The essence of conflict is two or more points of view that appear irreconcilable, or that bring up questions for us that we don't know how to answer. It's difficult, I think, to sort through everything you feel and then see your way through it to what you really want. For instance, leaving your job (and the security it provides to you and your loved ones) to follow your dreams, or even find out what your dreams are, creates conflict in everyone I've ever known.
And many people I know, including myself until recently, respond by believing that being comfortable and safe trumps all. (My need for security turned up after I had a child) If they can't see how following their dreams will allow them to continue as they've become accustomed, they'll abandon it. But are the people who settle, in the end, comfortable or safe? Some may be. But others -- they might have nice houses, but they have health problems, or marriage problems, or problems with their kids or addictions, or feel a sense of lack they can't define. All signs of conflict.
So how do you know which side of yourself to listen to? How do you set a course of action when you are being pulled in multiple directions? And how do you find some peace and equanimity in your choice?
This is what I'm exploring.
By default, we often listen to the voice of fear, the part of ourselves that makes sure we are secure, safe, and staying alive. It is a LOUD and INSISTENT voice, a feeling that floods our body, a form of extreme stress. It is beyond uncomfortable to violate whatever boundary we have around our safety, and the beliefs that underlay our point of view. But our heroes, the stuff of stories and legend, are those who seem immune. We yearn to shed the fear and do the things that feel great and wondrous to us, or at the very least we want to hear stories about them.
Our society today spends so much time reassuring people that the choice they've made is the right one: Of course you both have to work, your kids will grow up fine; of course you had to leave, that marriage wasn't working; of course you are managing the stress of living paycheck to paycheck on a combined income over $100K, it's fine to believe that smartphones, cable TV, nice cars, a house we feel is respectable enough, and a yearly trip to the family vacation spot are actually needs. (Even if we know they're not, we would never cut them out in order to quit living paycheck to paycheck and alleviate our stress.)
The rub is, none of us, not a single one, know the truth of these statements for another person. In your own life, you are the only one who can ultimately discern whether these statements are supportive (your spouse died and you have no choice but to work, or the work you do is a true soul's calling, or your child is better off all day in an institution / school than with you) or simply reinforce your justification of the choice you've made.
I've come to believe our health and happiness depends on our personal ability to find our way through our conflicted feelings, to understand where fear (and loathing) are guiding our actions, and where we are living from the soul. There is a right and wrong answer, but only we can find it for ourselves, and we can only find it if we're willing to look past our fear of not having enough, or not being enough.
Understanding this, while critical, is just the first piece. We have to find a way to reconcile these opposing feelings, to acknowledge what isn't working for us and find a solution that gives us what we ultimately truly want. It is okay to need a certain level of security. It's natural. And our fear lets us know, sometimes wisely, that we're pushing a personal limit. But why do we allow this fear to derail our deepest desires in the process? I'm going to assert, at this point in my journey, that the solution is there: That is the Universe's / God's promise to us. The creativity, the uncertainty, that gives birth to possibility -- in this lies the promise. We doubt it, but it's there, if we are willing to let go of how we've always thought and done and go find it.
This is coming to a head for me right now. There are things about my finances that simply aren't working for me. The pressure to go against what I feel is right for myself and my family right now and make more money is enormous. It comes from my fear. It also comes from not having the relationship that I want with money and our finances.
In the past, I succumbed to that fear and found a way to make money, which added stress to my life. Now I'm faced with that same fear again but want to do things differently. I don't know what will happen. But I've stepped outside the pattern, put words to my fears, know that faith or reaction alone isn't the answer. Something in my life isn't working, but I don't have to follow the same old tired way of solving it. This time, I'm finding something new to bring to the table. I started with a conversation with my husband about how the situation is making me feel, and a commitment to work together in our finances. It sounds small, but it feels monumental, so I know I'm on to something.
While the distance between need and greed may be debatable, we all want
to live in a sense of abundance. We want to have more than we need; to
be able to be generous, to share our bounty, and to feel bounty in our
lives. Don't we deserve to? This is not a sarcastic comment. Don't we all deserve to? Isn't it our birthright on this planet to create a life of abundance?
In my mind, this is the crux of it. We know we deserve that abundance, but we've become confused about how to get it. Fear is in control, in the form of the need to pay the bills, so it colors how we think abundance can be achieved.
What is the role that our society should play around these questions of how we live our lives? It's not what we do -- work or not work when there are children who need us, stay or leave a marriage, buy the things we want -- it's what behind it. I believe it does us no service to blindly reassure each other that we're making the right choices, because it's the drive behind the choices, the way we see our choices and our lives, the understanding of ourselves and what we're here to do that's so critical. We can't afford to be lost but not know it. We can't afford to not challenge each other, to seek the truth of where our choices come from and hold that mirror up for each other, with compassion and support.
Thoughts about this are not the same as answers, I know. But very simply, I recognize that there is a conflict in me between my need to survive and my need to thrive. There has to be a way to reconcile them, by identifying what I truly want and need, and finding creative ways to both support that and survive. To be creative requires a willingness to go deep into the unknown, because that is the birthplace of what's possible. And that takes faith, connection, gratitude, and grace.
As I read back over the last paragraph, it seems like finding a creative solution is a no-brainer, and nothing we haven't heard before, I know. But if it was that clear, and that obvious, people would do it all the time. We don't see that these conflicts within us can be reconciled, so we have come to believe that it's normal to struggle with the conflicts that come in turn, and that to be supportive is to commiserate with the effects of choices that aren't working for us, as if there's no other way but to endure. We see settling as obvious.
I'm on a new path, one that's much less traveled.
I'll let you know how it goes...
