Update: Challenge 1, Alicia 0
If I were writing a novel right now, the title character would have some major flaw, some reason for you to doubt their ability to wind up with a happily ever after. You'd see that it wouldn't come easy, and for the most part, it would be their own fault. Too proud, sorry for themselves, or up against impossible odds - and without fail, they'd do something akin to shooting themselves in the foot. You'd see their stubbornness, their inability to voice what they feel, the ways they hide, maybe a doormat quality. Something that when combined with what's admirable in them, winds up allowing you to forgive them, to genuinely like them, to root for them.
Of course, in that novel, at the end of a hundred pages or so, there's transformation. The title character has become more somehow, in a way that matters. But this isn't a novel, and while I'm the title character, there's a good chance that my experiment here will wind up little more than a failed and mostly ignored New Year's challenge. Because this is real life, where over and over again, people don't break out of the track they're on, don't make any real changes in how they think or live their lives. We love these books because they tell us that it can happen, that in spite of ourselves, we can have moments of grace, peace, happiness. And sometimes we do. But when we're actually trying to create change, what are the odds? How many people actually follow through on resolutions, no matter when they're made?
I did well until Sunday, and then I didn't. All my worst habits whiplashed back at me, and have all week since. The deadline looming on Friday's had me back in my old ways, on edge because it's not done yet, focused on my to do list instead of my to live list. I've been reaching for chocolate and junk food left and right to soothe myself, impatient with my family, ignoring what I know is good for me, surfing the internet - sale shopping but I don't buy anything, distracting myself with solving whatever decorating problem's been bugging me, as if finally getting some juice glasses is going to change anything. I know I need to be outside, getting some fresh air, but I'm not. Me, myself, and I? Turns out we're frenemies, with an infinite capacity for betrayal.
I'll be so embarrassed if this experiment tanks before I even get it off the ground. I'll feel like once again I overreached myself, once again didn't understand what I'm capable or not capable of. Mostly, I'll be feeling like WTF, is worrying about payroll liabilities going to be the driving force in my life?
On the plus side? I did manage to have green tea instead of a latte today. Did I mention I'm out of milk?
