1. How has doing this challenge changed my life, in some measurable way?
I am healthier, less run down. I am physically stronger...able to do more in the gym, and enjoying being inside my body more. My back is better. I am happier moment to moment, and have more moments in my days that are infused with a sense of wonder. The only job I have right now is at the Stockyard Cafe, and I'm doing it in a very limited fashion, and the time I spend there makes me happy. It is a happy place, a little piece of heaven here on earth. It is the expression of a person (the owner) in a place in a time, and we all meet her there. She fills a need in the human soul and of the human body (it's a cafe, after all), and to be there is to be nourished. I am measuring my life in moments of peace, connection, bliss, happiness, a feeling that all is right. You cannot summon these moments; they come of their own accord, and what I can measure is how often they are happening, and how good they are making me feel. I think there's more to it; but this is a good start. I would never go back. This experiment was not a bust. It has been, instead, the beginning step in the life I want to live.
"Do what amuses you" is a piece of advice I heard, and it seems to be the best advice I've ever heard when it comes to what to do with yourself. I feel stronger in my heart, in my sense of self. I am more at peace. My marriage is stronger, my friendships more authentic. In a specific, measurable way, I can only say that I'm happier, less stressed, more able to tell you what I want from life.
Right now I feel I've made feeling good in my life, enjoying my days, building my relationships the highest priority in my life. I seem to be operating under the belief that I can't do this and make money at the same time. Maybe that's true. Maybe I needed a reprieve, no matter the cost. Has there been a big cost? I don't know. Have I been operating in lala land, not reality? I don't think so, but again, I don't know. I only know that I've been getting the break I've needed, the nourishment I've needed, the support I've needed. Where does my financial situation play into this? How much control do I need to exert over my circumstances? Can you really make a living operating from this point of view? Finding out is ahead of me.
2. Where am in terms of purpose, passion, joy & connection?
I still don't know what I think my purpose is...that thing I can sink my teeth into, the thing that is my contribution to the world, the way the Stockyard Cafe is my friend Christine's contribution. Not that there's only one contribution or even just one way to contribute. But something that's like a song in our soul that becomes amplified and resonates with other people, nourishing them somehow. I have this idea that this is how I should make my money and receive what I need from the world. Is this true? Or can I contribute in one way, and receive in another?
I want to find a definition of one's purpose that encompasses everything I think about it, how I want to approach it. It seems like one of those terms that's never defined because we all think we get it. Dismiss it, even, as being too obvious, too new age, too reaching, too something. This past year, I've approached it as some kind of Holy Grail, an answer to a yearning I've felt to make my way in this world and provide for myself and my family in a way that makes my soul sing. It's felt beyond me, but that might just be where I was in this journey.
It's funny that I put passion in my original thoughts about Falling Backwards. It's not something I've spent any time thinking about until recently. But I understand that it's always been central to me; I've steered away from anything that seemed to lack it. I don't know if it's at my core, or everyone's core, but I know that I want a life full of it. Not in a get-swept-away-in-the-moment exciting kind of passion, but the passion of being fully alive, fully present, fully interested, fully engaged. I have been following the thread of passion without knowing it, pushing away from what deflates me and embracing what brings life and energy to me. I think I'm living a life with a lot of passion in it at the moment, but I still haven't fully stepped into it, and am still fraught with the worries of not making enough money. I'll be trying to go deeper with this in the coming year's challenge.
Joy. I know more joy. I know more of what brings me joy. I know what takes away my joy. I have seen a glimpse, but this is the beginning of my journey. Joy is a sign you're doing something right.
Connection. This, I've come to believe, is the heart of the matter. I can't really tell you more than this, except that it's a big part of what I'll be exploring this next year. Connection to myself, the world and universe around me, connection to other people, to animals. I want to say that we find redemption in connection, but I don't even know what it means to say that. Connection is sacred and profound and somehow the key.
3. How much better do I know myself, and what I want for my life? How much closer am I to getting it?
Wow. Almost every day for the last 3 months, on the advice of Deepak Chopra, I've taken 5 minutes to meditate on the questions of who I am, what I want for my life, and what I want from my life today. I don't know if I know myself much better, but my thoughts about myself are much clearer. And I understand much more about what I want for my life. Doing this exercise allowed my to get past the top layer of what I want and really explore what's deeper, closer to my heart and my soul. I want more than I ever knew; I see the connections in what I want in ways I never have. And that's without yet going back to reread my thoughts each day after meditating. I'm excited to continue this practice as part of understanding what I want to do here on this earth, on both a daily and overarching level. I am closer to getting it, in the sense that each day I've done this practice, I've been more aligned with what I really want. I have had a better, more fulfilling year than I ever have since early childhood. And I sense that my harvest is young; that it's a first year harvest, that each year has the potential to be more abundant, like a garden that's coming back with more maturity, with stronger, deeper roots.
4. What are the new pieces on the challenge list, or do I simply keep up with the list and go deeper?
My main focus for the second year of my challenge will be to maintain and deepen what I've begun. I think it's a good list, with everything that's needed for a good and fulfilling life. This coming year will be an exploration of these things as I continue with them. Some things I have not accomplished as well as I hoped for the first year: how I eat, an issue with my bladder. But I think they go back to balancing, healing, and transforming. So I'm identifying them as areas of special interest this year, areas where I've had resistance, run out of steam. Integrating them is an important piece of the year's challenge. As I do so, I suspect I'll come up against things in myself that are asking to be addressed.
Deepening connections, and sussing out what I want to do here and if / how I can provide for myself in alignment with this way of viewing life and the world are the other big pieces.
Not as part of my challenge, but as part of the journey, I'll be exploring the impact my thoughts have on my life. Perhaps I will add in to the challenge my relationship with my thoughts, but for now I'm allowing my thoughts to be expressions of what's going on in this experiment and simply observing them.
The one new piece I'm going to add is Receiving - receiving forgiveness, receiving love, receiving abundance, and whatever else is out there to receive.
So, the pieces I'll be integrating next are:
- Continuing and deepening what I'm already doing
- Eating well
- Balancing my mind and body
- Connecting
- Receiving
- Purpose - what I'm giving from my soul, in small and large ways, what I want to give more of, and how / in what ways doing so will provide for my needs and the needs of my family. Ad is it even something I need to think about, or will it come about naturally?
5. When I look at the paragraph I wrote that heads up the blog ("It began with the desire to have less fear and more joy..."), where do I stand with those things?
Living inside the present moment means being aware of the conflicts that arise within us, I've learned. And I am doing it, living this life fully and with joie de vivre, warts and worries and all. I still have much I can do, to live even more that way, and I still have moments when I lapse into my old habits of thinking. I'm realigning what my mind focuses on, as a side effect of the tasks in my challenge.
My question going forward is, will this way of living - of falling backwards - lead my to material as well as soul prosperity? Is it possible to also meet my needs, in this circuitous and happy way? I feel that there are people out there for whom this has happened -- can I be one of them? Can we all? Is there any limit to achieving and receiving what we truly want? I mean, it all sounds good in theory, but can it happen in reality? Some people say so...I guess what I'm really asking, is can it truly happen for me?
6. What has the movement been? How have I experienced a shift? How am I and my life different?
It seems I'm living more on a heart and soul level. I've shifted the driver in my life from my head to my heart, and measure my success not in my pocketbook or my security, but in my ability to embrace uncertainty and how I feel in any given moment. I've quit trying to get to peace, contentment, and fulfillment through security and instead am going straight for them. I am beginning to connect to the people I care about on a different level, and the relationships that really mean something to me are responding in powerful ways. Other relationships are experiencing schisms that have been difficult to understand or accept, but when I let them be, I find they're resetting themselves naturally. I simply don't have to work that hard at it.
What I have had to work hard at are the habits of my mind and body. The challenge and the work has come down to seeing and resetting what isn't serving me, and that has brought about everything the word 'challenge' implies. Habits of thinking, of being, of relating. We tend to think that who we are is the habits that we are; this is simply not true. Who we are is our most authentic, most soul deep, point of view and expression of ourselves. It is not what we think; it's not how we act; it's what we love, and what we love to do. When what we think and how we act reflect what we love, we're getting somewhere. And when we are able to see our fear and feel our fear and thank our fear for watching out for us and then do what we love, we have real power. At least that's what I believe right now. We'll see what this next year brings, and how it affects me, my thoughts, my beliefs, and ultimately, my life. (Yay!)
