Month 1 Challenge Update

I'm not sure where January went.  I was as under the gun as I've ever been, and it's not over yet.  Just this past week, 3 deadlines while I was a single mom, with Travis away on business.  Today I'm exhausted, trying to gear myself up for the rest of the week.  But my challenge has me intrigued.

It hasn't been easy to make changes, but it hasn't been as hard as it has been in the past, either.  The critical piece seems to be this determination to put what is and what feels wholesome and nurturing before all else.  My deadlines were taxing, and I was up until all hours of the morning seven nights in a row.  And some days I put my deadlines first.  But I sure learned a lot.

For one thing, getting outside is a game changer for me.  Originally, I wrote 2-3 times / week, and now I know it should be more like 5-6.  I'm not overly ambitious; even 20 minutes does the trick.  (In fact, I think there's something to be said for underachieving, but that's another post.)  I noticed that when too many days (like 3) had passed without getting outside for a spell, I was wired, fried, and grumpy.  I found myself reaching for sweets, wine, things to take the edge off.  Obvious now but counter-intuitive when I was under the gun, when I felt I had no time to spare.  I think getting outside and taking the time to be with my family were crucial to getting through all those deadlines.  It was about keeping things sustainable, I suppose.  While I could have been a lot more patient with Mikey, and wish I had been, I also had a lot of time that I was fully present and in a good mood with him.  (So score one point for me!  That piece is BIG!)

I surprised myself, too.  There's lots of things I haven't attended to...there are boxes in my son's room waiting for me to organize his closet; there's my own room, collecting piles of things that need to be put away away, filed, cleaned; there's my employee review at the restaurant, which didn't say anything I didn't already know, good or bad, but sucked anyway, and I've felt off at work ever since; there's framed photos leaned against door frames, waiting for me to put them up. 

But what I did attend to was my body, and this is where I surprised myself.  Usually this is a place that I abandon under deadline.  Not only did I not abandon it, I moved forward, without a lot of conscious effort..  I took a bodytalk access class, which fits in perfectly with my challenge and taking care of myself, and have been practicing the techniques, if sporadically; I switched from lattes to green tea; I've been going to the gym 2-3 times a week and being in my body.  What surprised me the most is my spontaneous new commitment to healing my back, which seems to have come out of me of its own accord.

One day I just decided that paying chiropractors and therapists to basically maintain where I'm at is crazy.  I was behind the 8 ball, always having to drag myself back because the pain was so debilitating.  I've known this for a long time, but never felt I had the energy and commitment for it.   (Don't forget, I've been addressing it for 6 years now, seeing improvement so slowly can really take that starch out of you).  So one thing that switched for me so far in the challenge is that even in the middle of an exhausting, super busy month, somehow I had the energy and initiative to research ways to help my back, purchase a new tool (the sacro-wedgy) and start using it, compile a list of stretches and exercises based on my own opinion of what I need and started doing them at the gym.  This was huge for me.  I've had to scale back on my workouts (no more working out hard enough to sweat or get winded, I only got 3 of those in.  I was so excited since it had been 6 years, and now it's done again indefinitely but at least it feels like a benchmark of some kind) but I feel I'm on the right track with my overall goal.

Part of my challenge is to acknowledge what I have done:  I've cooked some nice meals, taken walks, skied, and bowled with my family.  Except for when I've lost my equilibrium in the face of my deadlines, I've been super present with my son, had the energy for him too.  That's the most important thing of all.  I took a personal day, unpaid, and slept.  The whole time.  I organized a mom's night out with my girlfriends, we had dinner just the 3 of us.  I've continued to move Mikey to a gluten free diet and help him get better.  I had honest, long talks with my husband about where we are and what we want.  I finished school, took a doozy of a final exam, plugged away at my thesis, did all the year end bookkeeping for my husband's business and my clients, and coached them around looking forward to this year in terms of business growth, direction, marketing, and employee relations.  And three nights a week, I went to the restaurant and waited on people.  I don't feel so run over when I look at that list.  At least I earned it!  No wonder I need more energy coming in...

Which brings me to what I've resolved, going into February.  This morning I felt defeated as another killer week spread before me.  No hard deadlines, but a ton of stuff to do, and no ability to put it off.  Loose deadlines, you could say.  Accountabilities.  (I know that's not a word, I'm making it one, a la George W)

After stressing about it for several hours (I was too busy until yesterday with past deadlines to even look ahead), I had an aha moment and remembered that I'm wanting to change how I approach these things.  I recommitted to the art of falling backwards.  I'm starting with my most important things - those in my challenge - and letting everything else fill in the cracks.  And we'll see what happens.  Will it all get done?  I've been getting calls, more things asked to be done (I don't really feel I can turn them down, we need the money.  I think.  We'll see how it goes.  What do we really need?)  Will I be able to do what I most want to do right now, dive into painting and things I find nourishing?  Or will I still feel I have to put my own creating things off and just continue to attend to my body, my sanity, my family, and finishing school as I did last month?   Hmmmm.....

Disconnect Notice

I had a coaching class yesterday, where I ended up being the client for a master coach.  It was an amazing experience; as we went along, this particular coach seemed a little confused and maybe even not quite getting what I was saying, then bam, with one question she's brought it all around for me and suddenly I've got the answer to what I was being coached around.  Powerful stuff.

Disconnected is a word I used several times without even being aware of it.  I was referring to the fact that I'm testing between professional level and master level coaching in my class, so I know I have an aptitude for it, but I've had less than 100 hours of coaching experience.  (To get your credentials for professional, you have to test at that level and also have over 800 paid hours of experience.  For master, another test and over 1200 paid hours.  Most coaches log less than 5 hours/ week of paid coaching).

I realized that's a theme for me, feeling a disconnect with my ability level (or perceived ability level, by myself and others) and what I'm actually able to do.  After many years of trying to do something and getting in my own way (usually because I've got some fear or resistance hanging me up) I've lost a lot of confidence.  I'm not sure of what I can do anymore.  And as my class is wrapping up, I'm not sure where I want to go with coaching.

Ironically, the one way I want to go right now is painting.  Ironic because painting is not an area that I feel my ability level is high.  High enough, I suppose, to be considered good enough, by art teachers and anyone who doesn't paint at all.  But not as good as my brother.  Not as good as the really great painters in my art classes.  It's not an ability I've really put myself into, to develop, either.  So I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability, yet it's all I want to do right now.  Another form of disconnection - instead of pursuing something I have an obvious talent for, I want to do something I have little talent for.  But the heart wants what the heart wants, and my head's been driving for way too long anyhow.  So I'm going to see if  I can paint some of the vintage style ski posters my husband creates.

It doesn't make sense.  The chances of it becoming a career are very slim.  I'm not even very good.  But it's what I want to do!  And what I really feel right now is that I can't keep putting energy out without energy coming in.  Creating a new business around coaching is a whole lot of energy out.  But painting, and walking outside, and practices like bodytalk and qigong, that's energy in.  So maybe it's not a disconnect.  Maybe it's finally the opposite.  Maybe I'm about to connect with something powerful instead.  Because I'm not worrying about the long term outcome, I'm just listening to what I need to do in the moment.

Neurotic Nation

I've got to pull some stuff together and really outline what this challenge is about (if you noticed, at this point all of my pages like "back story" and "the challenge" are still blank) but it's an overwhelming list for sure.  There's so much stuff you're supposed to be doing, if you listen to all the magazines and doctors, and frankly, your own body.  Here's what I know, just off the top of my head: (Remember, these are things you're supposed to do every day, along with go to your job, spend quality time with your family, cook, clean, and get all your chores and errands done.  Seriously, if you aren't neglecting your children, how can anyone do this unless they're a stay at home parent with kids in school, or single with enough cash?)

• Exercise regularly
• Get 8 hours of sleep at least
• Eat right: unprocessed, organic, healthy fats, lots of greens, not too much meat, dairy, or wheat
• Take your vitamins, especially omega-3s
• Drink 8 oz of water a day
• Meditate or do yoga
• Be grateful: pray or have a gratitude journal
• Do something outside in the fresh air
  

Not to mention if you're healing:

• Do your physical therapy exercises
• Stretch
• See your doctor regularly

Or have a child with some issues:

• Change your life over to gluten and dairy free, etc - seriously, this is hard.  HARD.
• Get them whatever professional support is required
• Be constantly working on ways to help them
• Manage your own feelings around it - powerlessness, anger, burn out, etc

Or want to have a life:

• See your friends, maybe even make some new ones
• Have a date once in a while
• Have people over for a get together
• Enjoy your hobby 
• Take a vacation
• As all moms have experienced , take an unhurried shower in peace

Not to mention social obligations (though we want to do them) :

• Remember friends and family birthdays with thoughtful notes or gifts
• Email or call your friends and family so they know you haven't fallen off the face of the earth
• Make those cupcakes for the bake sale or go to those board meetings or coach that little league team or whatever you've volunteered for

Curious to see if I covered all of them, I flipped through O magazine, and here's what I missed:

• Your finances, making sure you're in line for retirement, your kids college, getting out of debt
• Personal care:  plucking, shaving, dying, buffing, smoothing, conditioning, exfoliating, and styling
• Relationship care: the fire in your marriage, dealing with sticky or hurtful situations

The list could probably go on and on.  The point is, there's so much to do to have a great quality of life that the act of doing them all destroys your most basic quality of life - your sanity.  And sense of peace.  I've never met anyone who doesn't feel guilty about one of these, and most everyone I know makes excuses just to get through. 

The kicker is, a lot of these things we need to do to feel good in our lives.  And we aren't getting to them.  At least I haven't been.  I suspect part of the problem is that we address this list as if it were a to-do list.  Or a pipe dream.  Hopefully this year I discover some other way to do things, that works for me.

Okay, the Challenge

I'm only 17 days behind in getting the challenge in this blog going - not too shabby in my world.  I admit, I may not be the best blogger - too wordy, too many thoughts in one sentence, posts that are too long.  I admire my friend Paige's blog, her short sweet posts that bring humor or sweetness into my day.  Kind of like her.

Anyway.  The challenge.  So far I've been doing it very informally - basically, just following the one key thing:  putting how I live ahead of what I get done, no easy task in my hectic life, where the to do list is constant and demanding.  But already I'm seeing big differences, because I'm not repeatedly pushing my little engine into the red zone.

I now start the day thinking about what would make me feel relaxed and energized in my day instead of mentally cataloging my to-do list.  You could say it's a matter of focus.  I still have to get the same things done.  But my approach is different.  I pay more attention to when I'm pushing myself over my stress threshold, and attend to it immediately. Things that nourish me are taking priority, so I'm on a much more even keel.  And I'm still managing to get things done, because they seem to take less effort.  Intense, demanding deadlines still have the ability to throw me (see my last post!) but my recovery was much faster and more fun. 

On the challenge itself, so far the only changes I've made are :

• Switching from lattes to green tea
• Getting to the gym 2-3 times / week
• Getting outside to soak up nature for walks, skiing, anything 2-3 times / week

My thinking here was that I start with being in my body, moving, and in the world, receiving.  I'm starting with building up my energy, since I was so depleted and energy is the key piece.  Like most mothers, I'm beyond deprived.

Surprisingly, even doing this little bit has made a huge difference.  I think because it boils down to two things:  Getting outside and being aware of my body moving.  No one really talks about it like this, but I think getting outside is the primary way we're programmed to renew our energy and reset ourselves.  There's a lot of talk about getting exercise, but I suspect that's not the key piece.  I suspect the key piece is in just being exposed to the wind, the sun, earth, water, sky.  Doing them both at the same time is even better.  As for the green tea?  I do better without milk, that's for sure, but the biggest benefit might be that it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.

One reason I've been able to do this even under the gun is that I was already prepared to go:  In months (or years!) past, I'd already gotten a gym bag organized with everything I need in it, so that wasn't a step I had to deal with.  I'd set up a membership and gone to the gym enough with this system that it felt natural.  I'd already purchased green tea and had a strainer for it.  I'd just never used it.  So the startup energy to make these changes had already been expended.

The number one thing I've learned when it comes to making changes is that you have to monitor how stressful is the act of making the changes.  Stress created by the change itself is the ultimate derailer. This can be as simple as the self-imposed pressure to do: get to the gym, cut back on sweets, it doesn't matter. Our minds, by nature, resist what creates stress.  Taking the stess-type pressure off is critical.  So starting with things I already had in place, that no longer felt foreign, was key.

So there's 2 things at play here: 1, doing the challenge and 2, more important, doing it not as a checklist, but with a whole new approach.  Because it's the approach, this thing I've dubbed the art of falling backwards, that will make the real difference.  And really, I've taken years to assemble myself for this...this experiment is where I put all the pieces together, and my hypothesis is that it just may change my life, for the way, way, way better.  The carrot is that I don't know at this point exactly how it will be different, just that it will be good.

But I know this.  Getting the same (or darn close) amount of work done, I've had way more quality time with my son, had way more enjoyable moments during the day, there's less tension around tension-causing things with my husband, and I've had a better attitude at my restaurant job.  I may be taking a while to get this blog off the ground, but it's been 17 well spent days so far.

Frenemies

Update:  Challenge 1, Alicia 0

If I were writing a novel right now, the title character would have some major flaw, some reason for you to doubt their ability to wind up with a happily ever after.  You'd see that it wouldn't come easy, and for the most part, it would be their own fault.  Too proud, sorry for themselves, or up against impossible odds - and without fail, they'd do something akin to shooting themselves in the foot.  You'd see their stubbornness, their inability to voice what they feel, the ways they hide, maybe a doormat quality.  Something that when combined with what's admirable in them, winds up allowing you to forgive them, to genuinely like them, to root for them.

Of course, in that novel, at the end of a hundred pages or so, there's transformation.  The title character has become more somehow, in a way that matters.  But this isn't a novel, and while I'm the title character, there's a good chance that my experiment here will wind up little more than a failed and mostly ignored New Year's challenge.  Because this is real life, where over and over again, people don't break out of the track they're on, don't make any real changes in how they think or live their lives.  We love these books because they tell us that it can happen, that in spite of ourselves, we can have moments of grace, peace, happiness.  And sometimes we do.  But when we're actually trying to create change, what are the odds?  How many people actually follow through on resolutions, no matter when they're made?

I did well until Sunday, and then I didn't.  All my worst habits whiplashed back at me, and have all week since.  The deadline looming on Friday's had me back in my old ways, on edge because it's not done yet, focused on my to do list instead of my to live list.  I've been reaching for chocolate and junk food left and right to soothe myself, impatient with my family, ignoring what I know is good for me, surfing the internet - sale shopping but I don't buy anything, distracting myself with solving whatever decorating problem's been bugging me, as if finally getting some juice glasses is going to change anything.  I know I need to be outside, getting some fresh air, but I'm not.  Me, myself, and I?  Turns out we're frenemies, with an infinite capacity for betrayal.

I'll be so embarrassed if this experiment tanks before I even get it off the ground.  I'll feel like once again I overreached myself, once again didn't understand what I'm capable or not capable of.  Mostly, I'll be feeling like WTF, is worrying about payroll liabilities going to be the driving force in my life? 

On the plus side?  I did manage to have green tea instead of a latte today.  Did I mention I'm out of milk?

Holding On

It turns out you can't hold on and fall backwards at the same time.  Tough lesson, especially when what you want to hold onto is your mom.

Change.  You can't prepare for it; you can't brace yourself.  It just hits you.  And suddenly, the life you knew before is over.  Forever.  Sometimes it's good:  Falling in love.  Seeing your baby for the first time.  Stepping down in a new country.  But sometimes it's like a bad accident:  The car stops moving, but we don't.  Instead we keep moving forward, not understanding that things have changed, until we hit the dashboard, the windshield, fly through the air.  Untethered.  Hurt.  We wake up and we don't know where we are, or how we got here.  We know just one thing, with sickening certainty - that we woke up in a different world than the one we woke to yesterday.  The life we had before is gone.

My mom is still alive.  She's in Ketchikan, Alaska for the moment.  She has no permanent address.  I got a letter that begins, 'Dear Family' - she's afraid to write any names.  I don't know if it's because she's afraid the wrong eyes will see the card, or she's afraid that the card will arrive in a reality where her daughter's name is not Alicia.  My mom's alive.  Sometimes we don't know where she is for too many months and we try to staunch the panic that rises, that spreads through my sisters and I like a virus.  No matter what our heads say, or what our hearts say, we get scared.

But thankfully, she's still here, still fundamentally herself.  Funny, sweet, kind, opinionated.  I lost her anyway.  A long time ago.   I can't even say exactly when, but there it is.  I lost her, I pushed her away, I wanted her back, but it would never be the same.  And now she lives in another Universe - like an exlover, out there in the world but no longer in my world - and there's no telling what will happen.  I think I've given up that she'll ever rejoin my world, a world where she can be present with her grandson, really engage with him or pay real attention to what he says.  Or to me, and what I say.  She's ghost grandma; I buy presents for him at Christmas and his birthday, from her, so he knows she loves him.  Because she does.  I've never doubted that.  But I can't say if he'll ever have, however brief, a moment of real connection with her.  In ways I can't explain, she's gone.  But still I hold on.

What would letting go look like?  There was no goodbye, there's no headstone to visit.  I can still write her letters, and she will read them.  But I have such a hard time doing so; it stirs a pot inside myself I'd sooner leave be.  Holding on is as hard as letting go.  The thing is, I miss her.  I need her.  I don't understand, in the very core of me, why she left me.  I mean, I get it in my head. I can even be philosophical about it.   But everywhere else, I just ache.  I want my mom back.

How do you go on without your mom, or your husband, or your child?  How does anybody?  Don't answer me.  I don't care about grief and faith and the human spirit right now.   I just want to know how it is that life can do that, that it can change so suddenly and with such finality.  I want to know how that's even possible, on some subatomic level.  Because I have woken up to that;  I have woken up and realized I was not dreaming, that how I felt would stretch out before me indefinitely, that nothing would ever be the same.  And I have felt that it is wrong.  I have felt lost.  I have felt blown apart.

But it is possible.  It's even probable.  Sooner or later, harshly or softly, tragedy impacts everyone.  My mom loved me.  My mom left me.  I'm guessing that under the schizophrenia, she didn't want to.  When I look at how desperately I want to always be there for my son, I can't imagine that she would choose to leave.  Does it help to know this?  I don't know.

Have you ever seen that Tom Cruise movie, Vanilla Sky?  I'd forgotten about it, but it just popped back into my head, the scene at the end where he chooses to start his new life, and falls backwards off the top of the skyscraper.  I'm gathering all of this to my chest - all the questions, all the feelings, how much I love her, how much I miss her, how safe and warm and comforting it felt to be near her back then, how on edge I feel around her now, and stepping off, letting go of something else.  The idea that it could be any other way.  The idea that any other life existed, or could exist.  I'm not in prison.  Where I am now is not a place to be endured by visiting what I once knew.  My life feels strange and uncertain and still, even 20 years later, a brave new world.

But the answer, I finally understand, is not to right my life, to create some place of peace and security and fun.  I've been trying for 20 years and it seems like in response life has been determined, in numerous small ways, to stymie me.  To show me that it's not the answer.  I can't tell you exactly what the answer is, right now.  But it starts with holding everything I am, and everything I feel, as sacred.  Taking it with me as I step out on what still sometimes feels like foreign soil.  Hold my hand up to shade my eyes from the sun as I look around, take stock, feel the tingle of a new landscape before me.  My life, in this moment, on this day.

Gym Rats

The challenge is fresh!  Off to the gym!  There I was, 4 days after New Year's, in a Qwik Core class with 50 other well-intentioned folks (it seemed like 50, anyway, some obvious devotees and others, well....more like me) when it occurred to me that I just might be in one of Dante's levels of hell.  Under bright florescent lights with a whole lot of sweaty strangers, club music blaring (it was 8:45am), the clip of the instructor's voice booming over her mike in a quick 8-7-6-5-4-and-eight-more! staccato, I felt physically assaulted.  Literally.  Bombarded by noise, and light, and frantic energy.  Even worse, as soon as I decided what I was feeling, I decided I was old.  What happened to the days where some part of me rose up through the reluctance and got, well, into it?

The whole point of taking the class, of being at the gym, was to be more in my body, which I love, and miss.  To be stronger, more fit, feeling better.  As I lay on the mat in the booming room (I'm pretty sure the floor was moving to the beat) I realized I'd confused being old with being tired.  Why put myself through this hell one second longer?  What was the cost of whipping my abs into shape?

I fled the class and went up to the Pilates area, with it's low lights and mats, where I just stretched, and breathed, and relaxed.  And surprise, a few minutes later, I actually wanted to get on the elliptical machine and sweat a little.  And lo and behold, 8 minutes into jogging away, it happened:  An old song came on, something I used to run to in college, and the joy bubbled up.  It felt good to be moving hard, breathing hard, lungs tight.  It felt more than good.  It felt amazing.  For about 2 minutes, I had the joy back.  For 2 minutes, the fatigue fell away.  I looked out the window at the Bridger Mountains, thought about skiing, and worked my butt off.  For a girl who 3 years ago, couldn't do anything intense enough to work up a sweat without searing pain in my back, it was like a promise.

From now on, there's no agenda at the gym for me.  I've always felt so much pressure to do something at the gym, to work out hard, to make it count; even when all I could do was physical therapy exercises.  And being too exhausted to make it to the gym a certain number of times each week (one? two? - it's not like I was trying to get there everyday, even) just made me feel guilty.  Of course, I have an extra 10 pounds as a result, plus the fact that the 70 year old man on the elliptical next to me this morning showed me up bigtime.  That plan - the same gym plan everyone I know is on - doesn't work for me.  Not in the big picture.  But still, I want to be strong.  I want to feel strong.  What to do?

Something different.  For this year, I'm just going to focus on getting into the gym, only when my body wants to go (lately it likes to go when I'm stiff and creaky).  Once I'm there I'll let my body tell me what it wants to do, and I don't care what it is. I don't care if I do nothing more than stretch.  If I'm going to live in my body, I'm going to start with listening to it.  Of course, I still don't have the time - that hasn't changed.  But I'm going to shake up my idea of what needs to get done in a day.  I'm going to make the things that feed my soul come first, and just see if the whole juggling act I call my life comes crashing down as a result.  Because maybe it won't.  Maybe I'll wind up more energized and happier.  Maybe falling backwards will be the best thing that ever happened to me.  What if I actually get stronger and leaner with this approach than I have in the past, pushing myself?  Wouldn't that be a kick?

God and Children

My son Mikey (age 5), as he's being tucked in at bedtime, likes to tell me about things that happened during the day, exciting things and things that trouble him.  And of course, the great existential questions I've barely answered for myself, nevermind be able to explain to a preschooler.  Last night he asked me, out of the blue, about God:

He's everywhere?
Yes, everywhere.
Inside your eyeball?
Yes, in my eyeball.
(We laugh)
What about my toys?  In there?
Yup.
In outer space?
Yup.
 Even where there's no air?
(I'd told him God is everywhere but you can't see him, just like air)
Was God ever a kid?
No, God is just God.  God is the love that's inside everything.
(He pauses)
Did God make everything?
Yes.
(He thinks for a moment)
God made spiders that bite and mean things?
(His lower lip begins to tremble.  Things have taken a sudden and grave turn.  How do I even begin to answer that?)
Yes, honey, even spiders and mean things.
God makes mean things?  He does? 
(His eyes begin to fill with tears.  This sudden sensitivity, this sweetness, catches me off guard.  I want to gather him up and love away whatever's taken hold in his heart.  But his honesty and transparency catch me, ask me to respond in kind.  I feel unprepared.  What can I say, to a 5 year old, to my son?)
God makes everything. Spiders are scared of us too.  Sometimes people step on them.
I don't!
I know, sweetie, but God gives us all choices.  He's inside everything, but he gives everything the choice of how to act.  Just like you choose to not step on the spiders.
Oh.
(He snuggles up to me, and that is the end of that, for now.)

It's that age old question, Why does God let Bad Things happen?  How is it that a five year old, with the haziest understanding of what God is, already grasps the greater implications of what it means to be a force that's part of everything?