Well....May didn't turn out exactly how I'd hoped.
In my garden, I've been trying to grow hollyhocks for about 4 years. They remind me of my grandma and being at her ranch house, so I really want them. The first year was pretty successful - five beautiful plants with lots of flowers. Then the following spring, my husband accidentally dug up the whole bed and only one survived. So I planted a bunch more but none of them came back the next year. A friend gave me some starts she had last summer, so they went in. This year, just as 5 of them were coming up, the lawn guys whacked them all off, down to the ground.
So I trotted down to Lowe's and bought some garden bricks, and my fabulous husband (probably still feeling bad about digging up the bed) made the garden official, so at least the weedwhacker will quit gunning for them. I also planted some seed starts. Let me clarify here - I'm not much of a gardener. I'm a reluctant gardener. I like it when I'm doing it, but I do it because I want to look at pretty flowers, and because my 5 year old wants a vegetable garden. (He planted a sugar and cinnamon spiced almond, and has been anxiously looking for the giant almond tree he's expecting to sprout. Oh dear.)
I think I've established that I know next to nothing about gardening (other than the fact that a baked almond ain't sprouting), and don't really want to. That said, I planted some seeds inside this year. And while the wild flowers and sunflowers are growing like weeds, of the 30 individual seed pots of hollyhocks I've planted, only one has popped up. I feel a little like Mikey, anxiously watching for something to happen. And suspecting that, like Mikey, I'm going to be disappointed.
Slightly devastated but ever determined, I bought some more seeds online today. These ones are guaranteed to germinate...
That's how my May went.
Until May 16th, I did great on my challenge. Then the pressure got to me. It got hard to keep up, and feeling like I was in the last month of college, I just wanted to push through the work I had and be done. New chapter in June! Life changing!
If I have to take stock, and that is the point of a challenge, my back is aching and needs attention, but I've come to a place so far this year where I've figured out how to help it. I'm finally on the right track. My health issues require attention but aren't emergencies, and I'm set up to get what I need to heal. My relationships are stronger than they were at the beginning of the month. I seem to be in a truce with management at my job, and am keeping my eyes open for a change. My eating habits - horrible. But I'm trying. And I did start a consistent energy routine, I just need to get back to it. So I'm on the right path and headed in the right direction, I just stopped in my tracks.
Everything came to a head today. I'd been pushing and pushing and then suddenly more stuff was piled on. I had to stop. It isn't easy, but I'm going back to the commitment I made with this blog. I may not get to get all of this stuff off my plate by the end of the month and have the relief I imagine. There's no doubt other stuff to take it's place. This was a critical juncture for me, I think. I made the choice to do something differently when doing things the same has been overwhelmingly attractive. (It started with a nap!) I did make a big push, I am about to see the fruit of that labor. Something IS going to push through the dirt and sprout! It's time to resume my path.
In June, I'll be considering this commitment to falling backwards and how to be in life some more. Things have to shift in how I spend my time - there are things I'm just done with. I read an article by Deepak Chopra in O Magazine that gave me heart and illuminated the path a little more. Some things I knew and have implemented, some things left me needing to ponder them. I was on the phone with another coach today and she said some things I want to ponder, too, about how to plug into your authentic self in any situation. I want to blog more. I want to love more. I want to be more connected in general. That's what I want June to look like, as I start again with the basics of a good day to day life.
I want to leave you with an excerpt from the interview, because it sums up so much of what the Art of Falling Backwards is all about:
Oprah (talking about scheduling a massage for herself): ...they say, "Yeah but you don't have time."
Deepak: [Laughs] We have eternity. You know, as a doctor, I used to ask all my patients, "Why do you want to get well?" They'd say they want to be rid of this illness. "Why do you want to be rid of the illness?" Oh, so I can go back to work. "Why do you want to go back to work?" Oh, so I can pay my bills. "Why do you want to do that?" Then finally they'd say, "Shut up-all I want is to be happy!" I say, why not start with happiness? Why go about it in such a circuitous way?
You know what? My health issues have been about my endocrine system. Deepak was an endocrinologist. I think there's a connection...I think I'm addressing things in a way that will really make a difference in my life...I think my whole garden is going to bloom.
