an answer to a yearning I've felt to make my way in this world and provide for myself and my family in a way that makes my soul sing. It's felt beyond me, but that might just be where I was in this journey.
It's funny that I put passion in my original thoughts about Falling Backwards. It's not something I've spent any time thinking about until recently. But I understand that it's always been central to me; I've steered away from anything that seemed to lack it. I don't know if it's at my core, or everyone's core, but I know that I want a life full of it. Not in a get-swept-away-in-the-moment exciting kind of passion, but the passion of being fully alive, fully present, fully interested, fully engaged. I have been following the thread of passion without knowing it, pushing away from what deflates me and embracing what brings life and energy to me. I think I'm living a life with a lot of passion in it at the moment, but I still haven't fully stepped into it, and am still fraught with the worries of not making enough money. I'll be trying to go deeper with this in the coming year's challenge.
Joy. I know more joy. I know more of what brings me joy. I know what takes away my joy. I have seen a glimpse, but this is the beginning of my journey. Joy is a sign you're doing something right.
Connection. This, I've come to believe, is the heart of the matter. I can't really tell you more than this, except that it's a big part of what I'll be exploring this next year. Connection to myself, the world and universe around me, connection to other people, to animals. I want to say that we find redemption in connection, but I don't even know what it means to say that. Connection is sacred and profound and somehow the key.
3. How much better do I know myself, and what I want for my life? How much closer am I to getting it?
Wow. Almost every day for the last 3 months, on the advice of Deepak Chopra, I've taken 5 minutes to meditate on the questions of who I am, what I want for my life, and what I want from my life today. I don't know if I know myself much better, but my thoughts about myself are much clearer. And I understand much more about what I want for my life. Doing this exercise allowed my to get past the top layer of what I want and really explore what's deeper, closer to my heart and my soul. I want more than I ever knew; I see the connections in what I want in ways I never have. And that's without yet going back to reread my thoughts each day after meditating. I'm excited to continue this practice as part of understanding what I want to do here on this earth, on both a daily and overarching level. I am closer to getting it, in the sense that each day I've done this practice, I've been more aligned with what I really want. I have had a better, more fulfilling year than I ever have since early childhood. And I sense that my harvest is young; that it's a first year harvest, that each year has the potential to be more abundant, like a garden that's coming back with more maturity, with stronger, deeper roots.
4. What are the new pieces on the challenge list, or do I simply keep up with the list and go deeper?
My main focus for the second year of my challenge will be to maintain and deepen what I've begun. I think it's a good list, with everything that's needed for a good and fulfilling life. This coming year will be an exploration of these things as I continue with them. Some things I have not accomplished as well as I hoped for the first year: how I eat, an issue with my bladder. But I think they go back to balancing, healing, and transforming. So I'm identifying them as areas of special interest this year, areas where I've had resistance, run out of steam. Integrating them is an important piece of the year's challenge. As I do so, I suspect I'll come up against things in myself that are asking to be addressed.
Deepening connections, and sussing out what I want to do here and if / how I can provide for myself in alignment with this way of viewing life and the world are the other big pieces.
Not as part of my challenge, but as part of the journey, I'll be exploring the impact my thoughts have on my life. Perhaps I will add in to the challenge my relationship with my thoughts, but for now I'm allowing my thoughts to be expressions of what's going on in this experiment and simply observing them.
The one new piece I'm going to add is Receiving - receiving forgiveness, receiving love, receiving abundance, and whatever else is out there to receive.
So, the pieces I'll be integrating next are:
5. When I look at the paragraph I wrote that heads up the blog ("It began with the desire to have less fear and more joy..."), where do I stand with those things?
Living inside the present moment means being aware of the conflicts that arise within us, I've learned. And I am doing it, living this life fully and with joie de vivre, warts and worries and all. I still have much I can do, to live even more that way, and I still have moments when I lapse into my old habits of thinking. I'm realigning what my mind focuses on, as a side effect of the tasks in my challenge.
My question going forward is, will this way of living - of falling backwards - lead my to material as well as soul prosperity? Is it possible to also meet my needs, in this circuitous and happy way? I feel that there are people out there for whom this has happened -- can I be one of them? Can we all? Is there any limit to achieving and receiving what we truly want? I mean, it all sounds good in theory, but can it happen in reality? Some people say so...I guess what I'm really asking, is can it truly happen for me?
6. What has the movement been? How have I experienced a shift? How am I and my life different?
It seems I'm living more on a heart and soul level. I've shifted the driver in my life from my head to my heart, and measure my success not in my pocketbook or my security, but in my ability to embrace uncertainty and how I feel in any given moment. I've quit trying to get to peace, contentment, and fulfillment through security and instead am going straight for them. I am beginning to connect to the people I care about on a different level, and the relationships that really mean something to me are responding in powerful ways. Other relationships are experiencing schisms that have been difficult to understand or accept, but when I let them be, I find they're resetting themselves naturally. I simply don't have to work that hard at it.
What I have had to work hard at are the habits of my mind and body. The challenge and the work has come down to seeing and resetting what isn't serving me, and that has brought about everything the word 'challenge' implies. Habits of thinking, of being, of relating. We tend to think that who we are is the habits that we are; this is simply not true. Who we are is our most authentic, most soul deep, point of view and expression of ourselves. It is not what we think; it's not how we act; it's what we love, and what we love to do. When what we think and how we act reflect what we love, we're getting somewhere. And when we are able to see our fear and feel our fear and thank our fear for watching out for us and then do what we love, we have real power. At least that's what I believe right now. We'll see what this next year brings, and how it affects me, my thoughts, my beliefs, and ultimately, my life. (Yay!)
1. How has doing this challenge changed my life, in some measurable way?
I am healthier, less run down. I am physically stronger...able to do more in the gym, and enjoying being inside my body more. My back is better. I am happier moment to moment, and have more moments in my days that are infused with a sense of wonder. The only job I have right now is at the Stockyard Cafe, and I'm doing it in a very limited fashion, and the time I spend there makes me happy. It is a happy place, a little piece of heaven here on earth. It is the expression of a person (the owner) in a place in a time, and we all meet her there. She fills a need in the human soul and of the human body (it's a cafe, after all), and to be there is to be nourished. I am measuring my life in moments of peace, connection, bliss, happiness, a feeling that all is right. You cannot summon these moments; they come of their own accord, and what I can measure is how often they are happening, and how good they are making me feel. I think there's more to it; but this is a good start. I would never go back. This experiment was not a bust. It has been, instead, the beginning step in the life I want to live.
"Do what amuses you" is a piece of advice I heard, and it seems to be the best advice I've ever heard when it comes to what to do with yourself. I feel stronger in my heart, in my sense of self. I am more at peace. My marriage is stronger, my friendships more authentic. In a specific, measurable way, I can only say that I'm happier, less stressed, more able to tell you what I want from life.
Right now I feel I've made feeling good in my life, enjoying my days, building my relationships the highest priority in my life. I seem to be operating under the belief that I can't do this and make money at the same time. Maybe that's true. Maybe I needed a reprieve, no matter the cost. Has there been a big cost? I don't know. Have I been operating in lala land, not reality? I don't think so, but again, I don't know. I only know that I've been getting the break I've needed, the nourishment I've needed, the support I've needed. Where does my financial situation play into this? How much control do I need to exert over my circumstances? Can you really make a living operating from this point of view? Finding out is ahead of me.
2. Where am in terms of purpose, passion, joy & connection?
I still don't know what I think my purpose is...that thing I can sink my teeth into, the thing that is my contribution to the world, the way the Stockyard Cafe is my friend Christine's contribution. Not that there's only one contribution or even just one way to contribute. But something that's like a song in our soul that becomes amplified and resonates with other people, nourishing them somehow. I have this idea that this is how I should make my money and receive what I need from the world. Is this true? Or can I contribute in one way, and receive in another?
I want to find a definition of one's purpose that encompasses everything I think about it, how I want to approach it. It seems like one of those terms that's never defined because we all think we get it. Dismiss it, even, as being too obvious, too new age, too reaching, too something. This past year, I've approached it as some kind of Holy Grail, an answer to a yearning I've felt to make my way in this world and provide for myself and my family in a way that makes my soul sing. It's felt beyond me, but that might just be where I was in this journey.
It's funny that I put passion in my original thoughts about Falling Backwards. It's not something I've spent any time thinking about until recently. But I understand that it's always been central to me; I've steered away from anything that seemed to lack it. I don't know if it's at my core, or everyone's core, but I know that I want a life full of it. Not in a get-swept-away-in-the-moment exciting kind of passion, but the passion of being fully alive, fully present, fully interested, fully engaged. I have been following the thread of passion without knowing it, pushing away from what deflates me and embracing what brings life and energy to me. I think I'm living a life with a lot of passion in it at the moment, but I still haven't fully stepped into it, and am still fraught with the worries of not making enough money. I'll be trying to go deeper with this in the coming year's challenge.
Joy. I know more joy. I know more of what brings me joy. I know what takes away my joy. I have seen a glimpse, but this is the beginning of my journey. Joy is a sign you're doing something right.
Connection. This, I've come to believe, is the heart of the matter. I can't really tell you more than this, except that it's a big part of what I'll be exploring this next year. Connection to myself, the world and universe around me, connection to other people, to animals. I want to say that we find redemption in connection, but I don't even know what it means to say that. Connection is sacred and profound and somehow the key.
3. How much better do I know myself, and what I want for my life? How much closer am I to getting it?
Wow. Almost every day for the last 3 months, on the advice of Deepak Chopra, I've taken 5 minutes to meditate on the questions of who I am, what I want for my life, and what I want from my life today. I don't know if I know myself much better, but my thoughts about myself are much clearer. And I understand much more about what I want for my life. Doing this exercise allowed my to get past the top layer of what I want and really explore what's deeper, closer to my heart and my soul. I want more than I ever knew; I see the connections in what I want in ways I never have. And that's without yet going back to reread my thoughts each day after meditating. I'm excited to continue this practice as part of understanding what I want to do here on this earth, on both a daily and overarching level. I am closer to getting it, in the sense that each day I've done this practice, I've been more aligned with what I really want. I have had a better, more fulfilling year than I ever have since early childhood. And I sense that my harvest is young; that it's a first year harvest, that each year has the potential to be more abundant, like a garden that's coming back with more maturity, with stronger, deeper roots.
4. What are the new pieces on the challenge list, or do I simply keep up with the list and go deeper?
My main focus for the second year of my challenge will be to maintain and deepen what I've begun. I think it's a good list, with everything that's needed for a good and fulfilling life. This coming year will be an exploration of these things as I continue with them. Some things I have not accomplished as well as I hoped for the first year: how I eat, an issue with my bladder. But I think they go back to balancing, healing, and transforming. So I'm identifying them as areas of special interest this year, areas where I've had resistance, run out of steam. Integrating them is an important piece of the year's challenge. As I do so, I suspect I'll come up against things in myself that are asking to be addressed.
Deepening connections, and sussing out what I want to do here and if / how I can provide for myself in alignment with this way of viewing life and the world are the other big pieces.
Not as part of my challenge, but as part of the journey, I'll be exploring the impact my thoughts have on my life. Perhaps I will add in to the challenge my relationship with my thoughts, but for now I'm allowing my thoughts to be expressions of what's going on in this experiment and simply observing them.
The one new piece I'm going to add is Receiving - receiving forgiveness, receiving love, receiving abundance, and whatever else is out there to receive.
So, the pieces I'll be integrating next are:
- Continuing and deepening what I'm already doing
- Eating well
- Balancing my mind and body
- Connecting
- Receiving
- Purpose - what I'm giving from my soul, in small and large ways, what I want to give more of, and how / in what ways doing so will provide for my needs and the needs of my family. Ad is it even something I need to think about, or will it come about naturally?
5. When I look at the paragraph I wrote that heads up the blog ("It began with the desire to have less fear and more joy..."), where do I stand with those things?
Living inside the present moment means being aware of the conflicts that arise within us, I've learned. And I am doing it, living this life fully and with joie de vivre, warts and worries and all. I still have much I can do, to live even more that way, and I still have moments when I lapse into my old habits of thinking. I'm realigning what my mind focuses on, as a side effect of the tasks in my challenge.
My question going forward is, will this way of living - of falling backwards - lead my to material as well as soul prosperity? Is it possible to also meet my needs, in this circuitous and happy way? I feel that there are people out there for whom this has happened -- can I be one of them? Can we all? Is there any limit to achieving and receiving what we truly want? I mean, it all sounds good in theory, but can it happen in reality? Some people say so...I guess what I'm really asking, is can it truly happen for me?
6. What has the movement been? How have I experienced a shift? How am I and my life different?
It seems I'm living more on a heart and soul level. I've shifted the driver in my life from my head to my heart, and measure my success not in my pocketbook or my security, but in my ability to embrace uncertainty and how I feel in any given moment. I've quit trying to get to peace, contentment, and fulfillment through security and instead am going straight for them. I am beginning to connect to the people I care about on a different level, and the relationships that really mean something to me are responding in powerful ways. Other relationships are experiencing schisms that have been difficult to understand or accept, but when I let them be, I find they're resetting themselves naturally. I simply don't have to work that hard at it.
What I have had to work hard at are the habits of my mind and body. The challenge and the work has come down to seeing and resetting what isn't serving me, and that has brought about everything the word 'challenge' implies. Habits of thinking, of being, of relating. We tend to think that who we are is the habits that we are; this is simply not true. Who we are is our most authentic, most soul deep, point of view and expression of ourselves. It is not what we think; it's not how we act; it's what we love, and what we love to do. When what we think and how we act reflect what we love, we're getting somewhere. And when we are able to see our fear and feel our fear and thank our fear for watching out for us and then do what we love, we have real power. At least that's what I believe right now. We'll see what this next year brings, and how it affects me, my thoughts, my beliefs, and ultimately, my life. (Yay!)
Robots Love Pie
My son created a slogan, which in my mind, is pure poetry. "Robots love pie". Incongruous, and perfect, to a pie lover like me. I love the absurdity of it. I can't tell you what truth resides in this little saying, but there's truth there. And magic. I can feel it. From the mouth of kindergarteners. Ignore the pint sized sages at your own risk!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Fear & Loathing
The essence of conflict is two or more points of view that appear irreconcilable, or that bring up questions for us that we don't know how to answer. It's difficult, I think, to sort through everything you feel and then see your way through it to what you really want. For instance, leaving your job (and the security it provides to you and your loved ones) to follow your dreams, or even find out what your dreams are, creates conflict in everyone I've ever known.
And many people I know, including myself until recently, respond by believing that being comfortable and safe trumps all. (My need for security turned up after I had a child) If they can't see how following their dreams will allow them to continue as they've become accustomed, they'll abandon it. But are the people who settle, in the end, comfortable or safe? Some may be. But others -- they might have nice houses, but they have health problems, or marriage problems, or problems with their kids or addictions, or feel a sense of lack they can't define. All signs of conflict.
So how do you know which side of yourself to listen to? How do you set a course of action when you are being pulled in multiple directions? And how do you find some peace and equanimity in your choice?
This is what I'm exploring.
By default, we often listen to the voice of fear, the part of ourselves that makes sure we are secure, safe, and staying alive. It is a LOUD and INSISTENT voice, a feeling that floods our body, a form of extreme stress. It is beyond uncomfortable to violate whatever boundary we have around our safety, and the beliefs that underlay our point of view. But our heroes, the stuff of stories and legend, are those who seem immune. We yearn to shed the fear and do the things that feel great and wondrous to us, or at the very least we want to hear stories about them.
Our society today spends so much time reassuring people that the choice they've made is the right one: Of course you both have to work, your kids will grow up fine; of course you had to leave, that marriage wasn't working; of course you are managing the stress of living paycheck to paycheck on a combined income over $100K, it's fine to believe that smartphones, cable TV, nice cars, a house we feel is respectable enough, and a yearly trip to the family vacation spot are actually needs. (Even if we know they're not, we would never cut them out in order to quit living paycheck to paycheck and alleviate our stress.)
The rub is, none of us, not a single one, know the truth of these statements for another person. In your own life, you are the only one who can ultimately discern whether these statements are supportive (your spouse died and you have no choice but to work, or the work you do is a true soul's calling, or your child is better off all day in an institution / school than with you) or simply reinforce your justification of the choice you've made.
I've come to believe our health and happiness depends on our personal ability to find our way through our conflicted feelings, to understand where fear (and loathing) are guiding our actions, and where we are living from the soul. There is a right and wrong answer, but only we can find it for ourselves, and we can only find it if we're willing to look past our fear of not having enough, or not being enough.
Understanding this, while critical, is just the first piece. We have to find a way to reconcile these opposing feelings, to acknowledge what isn't working for us and find a solution that gives us what we ultimately truly want. It is okay to need a certain level of security. It's natural. And our fear lets us know, sometimes wisely, that we're pushing a personal limit. But why do we allow this fear to derail our deepest desires in the process? I'm going to assert, at this point in my journey, that the solution is there: That is the Universe's / God's promise to us. The creativity, the uncertainty, that gives birth to possibility -- in this lies the promise. We doubt it, but it's there, if we are willing to let go of how we've always thought and done and go find it.
This is coming to a head for me right now. There are things about my finances that simply aren't working for me. The pressure to go against what I feel is right for myself and my family right now and make more money is enormous. It comes from my fear. It also comes from not having the relationship that I want with money and our finances.
In the past, I succumbed to that fear and found a way to make money, which added stress to my life. Now I'm faced with that same fear again but want to do things differently. I don't know what will happen. But I've stepped outside the pattern, put words to my fears, know that faith or reaction alone isn't the answer. Something in my life isn't working, but I don't have to follow the same old tired way of solving it. This time, I'm finding something new to bring to the table. I started with a conversation with my husband about how the situation is making me feel, and a commitment to work together in our finances. It sounds small, but it feels monumental, so I know I'm on to something.
While the distance between need and greed may be debatable, we all want to live in a sense of abundance. We want to have more than we need; to be able to be generous, to share our bounty, and to feel bounty in our lives. Don't we deserve to? This is not a sarcastic comment. Don't we all deserve to? Isn't it our birthright on this planet to create a life of abundance?
In my mind, this is the crux of it. We know we deserve that abundance, but we've become confused about how to get it. Fear is in control, in the form of the need to pay the bills, so it colors how we think abundance can be achieved.
What is the role that our society should play around these questions of how we live our lives? It's not what we do -- work or not work when there are children who need us, stay or leave a marriage, buy the things we want -- it's what behind it. I believe it does us no service to blindly reassure each other that we're making the right choices, because it's the drive behind the choices, the way we see our choices and our lives, the understanding of ourselves and what we're here to do that's so critical. We can't afford to be lost but not know it. We can't afford to not challenge each other, to seek the truth of where our choices come from and hold that mirror up for each other, with compassion and support.
Thoughts about this are not the same as answers, I know. But very simply, I recognize that there is a conflict in me between my need to survive and my need to thrive. There has to be a way to reconcile them, by identifying what I truly want and need, and finding creative ways to both support that and survive. To be creative requires a willingness to go deep into the unknown, because that is the birthplace of what's possible. And that takes faith, connection, gratitude, and grace.
As I read back over the last paragraph, it seems like finding a creative solution is a no-brainer, and nothing we haven't heard before, I know. But if it was that clear, and that obvious, people would do it all the time. We don't see that these conflicts within us can be reconciled, so we have come to believe that it's normal to struggle with the conflicts that come in turn, and that to be supportive is to commiserate with the effects of choices that aren't working for us, as if there's no other way but to endure. We see settling as obvious.
I'm on a new path, one that's much less traveled.
I'll let you know how it goes...
And many people I know, including myself until recently, respond by believing that being comfortable and safe trumps all. (My need for security turned up after I had a child) If they can't see how following their dreams will allow them to continue as they've become accustomed, they'll abandon it. But are the people who settle, in the end, comfortable or safe? Some may be. But others -- they might have nice houses, but they have health problems, or marriage problems, or problems with their kids or addictions, or feel a sense of lack they can't define. All signs of conflict.
So how do you know which side of yourself to listen to? How do you set a course of action when you are being pulled in multiple directions? And how do you find some peace and equanimity in your choice?
This is what I'm exploring.
By default, we often listen to the voice of fear, the part of ourselves that makes sure we are secure, safe, and staying alive. It is a LOUD and INSISTENT voice, a feeling that floods our body, a form of extreme stress. It is beyond uncomfortable to violate whatever boundary we have around our safety, and the beliefs that underlay our point of view. But our heroes, the stuff of stories and legend, are those who seem immune. We yearn to shed the fear and do the things that feel great and wondrous to us, or at the very least we want to hear stories about them.
Our society today spends so much time reassuring people that the choice they've made is the right one: Of course you both have to work, your kids will grow up fine; of course you had to leave, that marriage wasn't working; of course you are managing the stress of living paycheck to paycheck on a combined income over $100K, it's fine to believe that smartphones, cable TV, nice cars, a house we feel is respectable enough, and a yearly trip to the family vacation spot are actually needs. (Even if we know they're not, we would never cut them out in order to quit living paycheck to paycheck and alleviate our stress.)
The rub is, none of us, not a single one, know the truth of these statements for another person. In your own life, you are the only one who can ultimately discern whether these statements are supportive (your spouse died and you have no choice but to work, or the work you do is a true soul's calling, or your child is better off all day in an institution / school than with you) or simply reinforce your justification of the choice you've made.
I've come to believe our health and happiness depends on our personal ability to find our way through our conflicted feelings, to understand where fear (and loathing) are guiding our actions, and where we are living from the soul. There is a right and wrong answer, but only we can find it for ourselves, and we can only find it if we're willing to look past our fear of not having enough, or not being enough.
Understanding this, while critical, is just the first piece. We have to find a way to reconcile these opposing feelings, to acknowledge what isn't working for us and find a solution that gives us what we ultimately truly want. It is okay to need a certain level of security. It's natural. And our fear lets us know, sometimes wisely, that we're pushing a personal limit. But why do we allow this fear to derail our deepest desires in the process? I'm going to assert, at this point in my journey, that the solution is there: That is the Universe's / God's promise to us. The creativity, the uncertainty, that gives birth to possibility -- in this lies the promise. We doubt it, but it's there, if we are willing to let go of how we've always thought and done and go find it.
This is coming to a head for me right now. There are things about my finances that simply aren't working for me. The pressure to go against what I feel is right for myself and my family right now and make more money is enormous. It comes from my fear. It also comes from not having the relationship that I want with money and our finances.
In the past, I succumbed to that fear and found a way to make money, which added stress to my life. Now I'm faced with that same fear again but want to do things differently. I don't know what will happen. But I've stepped outside the pattern, put words to my fears, know that faith or reaction alone isn't the answer. Something in my life isn't working, but I don't have to follow the same old tired way of solving it. This time, I'm finding something new to bring to the table. I started with a conversation with my husband about how the situation is making me feel, and a commitment to work together in our finances. It sounds small, but it feels monumental, so I know I'm on to something.
While the distance between need and greed may be debatable, we all want to live in a sense of abundance. We want to have more than we need; to be able to be generous, to share our bounty, and to feel bounty in our lives. Don't we deserve to? This is not a sarcastic comment. Don't we all deserve to? Isn't it our birthright on this planet to create a life of abundance?
In my mind, this is the crux of it. We know we deserve that abundance, but we've become confused about how to get it. Fear is in control, in the form of the need to pay the bills, so it colors how we think abundance can be achieved.
What is the role that our society should play around these questions of how we live our lives? It's not what we do -- work or not work when there are children who need us, stay or leave a marriage, buy the things we want -- it's what behind it. I believe it does us no service to blindly reassure each other that we're making the right choices, because it's the drive behind the choices, the way we see our choices and our lives, the understanding of ourselves and what we're here to do that's so critical. We can't afford to be lost but not know it. We can't afford to not challenge each other, to seek the truth of where our choices come from and hold that mirror up for each other, with compassion and support.
Thoughts about this are not the same as answers, I know. But very simply, I recognize that there is a conflict in me between my need to survive and my need to thrive. There has to be a way to reconcile them, by identifying what I truly want and need, and finding creative ways to both support that and survive. To be creative requires a willingness to go deep into the unknown, because that is the birthplace of what's possible. And that takes faith, connection, gratitude, and grace.
As I read back over the last paragraph, it seems like finding a creative solution is a no-brainer, and nothing we haven't heard before, I know. But if it was that clear, and that obvious, people would do it all the time. We don't see that these conflicts within us can be reconciled, so we have come to believe that it's normal to struggle with the conflicts that come in turn, and that to be supportive is to commiserate with the effects of choices that aren't working for us, as if there's no other way but to endure. We see settling as obvious.
I'm on a new path, one that's much less traveled.
I'll let you know how it goes...
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Next
So what now? I'm to the point where all of the things on my challenge list are being done, as a regular part of my life. My weakest area is how I eat. That's the only area that I don't feel on track. And it plays into how I see my challenge shifting.
How I nourish my body is one piece.
Really finding the groove of all I've incorporated is another.
Changing my relationship with money (and time?) is another.
Lightening up is on there too.
Balancing and healing.
Focusing on connection.
And finding my purpose, and doing it.
I did find another job, easy as pie. The day I left on vacation after quitting my job, I put a couple of calls out. Christine, my favorite boss ever and the owner of an off the beaten path breakfast joint called The Stockyard Cafe, called me back. She needed me, in fact the timing was fortuitous. We would help each other out. The day after I got back from my vacation, I was back to work. Making slightly less money, but in a world that makes me happy. With a boss who believes I'm as beneficial to her as she is to me; who wants the job to work in my life as well as in hers. Who is a good friend and fun to be around. A temporary job with no set end date -- just what I need right now.
Things have been shifting rapidly since September. School started, and now I have just a 2 hour window each day to myself to work. I find myself stealing time in the afternoons and evenings, which makes me want to find a daily schedule that works without that strange pressure. In October, we went on a road trip and I switched jobs; this month I'm reeling from that and spent the Thanksgiving holidays with my husband's family, which adds to the sense of being jostled around.
I want this schedule, this time with my son. I love it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But I'd like to get in a rhythm. I'd like to feel like I have time to do the things I want to attend to. I think this stems mostly from where I am in the challenge, trying to sort through what to do next, learning so much and needing the time to process and incorporate it. So that's what I'm trying to do here, and in the next few posts.
How I nourish my body is one piece.
Really finding the groove of all I've incorporated is another.
Changing my relationship with money (and time?) is another.
Lightening up is on there too.
Balancing and healing.
Focusing on connection.
And finding my purpose, and doing it.
I did find another job, easy as pie. The day I left on vacation after quitting my job, I put a couple of calls out. Christine, my favorite boss ever and the owner of an off the beaten path breakfast joint called The Stockyard Cafe, called me back. She needed me, in fact the timing was fortuitous. We would help each other out. The day after I got back from my vacation, I was back to work. Making slightly less money, but in a world that makes me happy. With a boss who believes I'm as beneficial to her as she is to me; who wants the job to work in my life as well as in hers. Who is a good friend and fun to be around. A temporary job with no set end date -- just what I need right now.
Things have been shifting rapidly since September. School started, and now I have just a 2 hour window each day to myself to work. I find myself stealing time in the afternoons and evenings, which makes me want to find a daily schedule that works without that strange pressure. In October, we went on a road trip and I switched jobs; this month I'm reeling from that and spent the Thanksgiving holidays with my husband's family, which adds to the sense of being jostled around.
I want this schedule, this time with my son. I love it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But I'd like to get in a rhythm. I'd like to feel like I have time to do the things I want to attend to. I think this stems mostly from where I am in the challenge, trying to sort through what to do next, learning so much and needing the time to process and incorporate it. So that's what I'm trying to do here, and in the next few posts.
October & November Challenge Update
As I look back at my posts for this year, my challenge updates are my least favorite. Valuable to me, I suppose, in terms of tracking progress in detail, but boring. I'm going to have to figure out a new way to note those details without asking you, dear reader, to wade through them with me.
Already I am turning to the end of the year, to looking back and seeing how my grand experiment worked out. I feel that, as if this were a magazine article, these posts should be clear, well thought out, and resolved somehow, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel as if I spent this last year on the trail of a treasure map, and while I found it (!!!) I'm now looking at it, trying to decipher it and figure out what to do next. So please forgive me if this post is an effort to gain clarity and direction.
What I can tell you for sure is that they were right, all those gurus, talking about exercise and meditation, eating right and getting enough sleep. That's no surprise, I mean, we all know it makes sense, right? And right was the little guru inside me. I was right to upend everything and follow my heart, my soul, my instincts; I was right to let go of how I thought I was supposed to do things and fall backwards, in spite of the risk.
What I couldn't have told you is WHY the gurus were right. Looking back, I thought that doing those things -- meditating, eating right -- would fit into the life I'd constructed for myself, the way I had of doing things. That they would make the merry-go-round I was on more enjoyable or more bearable. They would make it easier to do what I was already doing.
It doesn't work like that, though. It's only true to a degree. Remember my analogy of the rocks fitting into the jar, how I decided that my job and obligations would no longer be the big rocks, that meditation and taking care of myself would be? It turns out that the job I had didn't fit in the jar if it wasn't a big rock. It turns out I had to let go of that job and find one that fit.
Doing these things, the nuts and bolts of the challenge, didn't make my life work better as it was. I mean, they did, but there was more. Doing them made me see my life differently, live my life differently. And I am happier. If there's one sure way to measure the success of my challenge, that's it. Happiness is concrete and ethereal at the same time; difficult to define but easy to identify. I am no more secure in some ways than I was before -- money in the bank, income, etc (possibly even less) -- but I am secure in a deeper, more profound, more connected way. It's how you see your security that matters. Which makes sense, because security is all in our minds, anyway.
When I look back at the challenge list, for the most part I'm doing all of it, with little effort. They have become how I prefer to live my days. They are what I spend my time on, and my world hasn't imploded as a result. I am stronger, in every way, more healed, replenished. I am still healing, but I am miles from where I started. Meditating, sleeping, exercising, spending time outdoors, and nourishing my relationships are my big rocks, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I started a painting, and hope to finish it by the end of the year. I'm wondering what my purpose here is, that thing that will set my heart on fire, and shaping my challenge for next year. I feel as if my challenge is really only half done, in terms of the art of falling backwards. Finding my passion and purpose, and practicing them - doing them - is still on the table.
I am finding my place in the universe, and that makes me feel secure in ways that money never could. As I wind down this year, new doors are opening. If last January I went in search of a treasure map with little more to aid me than O Magazine, stories and images that popped up in my life, and my own sense of the world, then this coming year will be about following the path on the map.
And the map? It's the trail of clues the universe has given me. I'm not looking down at the map, concise, linear, clearly marked from here to there. Like Alice in Wonderland, I followed the rabbit down the hole and am living inside the map. It's a journey of discovery, and promise. I feel as if it's my mind that's struggling to catch up, make sense of things, have a plan so I can structure my days accordingly. Do I need to? I'm not sure. But I do know that all of these thoughts need a place to go. Because I'm basically figuring this out on my own, aided by the words of those who've gone before and marked the path, I need some kind of clarity around what I'm doing, and why.
That's what I'll be working on this next month, sorting out what all I've learned and where I'm going with it. Figuring out what my days will look like, shaping the next piece of my challenge. With gratitude, since Thanksgiving has reminded me how important gratitude, and grace, are in the world, and in my heart.
Already I am turning to the end of the year, to looking back and seeing how my grand experiment worked out. I feel that, as if this were a magazine article, these posts should be clear, well thought out, and resolved somehow, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel as if I spent this last year on the trail of a treasure map, and while I found it (!!!) I'm now looking at it, trying to decipher it and figure out what to do next. So please forgive me if this post is an effort to gain clarity and direction.
What I can tell you for sure is that they were right, all those gurus, talking about exercise and meditation, eating right and getting enough sleep. That's no surprise, I mean, we all know it makes sense, right? And right was the little guru inside me. I was right to upend everything and follow my heart, my soul, my instincts; I was right to let go of how I thought I was supposed to do things and fall backwards, in spite of the risk.
What I couldn't have told you is WHY the gurus were right. Looking back, I thought that doing those things -- meditating, eating right -- would fit into the life I'd constructed for myself, the way I had of doing things. That they would make the merry-go-round I was on more enjoyable or more bearable. They would make it easier to do what I was already doing.
It doesn't work like that, though. It's only true to a degree. Remember my analogy of the rocks fitting into the jar, how I decided that my job and obligations would no longer be the big rocks, that meditation and taking care of myself would be? It turns out that the job I had didn't fit in the jar if it wasn't a big rock. It turns out I had to let go of that job and find one that fit.
Doing these things, the nuts and bolts of the challenge, didn't make my life work better as it was. I mean, they did, but there was more. Doing them made me see my life differently, live my life differently. And I am happier. If there's one sure way to measure the success of my challenge, that's it. Happiness is concrete and ethereal at the same time; difficult to define but easy to identify. I am no more secure in some ways than I was before -- money in the bank, income, etc (possibly even less) -- but I am secure in a deeper, more profound, more connected way. It's how you see your security that matters. Which makes sense, because security is all in our minds, anyway.
When I look back at the challenge list, for the most part I'm doing all of it, with little effort. They have become how I prefer to live my days. They are what I spend my time on, and my world hasn't imploded as a result. I am stronger, in every way, more healed, replenished. I am still healing, but I am miles from where I started. Meditating, sleeping, exercising, spending time outdoors, and nourishing my relationships are my big rocks, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I started a painting, and hope to finish it by the end of the year. I'm wondering what my purpose here is, that thing that will set my heart on fire, and shaping my challenge for next year. I feel as if my challenge is really only half done, in terms of the art of falling backwards. Finding my passion and purpose, and practicing them - doing them - is still on the table.
I am finding my place in the universe, and that makes me feel secure in ways that money never could. As I wind down this year, new doors are opening. If last January I went in search of a treasure map with little more to aid me than O Magazine, stories and images that popped up in my life, and my own sense of the world, then this coming year will be about following the path on the map.
And the map? It's the trail of clues the universe has given me. I'm not looking down at the map, concise, linear, clearly marked from here to there. Like Alice in Wonderland, I followed the rabbit down the hole and am living inside the map. It's a journey of discovery, and promise. I feel as if it's my mind that's struggling to catch up, make sense of things, have a plan so I can structure my days accordingly. Do I need to? I'm not sure. But I do know that all of these thoughts need a place to go. Because I'm basically figuring this out on my own, aided by the words of those who've gone before and marked the path, I need some kind of clarity around what I'm doing, and why.
That's what I'll be working on this next month, sorting out what all I've learned and where I'm going with it. Figuring out what my days will look like, shaping the next piece of my challenge. With gratitude, since Thanksgiving has reminded me how important gratitude, and grace, are in the world, and in my heart.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Month 9 Challenge Update - September
September flew by so fast that I'm doing my monthly challenge update halfway through October. Crazy! Is this something I'm going to have to get used to about my life these days? As far as my challenge goes, it's taking me down its ever winding path...the key piece is routine and a positive feedback loop. Basically, getting the ball rolling and enjoying how it rolls makes keeping it rolling a lot easier. So at this point, I've created my daily routine that is good for me mentally, physically, and emotionally and I'm just going along my days doing it. Key things in my marriage, my finances, and my son's health are being addressed. My own health is just moving along. I'm spending most of my time with my son, who's 1/2 day in kindergarten, and when he's at school I'm painting or meeting with my husband.
"Living life is like constructing a building; if you start wrong, you'll end wrong." - Maya Angelou
Part of falling backwards is reworking the foundation of your life and trusting what will be built as a result. It's letting go of the urgent business of survival and focusing instead on what's most important overall. It's giving yourself a chance to right what was wrong so your building and your life are strong.
The question for me now is, what's going to happen as a result? My challenge technically ends in 2 and 1/2 months. A week ago, I up and quit my job based on instinct. We have very little money. What will happen? Will we be provided for? I made a few calls, feel open to what comes. So what will? And how will it affect my life overall?
"Living life is like constructing a building; if you start wrong, you'll end wrong." - Maya Angelou
Part of falling backwards is reworking the foundation of your life and trusting what will be built as a result. It's letting go of the urgent business of survival and focusing instead on what's most important overall. It's giving yourself a chance to right what was wrong so your building and your life are strong.
The question for me now is, what's going to happen as a result? My challenge technically ends in 2 and 1/2 months. A week ago, I up and quit my job based on instinct. We have very little money. What will happen? Will we be provided for? I made a few calls, feel open to what comes. So what will? And how will it affect my life overall?
Friday, August 31, 2012
Month 8 Challenge Update (month 6 & 7 included!)
Tomorrow is Sept 1, Sept 2 is my 39th birthday. Somewhere along the way, this past decade, either someone told me or I decided on my own, that 38 would be a magical year for me. And it has been. It's the year that I began to figure out how I want to live, grieved, found my vulnerability, opened my heart. Began to require that my friendships give to me as much as I give to them, and have the grace then to receive it.
The look of my challenge changed this summer. I ran out if the energy to be so disciplined about everything - a true summer vacation. And now I'm tired of the lack of discipline, as summer's coming to a close. It's given me that chance to reflect on the challenge. When I started it back in January, I had no idea how to be happy on a day to day basis. I felt caught up in the same daily drama I saw all around me, in most of the people I know. So I'd chucked everything I'd been taught about how to live and cultivated instead the art of falling backwards. I made a list of all the advice the gurus had given (exercise, meditate, drink green tea, etc), and started to methodically live them. And it worked. Even as I struggled, I felt my life shifting.
This summer, though I haven't been blogging, I've been diving deeper into that idea. I haven't been exercising or meditating except when I've felt like it, but I've been doing other things. Rather than work from the outside in, which is what I did when I set up my challenge and through May, I began to work from the inside out. I let go of, gave away, and cut out. I challenged and accepted the response of what I'd been holding onto out of fear. I cleaned out my closet, my house, my garage. I let go of baby things, even though I've desperately wanted another. I told my father what I hoped for our relationship, and when he told me he was not going there and abruptly ended the conversation, I let go of that, too. I let go of what wasn't right in my finances, in my marriage, as a mother, as a sister, as a friend. I let go of my job, though I still work there some, I'm on my way out. I made room for the life that's mine to live, if I only dare to live it.
Of course, letting go and cutting out is an ongoing process, as is welcoming in what's possible. I chose someone whose ideas I want to pursue - Deepak Chopra - and made my number one priority discovering and living the life the universe intends for me. It's been the ultimate journey of faith. That's what's been so magical about my 38th year.
So in the coming months of my challenge, it will be about integrating the components of the challenge that serve me - exercising, meditating, eating right, etc, i.e. the things that make a daily discipline - in this bigger picture I've begun to see/create. It still comes with wrong turns. At the beginning of August, I'd cleared out so much but couldn't understand why I wasn't happier in my new plan. My new plan, it turned out, was just my old way of living in different clothes. I had to stop and connect with my bigger picture, and then the joy came in. That fast, that literally. I still have days where I'm out of sorts and spun out, but I see that those are the days where I've allowed myself to be turned around and cut off from my intentions.
There are things, my friend, that are required. You can't into shape without exercising, and you can't live your life in the same caught up merry go round and expect it to become the life you want. This coming month I'll be shaping the life I want. And we'll see what happens!
The look of my challenge changed this summer. I ran out if the energy to be so disciplined about everything - a true summer vacation. And now I'm tired of the lack of discipline, as summer's coming to a close. It's given me that chance to reflect on the challenge. When I started it back in January, I had no idea how to be happy on a day to day basis. I felt caught up in the same daily drama I saw all around me, in most of the people I know. So I'd chucked everything I'd been taught about how to live and cultivated instead the art of falling backwards. I made a list of all the advice the gurus had given (exercise, meditate, drink green tea, etc), and started to methodically live them. And it worked. Even as I struggled, I felt my life shifting.
This summer, though I haven't been blogging, I've been diving deeper into that idea. I haven't been exercising or meditating except when I've felt like it, but I've been doing other things. Rather than work from the outside in, which is what I did when I set up my challenge and through May, I began to work from the inside out. I let go of, gave away, and cut out. I challenged and accepted the response of what I'd been holding onto out of fear. I cleaned out my closet, my house, my garage. I let go of baby things, even though I've desperately wanted another. I told my father what I hoped for our relationship, and when he told me he was not going there and abruptly ended the conversation, I let go of that, too. I let go of what wasn't right in my finances, in my marriage, as a mother, as a sister, as a friend. I let go of my job, though I still work there some, I'm on my way out. I made room for the life that's mine to live, if I only dare to live it.
Of course, letting go and cutting out is an ongoing process, as is welcoming in what's possible. I chose someone whose ideas I want to pursue - Deepak Chopra - and made my number one priority discovering and living the life the universe intends for me. It's been the ultimate journey of faith. That's what's been so magical about my 38th year.
So in the coming months of my challenge, it will be about integrating the components of the challenge that serve me - exercising, meditating, eating right, etc, i.e. the things that make a daily discipline - in this bigger picture I've begun to see/create. It still comes with wrong turns. At the beginning of August, I'd cleared out so much but couldn't understand why I wasn't happier in my new plan. My new plan, it turned out, was just my old way of living in different clothes. I had to stop and connect with my bigger picture, and then the joy came in. That fast, that literally. I still have days where I'm out of sorts and spun out, but I see that those are the days where I've allowed myself to be turned around and cut off from my intentions.
There are things, my friend, that are required. You can't into shape without exercising, and you can't live your life in the same caught up merry go round and expect it to become the life you want. This coming month I'll be shaping the life I want. And we'll see what happens!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Month 5 Challenge Update
Well....May didn't turn out exactly how I'd hoped.
In my garden, I've been trying to grow hollyhocks for about 4 years. They remind me of my grandma and being at her ranch house, so I really want them. The first year was pretty successful - five beautiful plants with lots of flowers. Then the following spring, my husband accidentally dug up the whole bed and only one survived. So I planted a bunch more but none of them came back the next year. A friend gave me some starts she had last summer, so they went in. This year, just as 5 of them were coming up, the lawn guys whacked them all off, down to the ground.
So I trotted down to Lowe's and bought some garden bricks, and my fabulous husband (probably still feeling bad about digging up the bed) made the garden official, so at least the weedwhacker will quit gunning for them. I also planted some seed starts. Let me clarify here - I'm not much of a gardener. I'm a reluctant gardener. I like it when I'm doing it, but I do it because I want to look at pretty flowers, and because my 5 year old wants a vegetable garden. (He planted a sugar and cinnamon spiced almond, and has been anxiously looking for the giant almond tree he's expecting to sprout. Oh dear.)
I think I've established that I know next to nothing about gardening (other than the fact that a baked almond ain't sprouting), and don't really want to. That said, I planted some seeds inside this year. And while the wild flowers and sunflowers are growing like weeds, of the 30 individual seed pots of hollyhocks I've planted, only one has popped up. I feel a little like Mikey, anxiously watching for something to happen. And suspecting that, like Mikey, I'm going to be disappointed.
Slightly devastated but ever determined, I bought some more seeds online today. These ones are guaranteed to germinate...
That's how my May went.
Until May 16th, I did great on my challenge. Then the pressure got to me. It got hard to keep up, and feeling like I was in the last month of college, I just wanted to push through the work I had and be done. New chapter in June! Life changing!
If I have to take stock, and that is the point of a challenge, my back is aching and needs attention, but I've come to a place so far this year where I've figured out how to help it. I'm finally on the right track. My health issues require attention but aren't emergencies, and I'm set up to get what I need to heal. My relationships are stronger than they were at the beginning of the month. I seem to be in a truce with management at my job, and am keeping my eyes open for a change. My eating habits - horrible. But I'm trying. And I did start a consistent energy routine, I just need to get back to it. So I'm on the right path and headed in the right direction, I just stopped in my tracks.
Everything came to a head today. I'd been pushing and pushing and then suddenly more stuff was piled on. I had to stop. It isn't easy, but I'm going back to the commitment I made with this blog. I may not get to get all of this stuff off my plate by the end of the month and have the relief I imagine. There's no doubt other stuff to take it's place. This was a critical juncture for me, I think. I made the choice to do something differently when doing things the same has been overwhelmingly attractive. (It started with a nap!) I did make a big push, I am about to see the fruit of that labor. Something IS going to push through the dirt and sprout! It's time to resume my path.
In June, I'll be considering this commitment to falling backwards and how to be in life some more. Things have to shift in how I spend my time - there are things I'm just done with. I read an article by Deepak Chopra in O Magazine that gave me heart and illuminated the path a little more. Some things I knew and have implemented, some things left me needing to ponder them. I was on the phone with another coach today and she said some things I want to ponder, too, about how to plug into your authentic self in any situation. I want to blog more. I want to love more. I want to be more connected in general. That's what I want June to look like, as I start again with the basics of a good day to day life.
I want to leave you with an excerpt from the interview, because it sums up so much of what the Art of Falling Backwards is all about:
Oprah (talking about scheduling a massage for herself): ...they say, "Yeah but you don't have time."
Deepak: [Laughs] We have eternity. You know, as a doctor, I used to ask all my patients, "Why do you want to get well?" They'd say they want to be rid of this illness. "Why do you want to be rid of the illness?" Oh, so I can go back to work. "Why do you want to go back to work?" Oh, so I can pay my bills. "Why do you want to do that?" Then finally they'd say, "Shut up-all I want is to be happy!" I say, why not start with happiness? Why go about it in such a circuitous way?
You know what? My health issues have been about my endocrine system. Deepak was an endocrinologist. I think there's a connection...I think I'm addressing things in a way that will really make a difference in my life...I think my whole garden is going to bloom.
In my garden, I've been trying to grow hollyhocks for about 4 years. They remind me of my grandma and being at her ranch house, so I really want them. The first year was pretty successful - five beautiful plants with lots of flowers. Then the following spring, my husband accidentally dug up the whole bed and only one survived. So I planted a bunch more but none of them came back the next year. A friend gave me some starts she had last summer, so they went in. This year, just as 5 of them were coming up, the lawn guys whacked them all off, down to the ground.
So I trotted down to Lowe's and bought some garden bricks, and my fabulous husband (probably still feeling bad about digging up the bed) made the garden official, so at least the weedwhacker will quit gunning for them. I also planted some seed starts. Let me clarify here - I'm not much of a gardener. I'm a reluctant gardener. I like it when I'm doing it, but I do it because I want to look at pretty flowers, and because my 5 year old wants a vegetable garden. (He planted a sugar and cinnamon spiced almond, and has been anxiously looking for the giant almond tree he's expecting to sprout. Oh dear.)
I think I've established that I know next to nothing about gardening (other than the fact that a baked almond ain't sprouting), and don't really want to. That said, I planted some seeds inside this year. And while the wild flowers and sunflowers are growing like weeds, of the 30 individual seed pots of hollyhocks I've planted, only one has popped up. I feel a little like Mikey, anxiously watching for something to happen. And suspecting that, like Mikey, I'm going to be disappointed.
Slightly devastated but ever determined, I bought some more seeds online today. These ones are guaranteed to germinate...
That's how my May went.
Until May 16th, I did great on my challenge. Then the pressure got to me. It got hard to keep up, and feeling like I was in the last month of college, I just wanted to push through the work I had and be done. New chapter in June! Life changing!
If I have to take stock, and that is the point of a challenge, my back is aching and needs attention, but I've come to a place so far this year where I've figured out how to help it. I'm finally on the right track. My health issues require attention but aren't emergencies, and I'm set up to get what I need to heal. My relationships are stronger than they were at the beginning of the month. I seem to be in a truce with management at my job, and am keeping my eyes open for a change. My eating habits - horrible. But I'm trying. And I did start a consistent energy routine, I just need to get back to it. So I'm on the right path and headed in the right direction, I just stopped in my tracks.
Everything came to a head today. I'd been pushing and pushing and then suddenly more stuff was piled on. I had to stop. It isn't easy, but I'm going back to the commitment I made with this blog. I may not get to get all of this stuff off my plate by the end of the month and have the relief I imagine. There's no doubt other stuff to take it's place. This was a critical juncture for me, I think. I made the choice to do something differently when doing things the same has been overwhelmingly attractive. (It started with a nap!) I did make a big push, I am about to see the fruit of that labor. Something IS going to push through the dirt and sprout! It's time to resume my path.
In June, I'll be considering this commitment to falling backwards and how to be in life some more. Things have to shift in how I spend my time - there are things I'm just done with. I read an article by Deepak Chopra in O Magazine that gave me heart and illuminated the path a little more. Some things I knew and have implemented, some things left me needing to ponder them. I was on the phone with another coach today and she said some things I want to ponder, too, about how to plug into your authentic self in any situation. I want to blog more. I want to love more. I want to be more connected in general. That's what I want June to look like, as I start again with the basics of a good day to day life.
I want to leave you with an excerpt from the interview, because it sums up so much of what the Art of Falling Backwards is all about:
Oprah (talking about scheduling a massage for herself): ...they say, "Yeah but you don't have time."
Deepak: [Laughs] We have eternity. You know, as a doctor, I used to ask all my patients, "Why do you want to get well?" They'd say they want to be rid of this illness. "Why do you want to be rid of the illness?" Oh, so I can go back to work. "Why do you want to go back to work?" Oh, so I can pay my bills. "Why do you want to do that?" Then finally they'd say, "Shut up-all I want is to be happy!" I say, why not start with happiness? Why go about it in such a circuitous way?
You know what? My health issues have been about my endocrine system. Deepak was an endocrinologist. I think there's a connection...I think I'm addressing things in a way that will really make a difference in my life...I think my whole garden is going to bloom.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Month 4 Challenge Update
If, as I claimed last month, I'm aligned with the seasons, then April was a fitting month. It rained. As my good friend Colee commiserated, When it rains, it pours. And it poured.
First I should start with my accomplishments. I got a lot done, and I did it while keeping my priorities straight. You know the story about putting the big rocks in first, so everything else will fit? I did, and it worked, but somehow the little rocks all decided to squawk and become big too. More than anything, I feel like I worked really hard in April and am hoping like hell that all those showers I trucked through produce some May flowers. (Seriously, life!!!)
Almost five hundred dollars later, I'm happy to announce my physical therapist was most likely worth it. Now it's up to me to take what I learned and do it. The good news is, I should be seeing huge differences in the next 12 weeks. I'm now only going once a month, instead of once a week, with a set workout routine. Just not having to make the constant adjustments to my gym routine is a huge relief. With any luck, helping my back heal gets to go on autopilot for a while.
I was a rockstar about attending to my health - yay I have no cavities, boo I am now officially of the age where I have to be serious every day about taking care of my gums. I had a health panel done - yay I did it - boo both my thyroid, kidneys, and triglycerides need attention. I got a reference for a good doctor and talked to my bodytalk practitioner. Grumpily, I'm adding that to my May to do list. I just keep trying to remember that I'll be much happier- and healthier - when those are done. Despite reassurances from my friend Holly, an ER doctor, I'm still worried.
I'm on deadline for some financial stuff I've been needing to attend to. I was hoping to be all done by the end of April, but the first week of May will be another big push. Still, I've done a lot (monsterous, really) and I'm setting myself up for the next piece. What a huge relief I'll have when it's done.
While I have not added fruits and veggies to every meal, I think about it when I eat and add something to most meals. Overall, that was a success and I'm looking forward to carrying the cleanse idea with my into May. I scheduled a haircut; I took my vitamins, I practiced qigong 2-3 times a week, I did some bodytalk, I went on walks and to the gym, and managed to write something in my gratitude journal at least twice a week. These things have helped make me happy. I booked a trip to visit my sister and help her plan her wedding. I've been attending to my relationships and spending time (but I want more!) with people I love. I've been taking care of business. It was a business month. For May, I wish for myself more good and relaxing times with loved ones and just enough business to keep everything moving.
I went to a talk given by another coach and had a uber-enlightening session with her about taking the next step towards figuring out what I want to do professionally. It starts with being completely honest and identifying what I really want without ruling anything out. More on this later - it's what I really want to focus on in May, the next piece of my challenge.
Now for the part I've been dreading a little bit...maybe you got tired of reading a ways back and will miss this part. April was a month of big growth, too. When I set out on this adventure, I said I wanted to see what would happen if I focused on my priorities and let everything else fall into place, if I didn't try all the time to keep all the balls up and everyone happy. I decided I was willing to quit clinging to the idea that I had to make my job work and stop letting it stress me out. I decided to open myself up to life presenting a new way to meet my needs.
I ended up creating a huge headache for myself at work. Honestly, it might have been coming anyway. I may have just sped it up a bit. For the first time in my life, I've been crosswise with management. They've been coming down hard on me. At work and in other areas of my life, I felt like my task this month was to figure out appropriate conflict resolution. I had to confront people at work and in my family. I learned that sometimes I should show how mad I am, and when to be diplomatic. I had to stand up for myself and find humility, at the same time. I had to admit where I'd been slacking and start exploring what it means to be a team player, from a different perspective than I've always had. And all the while, being honest with myself about how much I care and why.
Bottom line? Going into May, not only is my job in jeopardy, it's also a huge pain in my butt. Did I do myself a favor by declaring 4 months ago that it was moving down the priority list, or screw myself? Or is everything happening just as it should? This is exactly why I've never moved it down before. I'm really curious to see how it all works out. Because that's one thing I also discovered this month...all these years, starting when my mom got sick, I've been hoping that everything would be ok, which is just another way of being worried that it won't. This month, I've been telling myself that everything will be ok, that I'll be ok, no matter what happens. That's new.
So where am I as I head into May? I'm not sure. In the thick of everything, I guess. As things continue to get done, my focus will move from getting myself out of the hole I've dug to other things. I can't wait. It's scary, since I've been in this place of struggle for so long that in some ways it's all I know, but exciting too. I really wanted to be doing some art by May. I don't feel ready yet, but that doesn't mean it won't happen.
I went to bed last night feeling different than I have in a long time. I almost didn't say anything - I don't want to jinx it. I felt a lot more joy, coming home to my little family, with less worry about my job or the money I made. It was a beautiful, barely warm spring evening, and walking through the door and seeing my husband and son getting ready for bed was bliss. I want to believe this is the beginning of the shift I was looking for when I set out on the art of falling backwards. We'll see.
I'm not going to add anything new for May in terms of taking care of myself, I'll just try to keep going with what I was able to accomplish this month with qigong, the gym, time outside, etc. The one thing I will add is that doctor's appointment, and addressing those things. I'll keep going with the financial stuff, there shouldn't be any surprises in my workload there. I'll see what happens with my job. I'll keep up the work I've been doing in my relationships.
The piece I'll add is exploring and identifying what I want. Everything else I've said about what I'm going to do is just to get me to this place, figuring out what I truly want. That's where the fun is, that's the next step. What I want, ruling nothing out, including how to get there. May flowers? I flippin' hope so!
First I should start with my accomplishments. I got a lot done, and I did it while keeping my priorities straight. You know the story about putting the big rocks in first, so everything else will fit? I did, and it worked, but somehow the little rocks all decided to squawk and become big too. More than anything, I feel like I worked really hard in April and am hoping like hell that all those showers I trucked through produce some May flowers. (Seriously, life!!!)
Almost five hundred dollars later, I'm happy to announce my physical therapist was most likely worth it. Now it's up to me to take what I learned and do it. The good news is, I should be seeing huge differences in the next 12 weeks. I'm now only going once a month, instead of once a week, with a set workout routine. Just not having to make the constant adjustments to my gym routine is a huge relief. With any luck, helping my back heal gets to go on autopilot for a while.
I was a rockstar about attending to my health - yay I have no cavities, boo I am now officially of the age where I have to be serious every day about taking care of my gums. I had a health panel done - yay I did it - boo both my thyroid, kidneys, and triglycerides need attention. I got a reference for a good doctor and talked to my bodytalk practitioner. Grumpily, I'm adding that to my May to do list. I just keep trying to remember that I'll be much happier- and healthier - when those are done. Despite reassurances from my friend Holly, an ER doctor, I'm still worried.
I'm on deadline for some financial stuff I've been needing to attend to. I was hoping to be all done by the end of April, but the first week of May will be another big push. Still, I've done a lot (monsterous, really) and I'm setting myself up for the next piece. What a huge relief I'll have when it's done.
While I have not added fruits and veggies to every meal, I think about it when I eat and add something to most meals. Overall, that was a success and I'm looking forward to carrying the cleanse idea with my into May. I scheduled a haircut; I took my vitamins, I practiced qigong 2-3 times a week, I did some bodytalk, I went on walks and to the gym, and managed to write something in my gratitude journal at least twice a week. These things have helped make me happy. I booked a trip to visit my sister and help her plan her wedding. I've been attending to my relationships and spending time (but I want more!) with people I love. I've been taking care of business. It was a business month. For May, I wish for myself more good and relaxing times with loved ones and just enough business to keep everything moving.
I went to a talk given by another coach and had a uber-enlightening session with her about taking the next step towards figuring out what I want to do professionally. It starts with being completely honest and identifying what I really want without ruling anything out. More on this later - it's what I really want to focus on in May, the next piece of my challenge.
Now for the part I've been dreading a little bit...maybe you got tired of reading a ways back and will miss this part. April was a month of big growth, too. When I set out on this adventure, I said I wanted to see what would happen if I focused on my priorities and let everything else fall into place, if I didn't try all the time to keep all the balls up and everyone happy. I decided I was willing to quit clinging to the idea that I had to make my job work and stop letting it stress me out. I decided to open myself up to life presenting a new way to meet my needs.
I ended up creating a huge headache for myself at work. Honestly, it might have been coming anyway. I may have just sped it up a bit. For the first time in my life, I've been crosswise with management. They've been coming down hard on me. At work and in other areas of my life, I felt like my task this month was to figure out appropriate conflict resolution. I had to confront people at work and in my family. I learned that sometimes I should show how mad I am, and when to be diplomatic. I had to stand up for myself and find humility, at the same time. I had to admit where I'd been slacking and start exploring what it means to be a team player, from a different perspective than I've always had. And all the while, being honest with myself about how much I care and why.
Bottom line? Going into May, not only is my job in jeopardy, it's also a huge pain in my butt. Did I do myself a favor by declaring 4 months ago that it was moving down the priority list, or screw myself? Or is everything happening just as it should? This is exactly why I've never moved it down before. I'm really curious to see how it all works out. Because that's one thing I also discovered this month...all these years, starting when my mom got sick, I've been hoping that everything would be ok, which is just another way of being worried that it won't. This month, I've been telling myself that everything will be ok, that I'll be ok, no matter what happens. That's new.
So where am I as I head into May? I'm not sure. In the thick of everything, I guess. As things continue to get done, my focus will move from getting myself out of the hole I've dug to other things. I can't wait. It's scary, since I've been in this place of struggle for so long that in some ways it's all I know, but exciting too. I really wanted to be doing some art by May. I don't feel ready yet, but that doesn't mean it won't happen.
I went to bed last night feeling different than I have in a long time. I almost didn't say anything - I don't want to jinx it. I felt a lot more joy, coming home to my little family, with less worry about my job or the money I made. It was a beautiful, barely warm spring evening, and walking through the door and seeing my husband and son getting ready for bed was bliss. I want to believe this is the beginning of the shift I was looking for when I set out on the art of falling backwards. We'll see.
I'm not going to add anything new for May in terms of taking care of myself, I'll just try to keep going with what I was able to accomplish this month with qigong, the gym, time outside, etc. The one thing I will add is that doctor's appointment, and addressing those things. I'll keep going with the financial stuff, there shouldn't be any surprises in my workload there. I'll see what happens with my job. I'll keep up the work I've been doing in my relationships.
The piece I'll add is exploring and identifying what I want. Everything else I've said about what I'm going to do is just to get me to this place, figuring out what I truly want. That's where the fun is, that's the next step. What I want, ruling nothing out, including how to get there. May flowers? I flippin' hope so!
Monday, April 9, 2012
Rollercoaster
I'm a week into the month and it's been a rollercoaster ride. Not that I'm surprised, but some surprises popped up, changing my plans of what gets attended to this month, and changing the degree to which I'm meeting some of my challenges.
Still, I've managed to figure out that nourishing myself for this month means making sure that a fresh fruit or vegetable is included in every meal, and that it's realistic to add my bodytalk practice 3 times/ week and qigong 2 days/ week on top of what I've been doing. Together, these support my overall goal of increasing my energy and cleansing myself. My physical therapist has me focusing on my body mechanics, which feels like a major chore (every time I sat or stand, pick something up, bend over, get in & out of a car. A tall order for a busy mom who waitresses!) but I'm keeping my eye on the prize - feeling good in my body.
The rollercoaster has reminded me how critical it is to be consciously aware of feeling everything I feel, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Otherwise they throw me off and shut me down. But I keep coming back to basics, and ended up trying 2 new great recipes for Easter and rallying my family up to the mountain for last day festivities. In spite of the rollercoaster of emotions I had throughout the weekend, it ended up being a great Easter. And recognizing and acknowledging those emotions allowed me to wake up this morning and and make some decisions about what my priorities are in the coming weeks.
One thing I'm noticing, my list of things I do to support myself - going for walks, taking my vitamins, my gratitude journal, my exercises and practices - is transforming from a to-do list to a touchstone. I began writing them down at the bottom of the page in my daily calendar, and it's bringing me a sense of accomplishment. My days, which seem like they're going in 18 different directions, feel like they have a sense of being grounded as I incorporate these things throughout my day and write them down. Even when I feel like everything is in flux and I don't know what's going to happen in my life, I feel like I did something that matters to me. And the days that these things happen are days that have more smiles and joy.
Still, I've managed to figure out that nourishing myself for this month means making sure that a fresh fruit or vegetable is included in every meal, and that it's realistic to add my bodytalk practice 3 times/ week and qigong 2 days/ week on top of what I've been doing. Together, these support my overall goal of increasing my energy and cleansing myself. My physical therapist has me focusing on my body mechanics, which feels like a major chore (every time I sat or stand, pick something up, bend over, get in & out of a car. A tall order for a busy mom who waitresses!) but I'm keeping my eye on the prize - feeling good in my body.
The rollercoaster has reminded me how critical it is to be consciously aware of feeling everything I feel, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Otherwise they throw me off and shut me down. But I keep coming back to basics, and ended up trying 2 new great recipes for Easter and rallying my family up to the mountain for last day festivities. In spite of the rollercoaster of emotions I had throughout the weekend, it ended up being a great Easter. And recognizing and acknowledging those emotions allowed me to wake up this morning and and make some decisions about what my priorities are in the coming weeks.
One thing I'm noticing, my list of things I do to support myself - going for walks, taking my vitamins, my gratitude journal, my exercises and practices - is transforming from a to-do list to a touchstone. I began writing them down at the bottom of the page in my daily calendar, and it's bringing me a sense of accomplishment. My days, which seem like they're going in 18 different directions, feel like they have a sense of being grounded as I incorporate these things throughout my day and write them down. Even when I feel like everything is in flux and I don't know what's going to happen in my life, I feel like I did something that matters to me. And the days that these things happen are days that have more smiles and joy.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
April Showers
I woke today to clouds and rain. With such an unpredictable winter season, it doesn't look much different today than it has all winter. But the tulips are poking up, so spring is just around the corner no matter how the day feels.
I've been leaning heavily on the challenge side of this blog, concentrating more lately on the daily tasks than the spirit of it. Even so, the spirit of it pokes through unexpectedly and surprises me. I forget, that's the way of a practice; it's like a garden. Every day you attend to it, and all of a sudden something breaks through; you keep attending to it, and all of a sudden everything's in bloom.
In a way, I've been aligning myself with the seasons. During these last winter months, I've been attending to what's already come to fruition, for better or for worse, determining what's strong and healthy, and what needs to be trimmed away. Coming to terms with what I wanted things to become, and what they have become instead. Understanding that my backyard and my life, for all my hopes, sometimes go different directions than I'd planned. So this winter season I've been digging up what's past it's time, mourning it, and making way for something new.
For me, it's the smell of the world after a spring rain that rings the arrival of spring. If I were to design the shape of heaven, it would include the smell of a freshly washed world. Refreshed. Cleansed. This is the spirit I want to bring to April, this piece of my challenge. It's time to nourish myself as if I were a spring garden.
Of course, I wouldn't be much of a coach if I didn't identify what this means and what actions I should take. How do I want to translate this concept into my daily life?
It's important to keep following through on the work I did this winter, so that's one piece.
And I've already identified that I want to take it back to basics. That means making qigong and bodytalk practices the priority, to soak up energy and help my mind and body work together.
It means turning my attention to my diet, eating nourishing, cleansing foods and staying hydrated. (That's a practice that seems to trip me up, since a way I've always indulged myself is in eating whatever I want).
It means the beginning of spring cleaning in my house, or at least thinking about it, and scheduling long overdue haircut and dentist appointments.
It means that I need to decide exactly what that looks like. Do I do qigong every day, or 2-3 times a week? What bodytalk pieces am I going to do, and how often? What falls in the category of nourishing & cleansing foods? Am I going to make any exceptions? When do I need to make these appointments by?
As I go back and reread those questions, they seem to pile on top of each other. They feel demanding, like they're being fired at me rapidly, with such expectation. I wonder how that's all going to get done on top of everything I'm already doing. Ah, my old copilot, overwhelm.
This part of the process sometimes feels like a chore, when it's time to translate intentions into accountability. How critical is it? My training in coaching has taught me that it's a pivotal piece. It seems like if I were really aligned with these intentions, I would initiate them effortlessly. Yet often there's hidden resistance, so the move from "I'd like to" to "I'm doing it" can be derailed without small, clear, agreeable, doable goals. This time, even making those little goals feels like a chore.
There's three ways to handle this: Push through and decide what those small goals are (just do it); let myself off the hook and don't make any goals, trusting that it will somehow come together (highly tempting); or observe myself going through the process and adjust as necessary. My usual way is to either push through or let myself off the hook.
Since deciding what exactly my intentions looks like in my daily life feels like a chore this time, I'm going to watch and see what happens, focusing more on the process than on the intentions. Will it be effortless? Will I somehow resist doing these things? I'm already feeling resistance around setting the goals, in the form of overwhelm. Since this experiment is about not pushing forwards, but discovering what happens when I let myself fall backwards, I'm gong to wait and watch and address whatever comes up. And I'm curious to see what that will be, and what I end up doing as a result.
I guess I've identified the experiment for this month. I wonder what will happen?
I've been leaning heavily on the challenge side of this blog, concentrating more lately on the daily tasks than the spirit of it. Even so, the spirit of it pokes through unexpectedly and surprises me. I forget, that's the way of a practice; it's like a garden. Every day you attend to it, and all of a sudden something breaks through; you keep attending to it, and all of a sudden everything's in bloom.
In a way, I've been aligning myself with the seasons. During these last winter months, I've been attending to what's already come to fruition, for better or for worse, determining what's strong and healthy, and what needs to be trimmed away. Coming to terms with what I wanted things to become, and what they have become instead. Understanding that my backyard and my life, for all my hopes, sometimes go different directions than I'd planned. So this winter season I've been digging up what's past it's time, mourning it, and making way for something new.
For me, it's the smell of the world after a spring rain that rings the arrival of spring. If I were to design the shape of heaven, it would include the smell of a freshly washed world. Refreshed. Cleansed. This is the spirit I want to bring to April, this piece of my challenge. It's time to nourish myself as if I were a spring garden.
Of course, I wouldn't be much of a coach if I didn't identify what this means and what actions I should take. How do I want to translate this concept into my daily life?
It's important to keep following through on the work I did this winter, so that's one piece.
And I've already identified that I want to take it back to basics. That means making qigong and bodytalk practices the priority, to soak up energy and help my mind and body work together.
It means turning my attention to my diet, eating nourishing, cleansing foods and staying hydrated. (That's a practice that seems to trip me up, since a way I've always indulged myself is in eating whatever I want).
It means the beginning of spring cleaning in my house, or at least thinking about it, and scheduling long overdue haircut and dentist appointments.
It means that I need to decide exactly what that looks like. Do I do qigong every day, or 2-3 times a week? What bodytalk pieces am I going to do, and how often? What falls in the category of nourishing & cleansing foods? Am I going to make any exceptions? When do I need to make these appointments by?
As I go back and reread those questions, they seem to pile on top of each other. They feel demanding, like they're being fired at me rapidly, with such expectation. I wonder how that's all going to get done on top of everything I'm already doing. Ah, my old copilot, overwhelm.
This part of the process sometimes feels like a chore, when it's time to translate intentions into accountability. How critical is it? My training in coaching has taught me that it's a pivotal piece. It seems like if I were really aligned with these intentions, I would initiate them effortlessly. Yet often there's hidden resistance, so the move from "I'd like to" to "I'm doing it" can be derailed without small, clear, agreeable, doable goals. This time, even making those little goals feels like a chore.
There's three ways to handle this: Push through and decide what those small goals are (just do it); let myself off the hook and don't make any goals, trusting that it will somehow come together (highly tempting); or observe myself going through the process and adjust as necessary. My usual way is to either push through or let myself off the hook.
Since deciding what exactly my intentions looks like in my daily life feels like a chore this time, I'm going to watch and see what happens, focusing more on the process than on the intentions. Will it be effortless? Will I somehow resist doing these things? I'm already feeling resistance around setting the goals, in the form of overwhelm. Since this experiment is about not pushing forwards, but discovering what happens when I let myself fall backwards, I'm gong to wait and watch and address whatever comes up. And I'm curious to see what that will be, and what I end up doing as a result.
I guess I've identified the experiment for this month. I wonder what will happen?
Friday, March 30, 2012
Month 3 Challenge Update: Making Headway!
Well, I accomplished what I outlined for myself this month: I kept going with what I'd already started; the gratitude journal, if inconsistent, was written in; I went back and took stock of everything I've done since starting this blog, which helped me to reframe my overwhelm, making me feel more like "no wonder I feel this way"; I did qigong once or twice, and - this kept me so busy I didn't even have time to post - I kept momentum up with all the big projects in my life. Along the way, I learned a few things.
What I learned is that my body asks me sometimes to stop, to coast for a couple days here and there and unwind. I think I've missed that signal in the past, taking my flagging mental energy (aka general confusion) and fatigue as a sign that I needed to refocus - and understanding instead that I need to give myself a break before I take one by default. So a break came at the beginning of the month, and right now. Amazingly, surprisingly, I've gotten a phenomenal amount done in between. Remember how part of my quest was to find out if it would all fall apart? Well, so far it's not only NOT falling apart, but the big things I kept putting off before are getting done.
Looking back at March, I see that it was about clarity. All that effort of the past several months finally paid off, not in the sense of accomplishments so much, though I did get things done, but in clarity of direction. In my finances, my relationships, with my back. Distilling down what the next steps would be, and with that came a sense of relief.
Next week, as it turns April, I'll take stock and decide what exactly to focus on in the coming weeks. For the next day or two though, I'm going to sit back and enjoy that my taxing, sometimes difficult month bore some fruit and was worth the effort.
What I can say about April is that I'm going back to body basics. Now that I've pushed through some questions about what comes next for my back, my finances, and my relationships - major areas in my life that needed some positive movement, and I'm into the execution phase (with such gratitude!) on those things, the focus will shift to continuing to strengthen my fundamental energy and well being.
My greatest accomplishment this month was that even on the most stressful, confusing days I was able to reconnect, even for a moment, with Alicia In The Universe, letting go of my daily stresses and burdens, including my own feelings about things, to just be. In those times, I forgot about everything except for the joy that was right in front of me - playing with my son, skiing with my husband, laughing with a friend, looking up at the sky. And that's the point of this whole experiment, the essence of the art of falling backwards - that no matter what else is going on in life, for better or for worse, all that can be shed in a moment, traded for wonder, awe, and joy instead. And sometimes a moment is all you need.
What I learned is that my body asks me sometimes to stop, to coast for a couple days here and there and unwind. I think I've missed that signal in the past, taking my flagging mental energy (aka general confusion) and fatigue as a sign that I needed to refocus - and understanding instead that I need to give myself a break before I take one by default. So a break came at the beginning of the month, and right now. Amazingly, surprisingly, I've gotten a phenomenal amount done in between. Remember how part of my quest was to find out if it would all fall apart? Well, so far it's not only NOT falling apart, but the big things I kept putting off before are getting done.
Looking back at March, I see that it was about clarity. All that effort of the past several months finally paid off, not in the sense of accomplishments so much, though I did get things done, but in clarity of direction. In my finances, my relationships, with my back. Distilling down what the next steps would be, and with that came a sense of relief.
Next week, as it turns April, I'll take stock and decide what exactly to focus on in the coming weeks. For the next day or two though, I'm going to sit back and enjoy that my taxing, sometimes difficult month bore some fruit and was worth the effort.
What I can say about April is that I'm going back to body basics. Now that I've pushed through some questions about what comes next for my back, my finances, and my relationships - major areas in my life that needed some positive movement, and I'm into the execution phase (with such gratitude!) on those things, the focus will shift to continuing to strengthen my fundamental energy and well being.
My greatest accomplishment this month was that even on the most stressful, confusing days I was able to reconnect, even for a moment, with Alicia In The Universe, letting go of my daily stresses and burdens, including my own feelings about things, to just be. In those times, I forgot about everything except for the joy that was right in front of me - playing with my son, skiing with my husband, laughing with a friend, looking up at the sky. And that's the point of this whole experiment, the essence of the art of falling backwards - that no matter what else is going on in life, for better or for worse, all that can be shed in a moment, traded for wonder, awe, and joy instead. And sometimes a moment is all you need.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Month 2 Challenge Update
I woke up this morning gripped with anxiety. I've spent most of February feeling this way, or the opposite, like I'm making big strides, gaining clarity, feeling good about my choices, feeling bold. Not a lot of in between though, that lovely relaxed feeling that comes from just living your days as they come. Instead, February's been a rollercoaster.
As far as my challenge goes, I suppose I've done decently. I've gone to the gym, eaten more fruits and vegetables, taken my vitamins, gotten outside for walks and skiing, been kind to myself. I've also delved in deeper with bigger challenges I've been putting off:
I've done more with healing my back, committing time and resources to the next step to wellness. That's taken more out of me than I was prepared for. I don't feel as strong as I did last month, but I know I'm further along in the process, making headway. My neck is moving better than it has, and I know what to focus on in the coming weeks. It feels like work, but I've gotten used to it, accepted it. Even like it sometimes. And I'm doing the most important piece, which is living in my body. Even if my body's going through an achy, difficult phase.
At least I'm showing up for my body, not ignoring it. I guess I was hoping that it would be more cut and dried, less confusing, that what to do next would be straightforward. But healing my back is not straightforward; it's nuanced and layered and requiring a great deal of commitment. Luckily I know what I want to feel like, the place I'm trying to get to. Somethings even that is hazy. So I'm blessed that my end goal keeps me motivated.
I've moved forward with issues in my relationships and finances that I haven't been ready to face until now. This is where all the anxiety is coming from. It's totally normal; it's a physical reaction to risk. There's a lot at risk when we start shaking things up in our finances or our relationships. So on one hand, I've risen to challenges I haven't been able to before; on the other, it has me gripped. With fear. Which is what this whole blog and experiment is about. I have to figure out how to handle what I'm going through within the context of how I want to live. Right now I'm confused about that.
The high moments this month have come as I've confronted these underlying issues and decided how I want to live, what my values are, what I am deciding is important and critical in my life. But for every high there seems to be an equal and opposite reaction. It's not surprising when I think about it; these things are issues precisely because they bring up conflicting emotions and ways of thinking and being. One thing I'm figuring out for sure, there's no way around fear. There's just no way to live without fear. But there are a lot of ways to live.
Ironically, choosing how I want to live has brought up fear. I'm giving up the guarantees I've been taught by my family and society: This is how you do it, these are the judgements that we'll measure you by, this is what you have to do to be safe, happy, and secure. It's a biological fact that going against your tribe, even in simply philosophy or thinking, puts stress on your system. We are hard wired to conform. We are hardwired to unconsciously take the judgments of others, especially people we care about, as truth about ourselves. To summon the necessary strength and fortitude, our purpose must be crystal clear.
I found how much I've been sitting on the fence, between what I really feel and believe my life should be, and what my family and friends are doing. The fence, it turns out, is the most stressful place of all. A friend of mine said, "That's why people live in communes. They just want the peace of being with others who think and feel about life the way they do."
So where am I? Tackling the toughest issues in my life, yes. But barely managing along. What can I do to not just survive this time in my life, but thrive? I can't not feel the fear as I open up these risky places, but what can I do about it? How can I live through it better, in the spirit of falling backwards?
I know the groundwork, which is making sure I get things that are ultimately nourishing. Things that are in my challenge. It's important to keep going with those. Part of the problem with needing to do nourishing things is that when we need nourishment the most, need something kind and comforting and gentle, we have very little energy to give ourselves these things. Hence my excessive reaching for chocolate and watching movies late night when I'm too uptight to sleep this month. The nourishment needs to feel easy, and supremely comforting. So that's my first order of business in March. If I want to be stronger, I'll need to be nourished.
The second thing, like knowing how I want my back and body to feel, is clarity on what I ultimately want for myself. Something to sustain me as I bear the workload. I see two ways to do this: One, with a gratitude journal, which is part of my challenge but I haven't prioritized, and two, by revisiting where I'm at and what I'm doing, so I don't feel confused and pushed around by life.
It's a tall order for March: continue to do the groundwork while I push forward with working through these things; add a gratitude journal, get clear on what I'm doing. But I think that's what it's going to take to feel lighter, to let go, to be led by inspiration instead of fear. There's no getting off the rollercoaster in the middle after all, so how am I going to feel about the ride?
As far as my challenge goes, I suppose I've done decently. I've gone to the gym, eaten more fruits and vegetables, taken my vitamins, gotten outside for walks and skiing, been kind to myself. I've also delved in deeper with bigger challenges I've been putting off:
I've done more with healing my back, committing time and resources to the next step to wellness. That's taken more out of me than I was prepared for. I don't feel as strong as I did last month, but I know I'm further along in the process, making headway. My neck is moving better than it has, and I know what to focus on in the coming weeks. It feels like work, but I've gotten used to it, accepted it. Even like it sometimes. And I'm doing the most important piece, which is living in my body. Even if my body's going through an achy, difficult phase.
At least I'm showing up for my body, not ignoring it. I guess I was hoping that it would be more cut and dried, less confusing, that what to do next would be straightforward. But healing my back is not straightforward; it's nuanced and layered and requiring a great deal of commitment. Luckily I know what I want to feel like, the place I'm trying to get to. Somethings even that is hazy. So I'm blessed that my end goal keeps me motivated.
I've moved forward with issues in my relationships and finances that I haven't been ready to face until now. This is where all the anxiety is coming from. It's totally normal; it's a physical reaction to risk. There's a lot at risk when we start shaking things up in our finances or our relationships. So on one hand, I've risen to challenges I haven't been able to before; on the other, it has me gripped. With fear. Which is what this whole blog and experiment is about. I have to figure out how to handle what I'm going through within the context of how I want to live. Right now I'm confused about that.
The high moments this month have come as I've confronted these underlying issues and decided how I want to live, what my values are, what I am deciding is important and critical in my life. But for every high there seems to be an equal and opposite reaction. It's not surprising when I think about it; these things are issues precisely because they bring up conflicting emotions and ways of thinking and being. One thing I'm figuring out for sure, there's no way around fear. There's just no way to live without fear. But there are a lot of ways to live.
Ironically, choosing how I want to live has brought up fear. I'm giving up the guarantees I've been taught by my family and society: This is how you do it, these are the judgements that we'll measure you by, this is what you have to do to be safe, happy, and secure. It's a biological fact that going against your tribe, even in simply philosophy or thinking, puts stress on your system. We are hard wired to conform. We are hardwired to unconsciously take the judgments of others, especially people we care about, as truth about ourselves. To summon the necessary strength and fortitude, our purpose must be crystal clear.
I found how much I've been sitting on the fence, between what I really feel and believe my life should be, and what my family and friends are doing. The fence, it turns out, is the most stressful place of all. A friend of mine said, "That's why people live in communes. They just want the peace of being with others who think and feel about life the way they do."
So where am I? Tackling the toughest issues in my life, yes. But barely managing along. What can I do to not just survive this time in my life, but thrive? I can't not feel the fear as I open up these risky places, but what can I do about it? How can I live through it better, in the spirit of falling backwards?
I know the groundwork, which is making sure I get things that are ultimately nourishing. Things that are in my challenge. It's important to keep going with those. Part of the problem with needing to do nourishing things is that when we need nourishment the most, need something kind and comforting and gentle, we have very little energy to give ourselves these things. Hence my excessive reaching for chocolate and watching movies late night when I'm too uptight to sleep this month. The nourishment needs to feel easy, and supremely comforting. So that's my first order of business in March. If I want to be stronger, I'll need to be nourished.
The second thing, like knowing how I want my back and body to feel, is clarity on what I ultimately want for myself. Something to sustain me as I bear the workload. I see two ways to do this: One, with a gratitude journal, which is part of my challenge but I haven't prioritized, and two, by revisiting where I'm at and what I'm doing, so I don't feel confused and pushed around by life.
It's a tall order for March: continue to do the groundwork while I push forward with working through these things; add a gratitude journal, get clear on what I'm doing. But I think that's what it's going to take to feel lighter, to let go, to be led by inspiration instead of fear. There's no getting off the rollercoaster in the middle after all, so how am I going to feel about the ride?
Monday, February 6, 2012
Forgiveness can kiss my @**
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
- Emo Philips
I pulled a list of things to do from O Magazine as part of my challenge, and when I first read forgiveness on the list, I didn't give it much thought. I mean, it's not like we all haven't heard before that we should forgive. Truth is, once I stopped to reflect on how this piece would be a challenge - something that I actually do - I realized that I don't think I've ever really understood what it means to forgive, regularly. I understand forgiving the big offenses, how not forgiving can poison you: The need to forgive your mother for leaving you, for example. But how many of us understand forgiveness as a way to live, day to day? Especially if you come from a family that rarely forgives anything?
I started by trying to understand what forgiveness actually is:
"Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation, or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution." - Wikipedia
Concluding is the key word. Finishing. Moving on, letting go. Boy am I bad at it.
What piqued my interest in forgiveness happened a couple of weeks ago. I noticed how little my son Mikey forgives. Rather, I noticed that he does forgive sometimes, and it seems so natural to his generous, loving nature. And I noticed that other times - most of the time - he doesn't forgive. He remembers, and holds onto his grievances, and he'd rather strike out than forgive. Is this a normal developmental stage for a 5 year old? Is it a natural form of self-preservation we all struggle with? Or is something else going on?
My conclusion? It may be normal, and normal for a five year old, but I suspect he's showing what he's learned from me. Letting go of things has never been easy for me - my life before my mom got sick, mementos that remind me where I've been and what I've done, hopes and dreams. On one hand, my perseverance has emerged as one of my true strengths; on the other, I can't let go of what's hurt me, and forgive. I know everyone struggles with forgiveness; it just seems like I struggle....more.
Refusing to forgive is own of my favorite forms of self-protection, at least according to my track record. I don't move past things well, or easily. I'd never thought about forgiveness in my family before, but I see how my parents are the same way. They hold onto their grievances, both of them, and wind up shaping aspects of their lives around them, limiting their connections to others. Like me, I doubt they have any idea how little they forgive or what it means in the long run, in the bigger picture. Is it any coincidence that my family is full of loners, preferring to distance ourselves from our loved ones who've hurt us than allow that they've hurt us and find a way to mend that bridge? Like blue eyes and a quick wit, the willingness to forgive seems to be hereditary, handed down from parent to child.
Why do we need to forgive, anyway? Forgiveness seems to be at the heart of our ability to forge close, loving relationships with those around us. When I look at the rifts that have happened in my family and with my best friends, it always boils down to one person or another refusing to forgive.
I know what forgiveness looks like: The moment that the offense stops mattering, fully. What I don't understand is how it all works. I know from Quantum physics and neuroscience that energy and the way we feel when we turn our conscious attention to something has profound and far reaching implications. I know that the refusal to forgive stands in the way of the flow of love between people, and this cuts of a form of sustenance and nourishment needed by our spirits, our souls. And I suspect that a gentleman my the name of Lewis Smedes was right when he said, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."
So my question is, how do I forgive more? How do I make forgiving others and myself such a part of my daily life that my son will realize that there's no danger in forgiveness, that he has other ways to self-preserve? How do I show him what I barely understand, that our lives are richer, fuller, happier if we are able to cultivate the ability to forgive? And the most mind boggling, how do I forgive family members who constantly, absolutely refuse to forgive me and people I love?
In my family, the offense holds more weight than the person. I mean, the violation of someone's moral code is worth hurting the offender in return. "If you do not measure up in my judgment of you, I will withdraw affection, respect, and regard of you until you do something that allows me to feel you measure up." "If you hurt me, I will put a gulf between us and decide that it can never be crossed as long as you are the way you are". When I think about it, it seems preposterous that I would ever sign on to something that so clearly violates what I've learned on my own about love and connection. Yet I have signed on, unconsciously. So I guess the place to start is by observing when and what I can't forgive, be it myself or others. I'll start with just cultivating awareness, both about my lack of forgiveness, but also about how my life is enriched by knowing the person I'm refusing to forgive. And I'll just have to figure it out from there.
- Emo Philips
I pulled a list of things to do from O Magazine as part of my challenge, and when I first read forgiveness on the list, I didn't give it much thought. I mean, it's not like we all haven't heard before that we should forgive. Truth is, once I stopped to reflect on how this piece would be a challenge - something that I actually do - I realized that I don't think I've ever really understood what it means to forgive, regularly. I understand forgiving the big offenses, how not forgiving can poison you: The need to forgive your mother for leaving you, for example. But how many of us understand forgiveness as a way to live, day to day? Especially if you come from a family that rarely forgives anything?
I started by trying to understand what forgiveness actually is:
"Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation, or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution." - Wikipedia
Concluding is the key word. Finishing. Moving on, letting go. Boy am I bad at it.
What piqued my interest in forgiveness happened a couple of weeks ago. I noticed how little my son Mikey forgives. Rather, I noticed that he does forgive sometimes, and it seems so natural to his generous, loving nature. And I noticed that other times - most of the time - he doesn't forgive. He remembers, and holds onto his grievances, and he'd rather strike out than forgive. Is this a normal developmental stage for a 5 year old? Is it a natural form of self-preservation we all struggle with? Or is something else going on?
My conclusion? It may be normal, and normal for a five year old, but I suspect he's showing what he's learned from me. Letting go of things has never been easy for me - my life before my mom got sick, mementos that remind me where I've been and what I've done, hopes and dreams. On one hand, my perseverance has emerged as one of my true strengths; on the other, I can't let go of what's hurt me, and forgive. I know everyone struggles with forgiveness; it just seems like I struggle....more.
Refusing to forgive is own of my favorite forms of self-protection, at least according to my track record. I don't move past things well, or easily. I'd never thought about forgiveness in my family before, but I see how my parents are the same way. They hold onto their grievances, both of them, and wind up shaping aspects of their lives around them, limiting their connections to others. Like me, I doubt they have any idea how little they forgive or what it means in the long run, in the bigger picture. Is it any coincidence that my family is full of loners, preferring to distance ourselves from our loved ones who've hurt us than allow that they've hurt us and find a way to mend that bridge? Like blue eyes and a quick wit, the willingness to forgive seems to be hereditary, handed down from parent to child.
Why do we need to forgive, anyway? Forgiveness seems to be at the heart of our ability to forge close, loving relationships with those around us. When I look at the rifts that have happened in my family and with my best friends, it always boils down to one person or another refusing to forgive.
I know what forgiveness looks like: The moment that the offense stops mattering, fully. What I don't understand is how it all works. I know from Quantum physics and neuroscience that energy and the way we feel when we turn our conscious attention to something has profound and far reaching implications. I know that the refusal to forgive stands in the way of the flow of love between people, and this cuts of a form of sustenance and nourishment needed by our spirits, our souls. And I suspect that a gentleman my the name of Lewis Smedes was right when he said, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."
So my question is, how do I forgive more? How do I make forgiving others and myself such a part of my daily life that my son will realize that there's no danger in forgiveness, that he has other ways to self-preserve? How do I show him what I barely understand, that our lives are richer, fuller, happier if we are able to cultivate the ability to forgive? And the most mind boggling, how do I forgive family members who constantly, absolutely refuse to forgive me and people I love?
In my family, the offense holds more weight than the person. I mean, the violation of someone's moral code is worth hurting the offender in return. "If you do not measure up in my judgment of you, I will withdraw affection, respect, and regard of you until you do something that allows me to feel you measure up." "If you hurt me, I will put a gulf between us and decide that it can never be crossed as long as you are the way you are". When I think about it, it seems preposterous that I would ever sign on to something that so clearly violates what I've learned on my own about love and connection. Yet I have signed on, unconsciously. So I guess the place to start is by observing when and what I can't forgive, be it myself or others. I'll start with just cultivating awareness, both about my lack of forgiveness, but also about how my life is enriched by knowing the person I'm refusing to forgive. And I'll just have to figure it out from there.
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Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Month 1 Challenge Update
I'm not sure where January went. I was as under the gun as I've ever been, and it's not over yet. Just this past week, 3 deadlines while I was a single mom, with Travis away on business. Today I'm exhausted, trying to gear myself up for the rest of the week. But my challenge has me intrigued.
It hasn't been easy to make changes, but it hasn't been as hard as it has been in the past, either. The critical piece seems to be this determination to put what is and what feels wholesome and nurturing before all else. My deadlines were taxing, and I was up until all hours of the morning seven nights in a row. And some days I put my deadlines first. But I sure learned a lot.
For one thing, getting outside is a game changer for me. Originally, I wrote 2-3 times / week, and now I know it should be more like 5-6. I'm not overly ambitious; even 20 minutes does the trick. (In fact, I think there's something to be said for underachieving, but that's another post.) I noticed that when too many days (like 3) had passed without getting outside for a spell, I was wired, fried, and grumpy. I found myself reaching for sweets, wine, things to take the edge off. Obvious now but counter-intuitive when I was under the gun, when I felt I had no time to spare. I think getting outside and taking the time to be with my family were crucial to getting through all those deadlines. It was about keeping things sustainable, I suppose. While I could have been a lot more patient with Mikey, and wish I had been, I also had a lot of time that I was fully present and in a good mood with him. (So score one point for me! That piece is BIG!)
I surprised myself, too. There's lots of things I haven't attended to...there are boxes in my son's room waiting for me to organize his closet; there's my own room, collecting piles of things that need to be put away away, filed, cleaned; there's my employee review at the restaurant, which didn't say anything I didn't already know, good or bad, but sucked anyway, and I've felt off at work ever since; there's framed photos leaned against door frames, waiting for me to put them up.
But what I did attend to was my body, and this is where I surprised myself. Usually this is a place that I abandon under deadline. Not only did I not abandon it, I moved forward, without a lot of conscious effort.. I took a bodytalk access class, which fits in perfectly with my challenge and taking care of myself, and have been practicing the techniques, if sporadically; I switched from lattes to green tea; I've been going to the gym 2-3 times a week and being in my body. What surprised me the most is my spontaneous new commitment to healing my back, which seems to have come out of me of its own accord.
One day I just decided that paying chiropractors and therapists to basically maintain where I'm at is crazy. I was behind the 8 ball, always having to drag myself back because the pain was so debilitating. I've known this for a long time, but never felt I had the energy and commitment for it. (Don't forget, I've been addressing it for 6 years now, seeing improvement so slowly can really take that starch out of you). So one thing that switched for me so far in the challenge is that even in the middle of an exhausting, super busy month, somehow I had the energy and initiative to research ways to help my back, purchase a new tool (the sacro-wedgy) and start using it, compile a list of stretches and exercises based on my own opinion of what I need and started doing them at the gym. This was huge for me. I've had to scale back on my workouts (no more working out hard enough to sweat or get winded, I only got 3 of those in. I was so excited since it had been 6 years, and now it's done again indefinitely but at least it feels like a benchmark of some kind) but I feel I'm on the right track with my overall goal.
Part of my challenge is to acknowledge what I have done: I've cooked some nice meals, taken walks, skied, and bowled with my family. Except for when I've lost my equilibrium in the face of my deadlines, I've been super present with my son, had the energy for him too. That's the most important thing of all. I took a personal day, unpaid, and slept. The whole time. I organized a mom's night out with my girlfriends, we had dinner just the 3 of us. I've continued to move Mikey to a gluten free diet and help him get better. I had honest, long talks with my husband about where we are and what we want. I finished school, took a doozy of a final exam, plugged away at my thesis, did all the year end bookkeeping for my husband's business and my clients, and coached them around looking forward to this year in terms of business growth, direction, marketing, and employee relations. And three nights a week, I went to the restaurant and waited on people. I don't feel so run over when I look at that list. At least I earned it! No wonder I need more energy coming in...
Which brings me to what I've resolved, going into February. This morning I felt defeated as another killer week spread before me. No hard deadlines, but a ton of stuff to do, and no ability to put it off. Loose deadlines, you could say. Accountabilities. (I know that's not a word, I'm making it one, a la George W)
After stressing about it for several hours (I was too busy until yesterday with past deadlines to even look ahead), I had an aha moment and remembered that I'm wanting to change how I approach these things. I recommitted to the art of falling backwards. I'm starting with my most important things - those in my challenge - and letting everything else fill in the cracks. And we'll see what happens. Will it all get done? I've been getting calls, more things asked to be done (I don't really feel I can turn them down, we need the money. I think. We'll see how it goes. What do we really need?) Will I be able to do what I most want to do right now, dive into painting and things I find nourishing? Or will I still feel I have to put my own creating things off and just continue to attend to my body, my sanity, my family, and finishing school as I did last month? Hmmmm.....
It hasn't been easy to make changes, but it hasn't been as hard as it has been in the past, either. The critical piece seems to be this determination to put what is and what feels wholesome and nurturing before all else. My deadlines were taxing, and I was up until all hours of the morning seven nights in a row. And some days I put my deadlines first. But I sure learned a lot.
For one thing, getting outside is a game changer for me. Originally, I wrote 2-3 times / week, and now I know it should be more like 5-6. I'm not overly ambitious; even 20 minutes does the trick. (In fact, I think there's something to be said for underachieving, but that's another post.) I noticed that when too many days (like 3) had passed without getting outside for a spell, I was wired, fried, and grumpy. I found myself reaching for sweets, wine, things to take the edge off. Obvious now but counter-intuitive when I was under the gun, when I felt I had no time to spare. I think getting outside and taking the time to be with my family were crucial to getting through all those deadlines. It was about keeping things sustainable, I suppose. While I could have been a lot more patient with Mikey, and wish I had been, I also had a lot of time that I was fully present and in a good mood with him. (So score one point for me! That piece is BIG!)
I surprised myself, too. There's lots of things I haven't attended to...there are boxes in my son's room waiting for me to organize his closet; there's my own room, collecting piles of things that need to be put away away, filed, cleaned; there's my employee review at the restaurant, which didn't say anything I didn't already know, good or bad, but sucked anyway, and I've felt off at work ever since; there's framed photos leaned against door frames, waiting for me to put them up.
But what I did attend to was my body, and this is where I surprised myself. Usually this is a place that I abandon under deadline. Not only did I not abandon it, I moved forward, without a lot of conscious effort.. I took a bodytalk access class, which fits in perfectly with my challenge and taking care of myself, and have been practicing the techniques, if sporadically; I switched from lattes to green tea; I've been going to the gym 2-3 times a week and being in my body. What surprised me the most is my spontaneous new commitment to healing my back, which seems to have come out of me of its own accord.
One day I just decided that paying chiropractors and therapists to basically maintain where I'm at is crazy. I was behind the 8 ball, always having to drag myself back because the pain was so debilitating. I've known this for a long time, but never felt I had the energy and commitment for it. (Don't forget, I've been addressing it for 6 years now, seeing improvement so slowly can really take that starch out of you). So one thing that switched for me so far in the challenge is that even in the middle of an exhausting, super busy month, somehow I had the energy and initiative to research ways to help my back, purchase a new tool (the sacro-wedgy) and start using it, compile a list of stretches and exercises based on my own opinion of what I need and started doing them at the gym. This was huge for me. I've had to scale back on my workouts (no more working out hard enough to sweat or get winded, I only got 3 of those in. I was so excited since it had been 6 years, and now it's done again indefinitely but at least it feels like a benchmark of some kind) but I feel I'm on the right track with my overall goal.
Part of my challenge is to acknowledge what I have done: I've cooked some nice meals, taken walks, skied, and bowled with my family. Except for when I've lost my equilibrium in the face of my deadlines, I've been super present with my son, had the energy for him too. That's the most important thing of all. I took a personal day, unpaid, and slept. The whole time. I organized a mom's night out with my girlfriends, we had dinner just the 3 of us. I've continued to move Mikey to a gluten free diet and help him get better. I had honest, long talks with my husband about where we are and what we want. I finished school, took a doozy of a final exam, plugged away at my thesis, did all the year end bookkeeping for my husband's business and my clients, and coached them around looking forward to this year in terms of business growth, direction, marketing, and employee relations. And three nights a week, I went to the restaurant and waited on people. I don't feel so run over when I look at that list. At least I earned it! No wonder I need more energy coming in...
Which brings me to what I've resolved, going into February. This morning I felt defeated as another killer week spread before me. No hard deadlines, but a ton of stuff to do, and no ability to put it off. Loose deadlines, you could say. Accountabilities. (I know that's not a word, I'm making it one, a la George W)
After stressing about it for several hours (I was too busy until yesterday with past deadlines to even look ahead), I had an aha moment and remembered that I'm wanting to change how I approach these things. I recommitted to the art of falling backwards. I'm starting with my most important things - those in my challenge - and letting everything else fill in the cracks. And we'll see what happens. Will it all get done? I've been getting calls, more things asked to be done (I don't really feel I can turn them down, we need the money. I think. We'll see how it goes. What do we really need?) Will I be able to do what I most want to do right now, dive into painting and things I find nourishing? Or will I still feel I have to put my own creating things off and just continue to attend to my body, my sanity, my family, and finishing school as I did last month? Hmmmm.....
Disconnect Notice
I had a coaching class yesterday, where I ended up being the client for a master coach. It was an amazing experience; as we went along, this particular coach seemed a little confused and maybe even not quite getting what I was saying, then bam, with one question she's brought it all around for me and suddenly I've got the answer to what I was being coached around. Powerful stuff.
Disconnected is a word I used several times without even being aware of it. I was referring to the fact that I'm testing between professional level and master level coaching in my class, so I know I have an aptitude for it, but I've had less than 100 hours of coaching experience. (To get your credentials for professional, you have to test at that level and also have over 800 paid hours of experience. For master, another test and over 1200 paid hours. Most coaches log less than 5 hours/ week of paid coaching).
I realized that's a theme for me, feeling a disconnect with my ability level (or perceived ability level, by myself and others) and what I'm actually able to do. After many years of trying to do something and getting in my own way (usually because I've got some fear or resistance hanging me up) I've lost a lot of confidence. I'm not sure of what I can do anymore. And as my class is wrapping up, I'm not sure where I want to go with coaching.
Ironically, the one way I want to go right now is painting. Ironic because painting is not an area that I feel my ability level is high. High enough, I suppose, to be considered good enough, by art teachers and anyone who doesn't paint at all. But not as good as my brother. Not as good as the really great painters in my art classes. It's not an ability I've really put myself into, to develop, either. So I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability, yet it's all I want to do right now. Another form of disconnection - instead of pursuing something I have an obvious talent for, I want to do something I have little talent for. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and my head's been driving for way too long anyhow. So I'm going to see if I can paint some of the vintage style ski posters my husband creates.
It doesn't make sense. The chances of it becoming a career are very slim. I'm not even very good. But it's what I want to do! And what I really feel right now is that I can't keep putting energy out without energy coming in. Creating a new business around coaching is a whole lot of energy out. But painting, and walking outside, and practices like bodytalk and qigong, that's energy in. So maybe it's not a disconnect. Maybe it's finally the opposite. Maybe I'm about to connect with something powerful instead. Because I'm not worrying about the long term outcome, I'm just listening to what I need to do in the moment.
Disconnected is a word I used several times without even being aware of it. I was referring to the fact that I'm testing between professional level and master level coaching in my class, so I know I have an aptitude for it, but I've had less than 100 hours of coaching experience. (To get your credentials for professional, you have to test at that level and also have over 800 paid hours of experience. For master, another test and over 1200 paid hours. Most coaches log less than 5 hours/ week of paid coaching).
I realized that's a theme for me, feeling a disconnect with my ability level (or perceived ability level, by myself and others) and what I'm actually able to do. After many years of trying to do something and getting in my own way (usually because I've got some fear or resistance hanging me up) I've lost a lot of confidence. I'm not sure of what I can do anymore. And as my class is wrapping up, I'm not sure where I want to go with coaching.
Ironically, the one way I want to go right now is painting. Ironic because painting is not an area that I feel my ability level is high. High enough, I suppose, to be considered good enough, by art teachers and anyone who doesn't paint at all. But not as good as my brother. Not as good as the really great painters in my art classes. It's not an ability I've really put myself into, to develop, either. So I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability, yet it's all I want to do right now. Another form of disconnection - instead of pursuing something I have an obvious talent for, I want to do something I have little talent for. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and my head's been driving for way too long anyhow. So I'm going to see if I can paint some of the vintage style ski posters my husband creates.
It doesn't make sense. The chances of it becoming a career are very slim. I'm not even very good. But it's what I want to do! And what I really feel right now is that I can't keep putting energy out without energy coming in. Creating a new business around coaching is a whole lot of energy out. But painting, and walking outside, and practices like bodytalk and qigong, that's energy in. So maybe it's not a disconnect. Maybe it's finally the opposite. Maybe I'm about to connect with something powerful instead. Because I'm not worrying about the long term outcome, I'm just listening to what I need to do in the moment.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Neurotic Nation
I've got to pull some stuff together and really outline what this challenge is about (if you noticed, at this point all of my pages like "back story" and "the challenge" are still blank) but it's an overwhelming list for sure. There's so much stuff you're supposed to be doing, if you listen to all the magazines and doctors, and frankly, your own body. Here's what I know, just off the top of my head: (Remember, these are things you're supposed to do every day, along with go to your job, spend quality time with your family, cook, clean, and get all your chores and errands done. Seriously, if you aren't neglecting your children, how can anyone do this unless they're a stay at home parent with kids in school, or single with enough cash?)
The kicker is, a lot of these things we need to do to feel good in our lives. And we aren't getting to them. At least I haven't been. I suspect part of the problem is that we address this list as if it were a to-do list. Or a pipe dream. Hopefully this year I discover some other way to do things, that works for me.
- Exercise regularly
- Get 8 hours of sleep at least
- Eat right: unprocessed, organic, healthy fats, lots of greens, not too much meat, dairy, or wheat
- Take your vitamins, especially omega-3s
- Drink 8 oz of water a day
- Meditate or do yoga
- Be grateful: pray or have a gratitude journal
- Do something outside in the fresh air
- Do your physical therapy exercises
- Stretch
- See your doctor regularly
- Change your life over to gluten and dairy free, etc - seriously, this is hard. HARD.
- Get them whatever professional support is required
- Be constantly working on ways to help them
- Manage your own feelings around it - powerlessness, anger, burn out, etc
- See your friends, maybe even make some new ones
- Have a date once in a while
- Have people over for a get together
- Enjoy your hobby
- Take a vacation
- As all moms have experienced , take an unhurried shower in peace
- Remember friends and family birthdays with thoughtful notes or gifts
- Email or call your friends and family so they know you haven't fallen off the face of the earth
- Make those cupcakes for the bake sale or go to those board meetings or coach that little league team or whatever you've volunteered for
- Your finances, making sure you're in line for retirement, your kids college, getting out of debt
- Personal care: plucking, shaving, dying, buffing, smoothing, conditioning, exfoliating, and styling
- Relationship care: the fire in your marriage, dealing with sticky or hurtful situations
The kicker is, a lot of these things we need to do to feel good in our lives. And we aren't getting to them. At least I haven't been. I suspect part of the problem is that we address this list as if it were a to-do list. Or a pipe dream. Hopefully this year I discover some other way to do things, that works for me.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Okay, the Challenge
I'm only 17 days behind in getting the challenge in this blog going - not too shabby in my world. I admit, I may not be the best blogger - too wordy, too many thoughts in one sentence, posts that are too long. I admire my friend Paige's blog, her short sweet posts that bring humor or sweetness into my day. Kind of like her.
Anyway. The challenge. So far I've been doing it very informally - basically, just following the one key thing: putting how I live ahead of what I get done, no easy task in my hectic life, where the to do list is constant and demanding. But already I'm seeing big differences, because I'm not repeatedly pushing my little engine into the red zone.
I now start the day thinking about what would make me feel relaxed and energized in my day instead of mentally cataloging my to-do list. You could say it's a matter of focus. I still have to get the same things done. But my approach is different. I pay more attention to when I'm pushing myself over my stress threshold, and attend to it immediately. Things that nourish me are taking priority, so I'm on a much more even keel. And I'm still managing to get things done, because they seem to take less effort. Intense, demanding deadlines still have the ability to throw me (see my last post!) but my recovery was much faster and more fun.
On the challenge itself, so far the only changes I've made are :
Surprisingly, even doing this little bit has made a huge difference. I think because it boils down to two things: Getting outside and being aware of my body moving. No one really talks about it like this, but I think getting outside is the primary way we're programmed to renew our energy and reset ourselves. There's a lot of talk about getting exercise, but I suspect that's not the key piece. I suspect the key piece is in just being exposed to the wind, the sun, earth, water, sky. Doing them both at the same time is even better. As for the green tea? I do better without milk, that's for sure, but the biggest benefit might be that it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.
One reason I've been able to do this even under the gun is that I was already prepared to go: In months (or years!) past, I'd already gotten a gym bag organized with everything I need in it, so that wasn't a step I had to deal with. I'd set up a membership and gone to the gym enough with this system that it felt natural. I'd already purchased green tea and had a strainer for it. I'd just never used it. So the startup energy to make these changes had already been expended.
The number one thing I've learned when it comes to making changes is that you have to monitor how stressful is the act of making the changes. Stress created by the change itself is the ultimate derailer. This can be as simple as the self-imposed pressure to do: get to the gym, cut back on sweets, it doesn't matter. Our minds, by nature, resist what creates stress. Taking the stess-type pressure off is critical. So starting with things I already had in place, that no longer felt foreign, was key.
So there's 2 things at play here: 1, doing the challenge and 2, more important, doing it not as a checklist, but with a whole new approach. Because it's the approach, this thing I've dubbed the art of falling backwards, that will make the real difference. And really, I've taken years to assemble myself for this...this experiment is where I put all the pieces together, and my hypothesis is that it just may change my life, for the way, way, way better. The carrot is that I don't know at this point exactly how it will be different, just that it will be good.
But I know this. Getting the same (or darn close) amount of work done, I've had way more quality time with my son, had way more enjoyable moments during the day, there's less tension around tension-causing things with my husband, and I've had a better attitude at my restaurant job. I may be taking a while to get this blog off the ground, but it's been 17 well spent days so far.
Anyway. The challenge. So far I've been doing it very informally - basically, just following the one key thing: putting how I live ahead of what I get done, no easy task in my hectic life, where the to do list is constant and demanding. But already I'm seeing big differences, because I'm not repeatedly pushing my little engine into the red zone.
I now start the day thinking about what would make me feel relaxed and energized in my day instead of mentally cataloging my to-do list. You could say it's a matter of focus. I still have to get the same things done. But my approach is different. I pay more attention to when I'm pushing myself over my stress threshold, and attend to it immediately. Things that nourish me are taking priority, so I'm on a much more even keel. And I'm still managing to get things done, because they seem to take less effort. Intense, demanding deadlines still have the ability to throw me (see my last post!) but my recovery was much faster and more fun.
On the challenge itself, so far the only changes I've made are :
- Switching from lattes to green tea
- Getting to the gym 2-3 times / week
- Getting outside to soak up nature for walks, skiing, anything 2-3 times / week
Surprisingly, even doing this little bit has made a huge difference. I think because it boils down to two things: Getting outside and being aware of my body moving. No one really talks about it like this, but I think getting outside is the primary way we're programmed to renew our energy and reset ourselves. There's a lot of talk about getting exercise, but I suspect that's not the key piece. I suspect the key piece is in just being exposed to the wind, the sun, earth, water, sky. Doing them both at the same time is even better. As for the green tea? I do better without milk, that's for sure, but the biggest benefit might be that it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.
One reason I've been able to do this even under the gun is that I was already prepared to go: In months (or years!) past, I'd already gotten a gym bag organized with everything I need in it, so that wasn't a step I had to deal with. I'd set up a membership and gone to the gym enough with this system that it felt natural. I'd already purchased green tea and had a strainer for it. I'd just never used it. So the startup energy to make these changes had already been expended.
The number one thing I've learned when it comes to making changes is that you have to monitor how stressful is the act of making the changes. Stress created by the change itself is the ultimate derailer. This can be as simple as the self-imposed pressure to do: get to the gym, cut back on sweets, it doesn't matter. Our minds, by nature, resist what creates stress. Taking the stess-type pressure off is critical. So starting with things I already had in place, that no longer felt foreign, was key.
So there's 2 things at play here: 1, doing the challenge and 2, more important, doing it not as a checklist, but with a whole new approach. Because it's the approach, this thing I've dubbed the art of falling backwards, that will make the real difference. And really, I've taken years to assemble myself for this...this experiment is where I put all the pieces together, and my hypothesis is that it just may change my life, for the way, way, way better. The carrot is that I don't know at this point exactly how it will be different, just that it will be good.
But I know this. Getting the same (or darn close) amount of work done, I've had way more quality time with my son, had way more enjoyable moments during the day, there's less tension around tension-causing things with my husband, and I've had a better attitude at my restaurant job. I may be taking a while to get this blog off the ground, but it's been 17 well spent days so far.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Frenemies
Update: Challenge 1, Alicia 0
If I were writing a novel right now, the title character would have some major flaw, some reason for you to doubt their ability to wind up with a happily ever after. You'd see that it wouldn't come easy, and for the most part, it would be their own fault. Too proud, sorry for themselves, or up against impossible odds - and without fail, they'd do something akin to shooting themselves in the foot. You'd see their stubbornness, their inability to voice what they feel, the ways they hide, maybe a doormat quality. Something that when combined with what's admirable in them, winds up allowing you to forgive them, to genuinely like them, to root for them.
Of course, in that novel, at the end of a hundred pages or so, there's transformation. The title character has become more somehow, in a way that matters. But this isn't a novel, and while I'm the title character, there's a good chance that my experiment here will wind up little more than a failed and mostly ignored New Year's challenge. Because this is real life, where over and over again, people don't break out of the track they're on, don't make any real changes in how they think or live their lives. We love these books because they tell us that it can happen, that in spite of ourselves, we can have moments of grace, peace, happiness. And sometimes we do. But when we're actually trying to create change, what are the odds? How many people actually follow through on resolutions, no matter when they're made?
I did well until Sunday, and then I didn't. All my worst habits whiplashed back at me, and have all week since. The deadline looming on Friday's had me back in my old ways, on edge because it's not done yet, focused on my to do list instead of my to live list. I've been reaching for chocolate and junk food left and right to soothe myself, impatient with my family, ignoring what I know is good for me, surfing the internet - sale shopping but I don't buy anything, distracting myself with solving whatever decorating problem's been bugging me, as if finally getting some juice glasses is going to change anything. I know I need to be outside, getting some fresh air, but I'm not. Me, myself, and I? Turns out we're frenemies, with an infinite capacity for betrayal.
I'll be so embarrassed if this experiment tanks before I even get it off the ground. I'll feel like once again I overreached myself, once again didn't understand what I'm capable or not capable of. Mostly, I'll be feeling like WTF, is worrying about payroll liabilities going to be the driving force in my life?
On the plus side? I did manage to have green tea instead of a latte today. Did I mention I'm out of milk?
If I were writing a novel right now, the title character would have some major flaw, some reason for you to doubt their ability to wind up with a happily ever after. You'd see that it wouldn't come easy, and for the most part, it would be their own fault. Too proud, sorry for themselves, or up against impossible odds - and without fail, they'd do something akin to shooting themselves in the foot. You'd see their stubbornness, their inability to voice what they feel, the ways they hide, maybe a doormat quality. Something that when combined with what's admirable in them, winds up allowing you to forgive them, to genuinely like them, to root for them.
Of course, in that novel, at the end of a hundred pages or so, there's transformation. The title character has become more somehow, in a way that matters. But this isn't a novel, and while I'm the title character, there's a good chance that my experiment here will wind up little more than a failed and mostly ignored New Year's challenge. Because this is real life, where over and over again, people don't break out of the track they're on, don't make any real changes in how they think or live their lives. We love these books because they tell us that it can happen, that in spite of ourselves, we can have moments of grace, peace, happiness. And sometimes we do. But when we're actually trying to create change, what are the odds? How many people actually follow through on resolutions, no matter when they're made?
I did well until Sunday, and then I didn't. All my worst habits whiplashed back at me, and have all week since. The deadline looming on Friday's had me back in my old ways, on edge because it's not done yet, focused on my to do list instead of my to live list. I've been reaching for chocolate and junk food left and right to soothe myself, impatient with my family, ignoring what I know is good for me, surfing the internet - sale shopping but I don't buy anything, distracting myself with solving whatever decorating problem's been bugging me, as if finally getting some juice glasses is going to change anything. I know I need to be outside, getting some fresh air, but I'm not. Me, myself, and I? Turns out we're frenemies, with an infinite capacity for betrayal.
I'll be so embarrassed if this experiment tanks before I even get it off the ground. I'll feel like once again I overreached myself, once again didn't understand what I'm capable or not capable of. Mostly, I'll be feeling like WTF, is worrying about payroll liabilities going to be the driving force in my life?
On the plus side? I did manage to have green tea instead of a latte today. Did I mention I'm out of milk?
Friday, January 6, 2012
Holding On
It turns out you can't hold on and fall backwards at the same time. Tough lesson, especially when what you want to hold onto is your mom.
Change. You can't prepare for it; you can't brace yourself. It just hits you. And suddenly, the life you knew before is over. Forever. Sometimes it's good: Falling in love. Seeing your baby for the first time. Stepping down in a new country. But sometimes it's like a bad accident: The car stops moving, but we don't. Instead we keep moving forward, not understanding that things have changed, until we hit the dashboard, the windshield, fly through the air. Untethered. Hurt. We wake up and we don't know where we are, or how we got here. We know just one thing, with sickening certainty - that we woke up in a different world than the one we woke to yesterday. The life we had before is gone.
My mom is still alive. She's in Ketchikan, Alaska for the moment. She has no permanent address. I got a letter that begins, 'Dear Family' - she's afraid to write any names. I don't know if it's because she's afraid the wrong eyes will see the card, or she's afraid that the card will arrive in a reality where her daughter's name is not Alicia. My mom's alive. Sometimes we don't know where she is for too many months and we try to staunch the panic that rises, that spreads through my sisters and I like a virus. No matter what our heads say, or what our hearts say, we get scared.
But thankfully, she's still here, still fundamentally herself. Funny, sweet, kind, opinionated. I lost her anyway. A long time ago. I can't even say exactly when, but there it is. I lost her, I pushed her away, I wanted her back, but it would never be the same. And now she lives in another Universe - like an exlover, out there in the world but no longer in my world - and there's no telling what will happen. I think I've given up that she'll ever rejoin my world, a world where she can be present with her grandson, really engage with him or pay real attention to what he says. Or to me, and what I say. She's ghost grandma; I buy presents for him at Christmas and his birthday, from her, so he knows she loves him. Because she does. I've never doubted that. But I can't say if he'll ever have, however brief, a moment of real connection with her. In ways I can't explain, she's gone. But still I hold on.
What would letting go look like? There was no goodbye, there's no headstone to visit. I can still write her letters, and she will read them. But I have such a hard time doing so; it stirs a pot inside myself I'd sooner leave be. Holding on is as hard as letting go. The thing is, I miss her. I need her. I don't understand, in the very core of me, why she left me. I mean, I get it in my head. I can even be philosophical about it. But everywhere else, I just ache. I want my mom back.
How do you go on without your mom, or your husband, or your child? How does anybody? Don't answer me. I don't care about grief and faith and the human spirit right now. I just want to know how it is that life can do that, that it can change so suddenly and with such finality. I want to know how that's even possible, on some subatomic level. Because I have woken up to that; I have woken up and realized I was not dreaming, that how I felt would stretch out before me indefinitely, that nothing would ever be the same. And I have felt that it is wrong. I have felt lost. I have felt blown apart.
But it is possible. It's even probable. Sooner or later, harshly or softly, tragedy impacts everyone. My mom loved me. My mom left me. I'm guessing that under the schizophrenia, she didn't want to. When I look at how desperately I want to always be there for my son, I can't imagine that she would choose to leave. Does it help to know this? I don't know.
Have you ever seen that Tom Cruise movie, Vanilla Sky? I'd forgotten about it, but it just popped back into my head, the scene at the end where he chooses to start his new life, and falls backwards off the top of the skyscraper. I'm gathering all of this to my chest - all the questions, all the feelings, how much I love her, how much I miss her, how safe and warm and comforting it felt to be near her back then, how on edge I feel around her now, and stepping off, letting go of something else. The idea that it could be any other way. The idea that any other life existed, or could exist. I'm not in prison. Where I am now is not a place to be endured by visiting what I once knew. My life feels strange and uncertain and still, even 20 years later, a brave new world.
But the answer, I finally understand, is not to right my life, to create some place of peace and security and fun. I've been trying for 20 years and it seems like in response life has been determined, in numerous small ways, to stymie me. To show me that it's not the answer. I can't tell you exactly what the answer is, right now. But it starts with holding everything I am, and everything I feel, as sacred. Taking it with me as I step out on what still sometimes feels like foreign soil. Hold my hand up to shade my eyes from the sun as I look around, take stock, feel the tingle of a new landscape before me. My life, in this moment, on this day.
Change. You can't prepare for it; you can't brace yourself. It just hits you. And suddenly, the life you knew before is over. Forever. Sometimes it's good: Falling in love. Seeing your baby for the first time. Stepping down in a new country. But sometimes it's like a bad accident: The car stops moving, but we don't. Instead we keep moving forward, not understanding that things have changed, until we hit the dashboard, the windshield, fly through the air. Untethered. Hurt. We wake up and we don't know where we are, or how we got here. We know just one thing, with sickening certainty - that we woke up in a different world than the one we woke to yesterday. The life we had before is gone.
My mom is still alive. She's in Ketchikan, Alaska for the moment. She has no permanent address. I got a letter that begins, 'Dear Family' - she's afraid to write any names. I don't know if it's because she's afraid the wrong eyes will see the card, or she's afraid that the card will arrive in a reality where her daughter's name is not Alicia. My mom's alive. Sometimes we don't know where she is for too many months and we try to staunch the panic that rises, that spreads through my sisters and I like a virus. No matter what our heads say, or what our hearts say, we get scared.
But thankfully, she's still here, still fundamentally herself. Funny, sweet, kind, opinionated. I lost her anyway. A long time ago. I can't even say exactly when, but there it is. I lost her, I pushed her away, I wanted her back, but it would never be the same. And now she lives in another Universe - like an exlover, out there in the world but no longer in my world - and there's no telling what will happen. I think I've given up that she'll ever rejoin my world, a world where she can be present with her grandson, really engage with him or pay real attention to what he says. Or to me, and what I say. She's ghost grandma; I buy presents for him at Christmas and his birthday, from her, so he knows she loves him. Because she does. I've never doubted that. But I can't say if he'll ever have, however brief, a moment of real connection with her. In ways I can't explain, she's gone. But still I hold on.
What would letting go look like? There was no goodbye, there's no headstone to visit. I can still write her letters, and she will read them. But I have such a hard time doing so; it stirs a pot inside myself I'd sooner leave be. Holding on is as hard as letting go. The thing is, I miss her. I need her. I don't understand, in the very core of me, why she left me. I mean, I get it in my head. I can even be philosophical about it. But everywhere else, I just ache. I want my mom back.
How do you go on without your mom, or your husband, or your child? How does anybody? Don't answer me. I don't care about grief and faith and the human spirit right now. I just want to know how it is that life can do that, that it can change so suddenly and with such finality. I want to know how that's even possible, on some subatomic level. Because I have woken up to that; I have woken up and realized I was not dreaming, that how I felt would stretch out before me indefinitely, that nothing would ever be the same. And I have felt that it is wrong. I have felt lost. I have felt blown apart.
But it is possible. It's even probable. Sooner or later, harshly or softly, tragedy impacts everyone. My mom loved me. My mom left me. I'm guessing that under the schizophrenia, she didn't want to. When I look at how desperately I want to always be there for my son, I can't imagine that she would choose to leave. Does it help to know this? I don't know.
Have you ever seen that Tom Cruise movie, Vanilla Sky? I'd forgotten about it, but it just popped back into my head, the scene at the end where he chooses to start his new life, and falls backwards off the top of the skyscraper. I'm gathering all of this to my chest - all the questions, all the feelings, how much I love her, how much I miss her, how safe and warm and comforting it felt to be near her back then, how on edge I feel around her now, and stepping off, letting go of something else. The idea that it could be any other way. The idea that any other life existed, or could exist. I'm not in prison. Where I am now is not a place to be endured by visiting what I once knew. My life feels strange and uncertain and still, even 20 years later, a brave new world.
But the answer, I finally understand, is not to right my life, to create some place of peace and security and fun. I've been trying for 20 years and it seems like in response life has been determined, in numerous small ways, to stymie me. To show me that it's not the answer. I can't tell you exactly what the answer is, right now. But it starts with holding everything I am, and everything I feel, as sacred. Taking it with me as I step out on what still sometimes feels like foreign soil. Hold my hand up to shade my eyes from the sun as I look around, take stock, feel the tingle of a new landscape before me. My life, in this moment, on this day.
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