I'm not sure where January went. I was as under the gun as I've ever been, and it's not over yet. Just this past week, 3 deadlines while I was a single mom, with Travis away on business. Today I'm exhausted, trying to gear myself up for the rest of the week. But my challenge has me intrigued.
It hasn't been easy to make changes, but it hasn't been as hard as it has been in the past, either. The critical piece seems to be this determination to put what is and what feels wholesome and nurturing before all else. My deadlines were taxing, and I was up until all hours of the morning seven nights in a row. And some days I put my deadlines first. But I sure learned a lot.
For one thing, getting outside is a game changer for me. Originally, I wrote 2-3 times / week, and now I know it should be more like 5-6. I'm not overly ambitious; even 20 minutes does the trick. (In fact, I think there's something to be said for underachieving, but that's another post.) I noticed that when too many days (like 3) had passed without getting outside for a spell, I was wired, fried, and grumpy. I found myself reaching for sweets, wine, things to take the edge off. Obvious now but counter-intuitive when I was under the gun, when I felt I had no time to spare. I think getting outside and taking the time to be with my family were crucial to getting through all those deadlines. It was about keeping things sustainable, I suppose. While I could have been a lot more patient with Mikey, and wish I had been, I also had a lot of time that I was fully present and in a good mood with him. (So score one point for me! That piece is BIG!)
I surprised myself, too. There's lots of things I haven't attended to...there are boxes in my son's room waiting for me to organize his closet; there's my own room, collecting piles of things that need to be put away away, filed, cleaned; there's my employee review at the restaurant, which didn't say anything I didn't already know, good or bad, but sucked anyway, and I've felt off at work ever since; there's framed photos leaned against door frames, waiting for me to put them up.
But what I did attend to was my body, and this is where I surprised myself. Usually this is a place that I abandon under deadline. Not only did I not abandon it, I moved forward, without a lot of conscious effort.. I took a bodytalk access class, which fits in perfectly with my challenge and taking care of myself, and have been practicing the techniques, if sporadically; I switched from lattes to green tea; I've been going to the gym 2-3 times a week and being in my body. What surprised me the most is my spontaneous new commitment to healing my back, which seems to have come out of me of its own accord.
One day I just decided that paying chiropractors and therapists to basically maintain where I'm at is crazy. I was behind the 8 ball, always having to drag myself back because the pain was so debilitating. I've known this for a long time, but never felt I had the energy and commitment for it. (Don't forget, I've been addressing it for 6 years now, seeing improvement so slowly can really take that starch out of you). So one thing that switched for me so far in the challenge is that even in the middle of an exhausting, super busy month, somehow I had the energy and initiative to research ways to help my back, purchase a new tool (the sacro-wedgy) and start using it, compile a list of stretches and exercises based on my own opinion of what I need and started doing them at the gym. This was huge for me. I've had to scale back on my workouts (no more working out hard enough to sweat or get winded, I only got 3 of those in. I was so excited since it had been 6 years, and now it's done again indefinitely but at least it feels like a benchmark of some kind) but I feel I'm on the right track with my overall goal.
Part of my challenge is to acknowledge what I have done: I've cooked some nice meals, taken walks, skied, and bowled with my family. Except for when I've lost my equilibrium in the face of my deadlines, I've been super present with my son, had the energy for him too. That's the most important thing of all. I took a personal day, unpaid, and slept. The whole time. I organized a mom's night out with my girlfriends, we had dinner just the 3 of us. I've continued to move Mikey to a gluten free diet and help him get better. I had honest, long talks with my husband about where we are and what we want. I finished school, took a doozy of a final exam, plugged away at my thesis, did all the year end bookkeeping for my husband's business and my clients, and coached them around looking forward to this year in terms of business growth, direction, marketing, and employee relations. And three nights a week, I went to the restaurant and waited on people. I don't feel so run over when I look at that list. At least I earned it! No wonder I need more energy coming in...
Which brings me to what I've resolved, going into February. This morning I felt defeated as another killer week spread before me. No hard deadlines, but a ton of stuff to do, and no ability to put it off. Loose deadlines, you could say. Accountabilities. (I know that's not a word, I'm making it one, a la George W)
After stressing about it for several hours (I was too busy until yesterday with past deadlines to even look ahead), I had an aha moment and remembered that I'm wanting to change how I approach these things. I recommitted to the art of falling backwards. I'm starting with my most important things - those in my challenge - and letting everything else fill in the cracks. And we'll see what happens. Will it all get done? I've been getting calls, more things asked to be done (I don't really feel I can turn them down, we need the money. I think. We'll see how it goes. What do we really need?) Will I be able to do what I most want to do right now, dive into painting and things I find nourishing? Or will I still feel I have to put my own creating things off and just continue to attend to my body, my sanity, my family, and finishing school as I did last month? Hmmmm.....
