I woke up this morning gripped with anxiety. I've spent most of February feeling this way, or the opposite, like I'm making big strides, gaining clarity, feeling good about my choices, feeling bold. Not a lot of in between though, that lovely relaxed feeling that comes from just living your days as they come. Instead, February's been a rollercoaster.
As far as my challenge goes, I suppose I've done decently. I've gone to the gym, eaten more fruits and vegetables, taken my vitamins, gotten outside for walks and skiing, been kind to myself. I've also delved in deeper with bigger challenges I've been putting off:
I've done more with healing my back, committing time and resources to the next step to wellness. That's taken more out of me than I was prepared for. I don't feel as strong as I did last month, but I know I'm further along in the process, making headway. My neck is moving better than it has, and I know what to focus on in the coming weeks. It feels like work, but I've gotten used to it, accepted it. Even like it sometimes. And I'm doing the most important piece, which is living in my body. Even if my body's going through an achy, difficult phase.
At least I'm showing up for my body, not ignoring it. I guess I was hoping that it would be more cut and dried, less confusing, that what to do next would be straightforward. But healing my back is not straightforward; it's nuanced and layered and requiring a great deal of commitment. Luckily I know what I want to feel like, the place I'm trying to get to. Somethings even that is hazy. So I'm blessed that my end goal keeps me motivated.
I've moved forward with issues in my relationships and finances that I haven't been ready to face until now. This is where all the anxiety is coming from. It's totally normal; it's a physical reaction to risk. There's a lot at risk when we start shaking things up in our finances or our relationships. So on one hand, I've risen to challenges I haven't been able to before; on the other, it has me gripped. With fear. Which is what this whole blog and experiment is about. I have to figure out how to handle what I'm going through within the context of how I want to live. Right now I'm confused about that.
The high moments this month have come as I've confronted these underlying issues and decided how I want to live, what my values are, what I am deciding is important and critical in my life. But for every high there seems to be an equal and opposite reaction. It's not surprising when I think about it; these things are issues precisely because they bring up conflicting emotions and ways of thinking and being. One thing I'm figuring out for sure, there's no way around fear. There's just no way to live without fear. But there are a lot of ways to live.
Ironically, choosing how I want to live has brought up fear. I'm giving up the guarantees I've been taught by my family and society: This is how you do it, these are the judgements that we'll measure you by, this is what you have to do to be safe, happy, and secure. It's a biological fact that going against your tribe, even in simply philosophy or thinking, puts stress on your system. We are hard wired to conform. We are hardwired to unconsciously take the judgments of others, especially people we care about, as truth about ourselves. To summon the necessary strength and fortitude, our purpose must be crystal clear.
I found how much I've been sitting on the fence, between what I really feel and believe my life should be, and what my family and friends are doing. The fence, it turns out, is the most stressful place of all. A friend of mine said, "That's why people live in communes. They just want the peace of being with others who think and feel about life the way they do."
So where am I? Tackling the toughest issues in my life, yes. But barely managing along. What can I do to not just survive this time in my life, but thrive? I can't not feel the fear as I open up these risky places, but what can I do about it? How can I live through it better, in the spirit of falling backwards?
I know the groundwork, which is making sure I get things that are ultimately nourishing. Things that are in my challenge. It's important to keep going with those. Part of the problem with needing to do nourishing things is that when we need nourishment the most, need something kind and comforting and gentle, we have very little energy to give ourselves these things. Hence my excessive reaching for chocolate and watching movies late night when I'm too uptight to sleep this month. The nourishment needs to feel easy, and supremely comforting. So that's my first order of business in March. If I want to be stronger, I'll need to be nourished.
The second thing, like knowing how I want my back and body to feel, is clarity on what I ultimately want for myself. Something to sustain me as I bear the workload. I see two ways to do this: One, with a gratitude journal, which is part of my challenge but I haven't prioritized, and two, by revisiting where I'm at and what I'm doing, so I don't feel confused and pushed around by life.
It's a tall order for March: continue to do the groundwork while I push forward with working through these things; add a gratitude journal, get clear on what I'm doing. But I think that's what it's going to take to feel lighter, to let go, to be led by inspiration instead of fear. There's no getting off the rollercoaster in the middle after all, so how am I going to feel about the ride?
