- Emo Philips
I pulled a list of things to do from O Magazine as part of my challenge, and when I first read forgiveness on the list, I didn't give it much thought. I mean, it's not like we all haven't heard before that we should forgive. Truth is, once I stopped to reflect on how this piece would be a challenge - something that I actually do - I realized that I don't think I've ever really understood what it means to forgive, regularly. I understand forgiving the big offenses, how not forgiving can poison you: The need to forgive your mother for leaving you, for example. But how many of us understand forgiveness as a way to live, day to day? Especially if you come from a family that rarely forgives anything?
I started by trying to understand what forgiveness actually is:
"Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation, or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution." - Wikipedia
Concluding is the key word. Finishing. Moving on, letting go. Boy am I bad at it.
What piqued my interest in forgiveness happened a couple of weeks ago. I noticed how little my son Mikey forgives. Rather, I noticed that he does forgive sometimes, and it seems so natural to his generous, loving nature. And I noticed that other times - most of the time - he doesn't forgive. He remembers, and holds onto his grievances, and he'd rather strike out than forgive. Is this a normal developmental stage for a 5 year old? Is it a natural form of self-preservation we all struggle with? Or is something else going on?
My conclusion? It may be normal, and normal for a five year old, but I suspect he's showing what he's learned from me. Letting go of things has never been easy for me - my life before my mom got sick, mementos that remind me where I've been and what I've done, hopes and dreams. On one hand, my perseverance has emerged as one of my true strengths; on the other, I can't let go of what's hurt me, and forgive. I know everyone struggles with forgiveness; it just seems like I struggle....more.
Refusing to forgive is own of my favorite forms of self-protection, at least according to my track record. I don't move past things well, or easily. I'd never thought about forgiveness in my family before, but I see how my parents are the same way. They hold onto their grievances, both of them, and wind up shaping aspects of their lives around them, limiting their connections to others. Like me, I doubt they have any idea how little they forgive or what it means in the long run, in the bigger picture. Is it any coincidence that my family is full of loners, preferring to distance ourselves from our loved ones who've hurt us than allow that they've hurt us and find a way to mend that bridge? Like blue eyes and a quick wit, the willingness to forgive seems to be hereditary, handed down from parent to child.
Why do we need to forgive, anyway? Forgiveness seems to be at the heart of our ability to forge close, loving relationships with those around us. When I look at the rifts that have happened in my family and with my best friends, it always boils down to one person or another refusing to forgive.
I know what forgiveness looks like: The moment that the offense stops mattering, fully. What I don't understand is how it all works. I know from Quantum physics and neuroscience that energy and the way we feel when we turn our conscious attention to something has profound and far reaching implications. I know that the refusal to forgive stands in the way of the flow of love between people, and this cuts of a form of sustenance and nourishment needed by our spirits, our souls. And I suspect that a gentleman my the name of Lewis Smedes was right when he said, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."
So my question is, how do I forgive more? How do I make forgiving others and myself such a part of my daily life that my son will realize that there's no danger in forgiveness, that he has other ways to self-preserve? How do I show him what I barely understand, that our lives are richer, fuller, happier if we are able to cultivate the ability to forgive? And the most mind boggling, how do I forgive family members who constantly, absolutely refuse to forgive me and people I love?
In my family, the offense holds more weight than the person. I mean, the violation of someone's moral code is worth hurting the offender in return. "If you do not measure up in my judgment of you, I will withdraw affection, respect, and regard of you until you do something that allows me to feel you measure up." "If you hurt me, I will put a gulf between us and decide that it can never be crossed as long as you are the way you are". When I think about it, it seems preposterous that I would ever sign on to something that so clearly violates what I've learned on my own about love and connection. Yet I have signed on, unconsciously. So I guess the place to start is by observing when and what I can't forgive, be it myself or others. I'll start with just cultivating awareness, both about my lack of forgiveness, but also about how my life is enriched by knowing the person I'm refusing to forgive. And I'll just have to figure it out from there.
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