If, as I claimed last month, I'm aligned with the seasons, then April was a fitting month. It rained. As my good friend Colee commiserated, When it rains, it pours. And it poured.
First I should start with my accomplishments. I got a lot done, and I did it while keeping my priorities straight. You know the story about putting the big rocks in first, so everything else will fit? I did, and it worked, but somehow the little rocks all decided to squawk and become big too. More than anything, I feel like I worked really hard in April and am hoping like hell that all those showers I trucked through produce some May flowers. (Seriously, life!!!)
Almost five hundred dollars later, I'm happy to announce my physical therapist was most likely worth it. Now it's up to me to take what I learned and do it. The good news is, I should be seeing huge differences in the next 12 weeks. I'm now only going once a month, instead of once a week, with a set workout routine. Just not having to make the constant adjustments to my gym routine is a huge relief. With any luck, helping my back heal gets to go on autopilot for a while.
I was a rockstar about attending to my health - yay I have no cavities, boo I am now officially of the age where I have to be serious every day about taking care of my gums. I had a health panel done - yay I did it - boo both my thyroid, kidneys, and triglycerides need attention. I got a reference for a good doctor and talked to my bodytalk practitioner. Grumpily, I'm adding that to my May to do list. I just keep trying to remember that I'll be much happier- and healthier - when those are done. Despite reassurances from my friend Holly, an ER doctor, I'm still worried.
I'm on deadline for some financial stuff I've been needing to attend to. I was hoping to be all done by the end of April, but the first week of May will be another big push. Still, I've done a lot (monsterous, really) and I'm setting myself up for the next piece. What a huge relief I'll have when it's done.
While I have not added fruits and veggies to every meal, I think about it when I eat and add something to most meals. Overall, that was a success and I'm looking forward to carrying the cleanse idea with my into May. I scheduled a haircut; I took my vitamins, I practiced qigong 2-3 times a week, I did some bodytalk, I went on walks and to the gym, and managed to write something in my gratitude journal at least twice a week. These things have helped make me happy. I booked a trip to visit my sister and help her plan her wedding. I've been attending to my relationships and spending time (but I want more!) with people I love. I've been taking care of business. It was a business month. For May, I wish for myself more good and relaxing times with loved ones and just enough business to keep everything moving.
I went to a talk given by another coach and had a uber-enlightening session with her about taking the next step towards figuring out what I want to do professionally. It starts with being completely honest and identifying what I really want without ruling anything out. More on this later - it's what I really want to focus on in May, the next piece of my challenge.
Now for the part I've been dreading a little bit...maybe you got tired of reading a ways back and will miss this part. April was a month of big growth, too. When I set out on this adventure, I said I wanted to see what would happen if I focused on my priorities and let everything else fall into place, if I didn't try all the time to keep all the balls up and everyone happy. I decided I was willing to quit clinging to the idea that I had to make my job work and stop letting it stress me out. I decided to open myself up to life presenting a new way to meet my needs.
I ended up creating a huge headache for myself at work. Honestly, it might have been coming anyway. I may have just sped it up a bit. For the first time in my life, I've been crosswise with management. They've been coming down hard on me. At work and in other areas of my life, I felt like my task this month was to figure out appropriate conflict resolution. I had to confront people at work and in my family. I learned that sometimes I should show how mad I am, and when to be diplomatic. I had to stand up for myself and find humility, at the same time. I had to admit where I'd been slacking and start exploring what it means to be a team player, from a different perspective than I've always had. And all the while, being honest with myself about how much I care and why.
Bottom line? Going into May, not only is my job in jeopardy, it's also a huge pain in my butt. Did I do myself a favor by declaring 4 months ago that it was moving down the priority list, or screw myself? Or is everything happening just as it should? This is exactly why I've never moved it down before. I'm really curious to see how it all works out. Because that's one thing I also discovered this month...all these years, starting when my mom got sick, I've been hoping that everything would be ok, which is just another way of being worried that it won't. This month, I've been telling myself that everything will be ok, that I'll be ok, no matter what happens. That's new.
So where am I as I head into May? I'm not sure. In the thick of everything, I guess. As things continue to get done, my focus will move from getting myself out of the hole I've dug to other things. I can't wait. It's scary, since I've been in this place of struggle for so long that in some ways it's all I know, but exciting too. I really wanted to be doing some art by May. I don't feel ready yet, but that doesn't mean it won't happen.
I went to bed last night feeling different than I have in a long time. I almost didn't say anything - I don't want to jinx it. I felt a lot more joy, coming home to my little family, with less worry about my job or the money I made. It was a beautiful, barely warm spring evening, and walking through the door and seeing my husband and son getting ready for bed was bliss. I want to believe this is the beginning of the shift I was looking for when I set out on the art of falling backwards. We'll see.
I'm not going to add anything new for May in terms of taking care of myself, I'll just try to keep going with what I was able to accomplish this month with qigong, the gym, time outside, etc. The one thing I will add is that doctor's appointment, and addressing those things. I'll keep going with the financial stuff, there shouldn't be any surprises in my workload there. I'll see what happens with my job. I'll keep up the work I've been doing in my relationships.
The piece I'll add is exploring and identifying what I want. Everything else I've said about what I'm going to do is just to get me to this place, figuring out what I truly want. That's where the fun is, that's the next step. What I want, ruling nothing out, including how to get there. May flowers? I flippin' hope so!
