I had a coaching class yesterday, where I ended up being the client for a master coach. It was an amazing experience; as we went along, this particular coach seemed a little confused and maybe even not quite getting what I was saying, then bam, with one question she's brought it all around for me and suddenly I've got the answer to what I was being coached around. Powerful stuff.
Disconnected is a word I used several times without even being aware of it. I was referring to the fact that I'm testing between professional level and master level coaching in my class, so I know I have an aptitude for it, but I've had less than 100 hours of coaching experience. (To get your credentials for professional, you have to test at that level and also have over 800 paid hours of experience. For master, another test and over 1200 paid hours. Most coaches log less than 5 hours/ week of paid coaching).
I realized that's a theme for me, feeling a disconnect with my ability level (or perceived ability level, by myself and others) and what I'm actually able to do. After many years of trying to do something and getting in my own way (usually because I've got some fear or resistance hanging me up) I've lost a lot of confidence. I'm not sure of what I can do anymore. And as my class is wrapping up, I'm not sure where I want to go with coaching.
Ironically, the one way I want to go right now is painting. Ironic because painting is not an area that I feel my ability level is high. High enough, I suppose, to be considered good enough, by art teachers and anyone who doesn't paint at all. But not as good as my brother. Not as good as the really great painters in my art classes. It's not an ability I've really put myself into, to develop, either. So I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability, yet it's all I want to do right now. Another form of disconnection - instead of pursuing something I have an obvious talent for, I want to do something I have little talent for. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and my head's been driving for way too long anyhow. So I'm going to see if I can paint some of the vintage style ski posters my husband creates.
It doesn't make sense. The chances of it becoming a career are very slim. I'm not even very good. But it's what I want to do! And what I really feel right now is that I can't keep putting energy out without energy coming in. Creating a new business around coaching is a whole lot of energy out. But painting, and walking outside, and practices like bodytalk and qigong, that's energy in. So maybe it's not a disconnect. Maybe it's finally the opposite. Maybe I'm about to connect with something powerful instead. Because I'm not worrying about the long term outcome, I'm just listening to what I need to do in the moment.
