I originally thought this would just be a year's challenge - I didn't know if I would even make it out of the gate, or what I would learn along the way, or what I would have of value at the end. At the end of a year, I feel I've been given a glimpse of a secret, that something wondrous lies further down the path.
If last year was to begin the art of falling backwards, this coming year is to see what happens as a result of having transitioned, of living differently, and of continuing to transition on an even deeper level. What happens now that I've been meditating for several months? What more do I know about how to live, and what does it mean? In what ways will I be going deeper, learning more?
I'm recommitting to falling backwards in this new year. I want to maintain the practice of my challenge - to strengthen and connect, to balance, heal, & transform - and see what happens in a second year, when I have some momentum. To following my enthusiasm, whatever it is, and see where it leads me. To embracing the uncertainty and the journey - enjoying my curiosity and passion for it, trusting that if I pay attention, each new piece will appear as I need it.
I've been thinking about having a soul's Purpose - what I'm giving from my soul, in small and large ways,
what I want to give more of, and how / in what ways doing so will
provide for my needs and the needs of my family. And is it even
something I need to think about, or will it come about naturally?
I've learned that when I speak of falling backwards I'm talking about a shift in my way of being in the world - literally, breaking the habit of how I show up in my life and building new ones. Not just lifestyle habits, but personality habits as well.
Passion, purpose, joy, connection...what will happen as I continue to focus on a life built around these things?
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Thoughts about my Challenge after Year One
These are the questions I've put to myself, at the end of my year's challenge:
1. How has doing this challenge changed my life, in some measurable way?
I am healthier, less run down. I am physically stronger...able to do more in the gym, and enjoying being inside my body more. My back is better. I am happier moment to moment, and have more moments in my days that are infused with a sense of wonder. The only job I have right now is at the Stockyard Cafe, and I'm doing it in a very limited fashion, and the time I spend there makes me happy. It is a happy place, a little piece of heaven here on earth. It is the expression of a person (the owner) in a place in a time, and we all meet her there. She fills a need in the human soul and of the human body (it's a cafe, after all), and to be there is to be nourished. I am measuring my life in moments of peace, connection, bliss, happiness, a feeling that all is right. You cannot summon these moments; they come of their own accord, and what I can measure is how often they are happening, and how good they are making me feel. I think there's more to it; but this is a good start. I would never go back. This experiment was not a bust. It has been, instead, the beginning step in the life I want to live.
"Do what amuses you" is a piece of advice I heard, and it seems to be the best advice I've ever heard when it comes to what to do with yourself. I feel stronger in my heart, in my sense of self. I am more at peace. My marriage is stronger, my friendships more authentic. In a specific, measurable way, I can only say that I'm happier, less stressed, more able to tell you what I want from life.
Right now I feel I've made feeling good in my life, enjoying my days, building my relationships the highest priority in my life. I seem to be operating under the belief that I can't do this and make money at the same time. Maybe that's true. Maybe I needed a reprieve, no matter the cost. Has there been a big cost? I don't know. Have I been operating in lala land, not reality? I don't think so, but again, I don't know. I only know that I've been getting the break I've needed, the nourishment I've needed, the support I've needed. Where does my financial situation play into this? How much control do I need to exert over my circumstances? Can you really make a living operating from this point of view? Finding out is ahead of me.
2. Where am in terms of purpose, passion, joy & connection?
I still don't know what I think my purpose is...that thing I can sink my teeth into, the thing that is my contribution to the world, the way the Stockyard Cafe is my friend Christine's contribution. Not that there's only one contribution or even just one way to contribute. But something that's like a song in our soul that becomes amplified and resonates with other people, nourishing them somehow. I have this idea that this is how I should make my money and receive what I need from the world. Is this true? Or can I contribute in one way, and receive in another?
I want to find a definition of one's purpose that encompasses everything I think about it, how I want to approach it. It seems like one of those terms that's never defined because we all think we get it. Dismiss it, even, as being too obvious, too new age, too reaching, too something. This past year, I've approached it as some kind of Holy Grail, an answer to a yearning I've felt to make my way in this world and provide for myself and my family in a way that makes my soul sing. It's felt beyond me, but that might just be where I was in this journey.
It's funny that I put passion in my original thoughts about Falling Backwards. It's not something I've spent any time thinking about until recently. But I understand that it's always been central to me; I've steered away from anything that seemed to lack it. I don't know if it's at my core, or everyone's core, but I know that I want a life full of it. Not in a get-swept-away-in-the-moment exciting kind of passion, but the passion of being fully alive, fully present, fully interested, fully engaged. I have been following the thread of passion without knowing it, pushing away from what deflates me and embracing what brings life and energy to me. I think I'm living a life with a lot of passion in it at the moment, but I still haven't fully stepped into it, and am still fraught with the worries of not making enough money. I'll be trying to go deeper with this in the coming year's challenge.
Joy. I know more joy. I know more of what brings me joy. I know what takes away my joy. I have seen a glimpse, but this is the beginning of my journey. Joy is a sign you're doing something right.
Connection. This, I've come to believe, is the heart of the matter. I can't really tell you more than this, except that it's a big part of what I'll be exploring this next year. Connection to myself, the world and universe around me, connection to other people, to animals. I want to say that we find redemption in connection, but I don't even know what it means to say that. Connection is sacred and profound and somehow the key.
3. How much better do I know myself, and what I want for my life? How much closer am I to getting it?
Wow. Almost every day for the last 3 months, on the advice of Deepak Chopra, I've taken 5 minutes to meditate on the questions of who I am, what I want for my life, and what I want from my life today. I don't know if I know myself much better, but my thoughts about myself are much clearer. And I understand much more about what I want for my life. Doing this exercise allowed my to get past the top layer of what I want and really explore what's deeper, closer to my heart and my soul. I want more than I ever knew; I see the connections in what I want in ways I never have. And that's without yet going back to reread my thoughts each day after meditating. I'm excited to continue this practice as part of understanding what I want to do here on this earth, on both a daily and overarching level. I am closer to getting it, in the sense that each day I've done this practice, I've been more aligned with what I really want. I have had a better, more fulfilling year than I ever have since early childhood. And I sense that my harvest is young; that it's a first year harvest, that each year has the potential to be more abundant, like a garden that's coming back with more maturity, with stronger, deeper roots.
4. What are the new pieces on the challenge list, or do I simply keep up with the list and go deeper?
My main focus for the second year of my challenge will be to maintain and deepen what I've begun. I think it's a good list, with everything that's needed for a good and fulfilling life. This coming year will be an exploration of these things as I continue with them. Some things I have not accomplished as well as I hoped for the first year: how I eat, an issue with my bladder. But I think they go back to balancing, healing, and transforming. So I'm identifying them as areas of special interest this year, areas where I've had resistance, run out of steam. Integrating them is an important piece of the year's challenge. As I do so, I suspect I'll come up against things in myself that are asking to be addressed.
Deepening connections, and sussing out what I want to do here and if / how I can provide for myself in alignment with this way of viewing life and the world are the other big pieces.
Not as part of my challenge, but as part of the journey, I'll be exploring the impact my thoughts have on my life. Perhaps I will add in to the challenge my relationship with my thoughts, but for now I'm allowing my thoughts to be expressions of what's going on in this experiment and simply observing them.
The one new piece I'm going to add is Receiving - receiving forgiveness, receiving love, receiving abundance, and whatever else is out there to receive.
So, the pieces I'll be integrating next are:
5. When I look at the paragraph I wrote that heads up the blog ("It began with the desire to have less fear and more joy..."), where do I stand with those things?
Living inside the present moment means being aware of the conflicts that arise within us, I've learned. And I am doing it, living this life fully and with joie de vivre, warts and worries and all. I still have much I can do, to live even more that way, and I still have moments when I lapse into my old habits of thinking. I'm realigning what my mind focuses on, as a side effect of the tasks in my challenge.
My question going forward is, will this way of living - of falling backwards - lead my to material as well as soul prosperity? Is it possible to also meet my needs, in this circuitous and happy way? I feel that there are people out there for whom this has happened -- can I be one of them? Can we all? Is there any limit to achieving and receiving what we truly want? I mean, it all sounds good in theory, but can it happen in reality? Some people say so...I guess what I'm really asking, is can it truly happen for me?
6. What has the movement been? How have I experienced a shift? How am I and my life different?
It seems I'm living more on a heart and soul level. I've shifted the driver in my life from my head to my heart, and measure my success not in my pocketbook or my security, but in my ability to embrace uncertainty and how I feel in any given moment. I've quit trying to get to peace, contentment, and fulfillment through security and instead am going straight for them. I am beginning to connect to the people I care about on a different level, and the relationships that really mean something to me are responding in powerful ways. Other relationships are experiencing schisms that have been difficult to understand or accept, but when I let them be, I find they're resetting themselves naturally. I simply don't have to work that hard at it.
What I have had to work hard at are the habits of my mind and body. The challenge and the work has come down to seeing and resetting what isn't serving me, and that has brought about everything the word 'challenge' implies. Habits of thinking, of being, of relating. We tend to think that who we are is the habits that we are; this is simply not true. Who we are is our most authentic, most soul deep, point of view and expression of ourselves. It is not what we think; it's not how we act; it's what we love, and what we love to do. When what we think and how we act reflect what we love, we're getting somewhere. And when we are able to see our fear and feel our fear and thank our fear for watching out for us and then do what we love, we have real power. At least that's what I believe right now. We'll see what this next year brings, and how it affects me, my thoughts, my beliefs, and ultimately, my life. (Yay!)
1. How has doing this challenge changed my life, in some measurable way?
I am healthier, less run down. I am physically stronger...able to do more in the gym, and enjoying being inside my body more. My back is better. I am happier moment to moment, and have more moments in my days that are infused with a sense of wonder. The only job I have right now is at the Stockyard Cafe, and I'm doing it in a very limited fashion, and the time I spend there makes me happy. It is a happy place, a little piece of heaven here on earth. It is the expression of a person (the owner) in a place in a time, and we all meet her there. She fills a need in the human soul and of the human body (it's a cafe, after all), and to be there is to be nourished. I am measuring my life in moments of peace, connection, bliss, happiness, a feeling that all is right. You cannot summon these moments; they come of their own accord, and what I can measure is how often they are happening, and how good they are making me feel. I think there's more to it; but this is a good start. I would never go back. This experiment was not a bust. It has been, instead, the beginning step in the life I want to live.
"Do what amuses you" is a piece of advice I heard, and it seems to be the best advice I've ever heard when it comes to what to do with yourself. I feel stronger in my heart, in my sense of self. I am more at peace. My marriage is stronger, my friendships more authentic. In a specific, measurable way, I can only say that I'm happier, less stressed, more able to tell you what I want from life.
Right now I feel I've made feeling good in my life, enjoying my days, building my relationships the highest priority in my life. I seem to be operating under the belief that I can't do this and make money at the same time. Maybe that's true. Maybe I needed a reprieve, no matter the cost. Has there been a big cost? I don't know. Have I been operating in lala land, not reality? I don't think so, but again, I don't know. I only know that I've been getting the break I've needed, the nourishment I've needed, the support I've needed. Where does my financial situation play into this? How much control do I need to exert over my circumstances? Can you really make a living operating from this point of view? Finding out is ahead of me.
2. Where am in terms of purpose, passion, joy & connection?
I still don't know what I think my purpose is...that thing I can sink my teeth into, the thing that is my contribution to the world, the way the Stockyard Cafe is my friend Christine's contribution. Not that there's only one contribution or even just one way to contribute. But something that's like a song in our soul that becomes amplified and resonates with other people, nourishing them somehow. I have this idea that this is how I should make my money and receive what I need from the world. Is this true? Or can I contribute in one way, and receive in another?
I want to find a definition of one's purpose that encompasses everything I think about it, how I want to approach it. It seems like one of those terms that's never defined because we all think we get it. Dismiss it, even, as being too obvious, too new age, too reaching, too something. This past year, I've approached it as some kind of Holy Grail, an answer to a yearning I've felt to make my way in this world and provide for myself and my family in a way that makes my soul sing. It's felt beyond me, but that might just be where I was in this journey.
It's funny that I put passion in my original thoughts about Falling Backwards. It's not something I've spent any time thinking about until recently. But I understand that it's always been central to me; I've steered away from anything that seemed to lack it. I don't know if it's at my core, or everyone's core, but I know that I want a life full of it. Not in a get-swept-away-in-the-moment exciting kind of passion, but the passion of being fully alive, fully present, fully interested, fully engaged. I have been following the thread of passion without knowing it, pushing away from what deflates me and embracing what brings life and energy to me. I think I'm living a life with a lot of passion in it at the moment, but I still haven't fully stepped into it, and am still fraught with the worries of not making enough money. I'll be trying to go deeper with this in the coming year's challenge.
Joy. I know more joy. I know more of what brings me joy. I know what takes away my joy. I have seen a glimpse, but this is the beginning of my journey. Joy is a sign you're doing something right.
Connection. This, I've come to believe, is the heart of the matter. I can't really tell you more than this, except that it's a big part of what I'll be exploring this next year. Connection to myself, the world and universe around me, connection to other people, to animals. I want to say that we find redemption in connection, but I don't even know what it means to say that. Connection is sacred and profound and somehow the key.
3. How much better do I know myself, and what I want for my life? How much closer am I to getting it?
Wow. Almost every day for the last 3 months, on the advice of Deepak Chopra, I've taken 5 minutes to meditate on the questions of who I am, what I want for my life, and what I want from my life today. I don't know if I know myself much better, but my thoughts about myself are much clearer. And I understand much more about what I want for my life. Doing this exercise allowed my to get past the top layer of what I want and really explore what's deeper, closer to my heart and my soul. I want more than I ever knew; I see the connections in what I want in ways I never have. And that's without yet going back to reread my thoughts each day after meditating. I'm excited to continue this practice as part of understanding what I want to do here on this earth, on both a daily and overarching level. I am closer to getting it, in the sense that each day I've done this practice, I've been more aligned with what I really want. I have had a better, more fulfilling year than I ever have since early childhood. And I sense that my harvest is young; that it's a first year harvest, that each year has the potential to be more abundant, like a garden that's coming back with more maturity, with stronger, deeper roots.
4. What are the new pieces on the challenge list, or do I simply keep up with the list and go deeper?
My main focus for the second year of my challenge will be to maintain and deepen what I've begun. I think it's a good list, with everything that's needed for a good and fulfilling life. This coming year will be an exploration of these things as I continue with them. Some things I have not accomplished as well as I hoped for the first year: how I eat, an issue with my bladder. But I think they go back to balancing, healing, and transforming. So I'm identifying them as areas of special interest this year, areas where I've had resistance, run out of steam. Integrating them is an important piece of the year's challenge. As I do so, I suspect I'll come up against things in myself that are asking to be addressed.
Deepening connections, and sussing out what I want to do here and if / how I can provide for myself in alignment with this way of viewing life and the world are the other big pieces.
Not as part of my challenge, but as part of the journey, I'll be exploring the impact my thoughts have on my life. Perhaps I will add in to the challenge my relationship with my thoughts, but for now I'm allowing my thoughts to be expressions of what's going on in this experiment and simply observing them.
The one new piece I'm going to add is Receiving - receiving forgiveness, receiving love, receiving abundance, and whatever else is out there to receive.
So, the pieces I'll be integrating next are:
- Continuing and deepening what I'm already doing
- Eating well
- Balancing my mind and body
- Connecting
- Receiving
- Purpose - what I'm giving from my soul, in small and large ways, what I want to give more of, and how / in what ways doing so will provide for my needs and the needs of my family. Ad is it even something I need to think about, or will it come about naturally?
5. When I look at the paragraph I wrote that heads up the blog ("It began with the desire to have less fear and more joy..."), where do I stand with those things?
Living inside the present moment means being aware of the conflicts that arise within us, I've learned. And I am doing it, living this life fully and with joie de vivre, warts and worries and all. I still have much I can do, to live even more that way, and I still have moments when I lapse into my old habits of thinking. I'm realigning what my mind focuses on, as a side effect of the tasks in my challenge.
My question going forward is, will this way of living - of falling backwards - lead my to material as well as soul prosperity? Is it possible to also meet my needs, in this circuitous and happy way? I feel that there are people out there for whom this has happened -- can I be one of them? Can we all? Is there any limit to achieving and receiving what we truly want? I mean, it all sounds good in theory, but can it happen in reality? Some people say so...I guess what I'm really asking, is can it truly happen for me?
6. What has the movement been? How have I experienced a shift? How am I and my life different?
It seems I'm living more on a heart and soul level. I've shifted the driver in my life from my head to my heart, and measure my success not in my pocketbook or my security, but in my ability to embrace uncertainty and how I feel in any given moment. I've quit trying to get to peace, contentment, and fulfillment through security and instead am going straight for them. I am beginning to connect to the people I care about on a different level, and the relationships that really mean something to me are responding in powerful ways. Other relationships are experiencing schisms that have been difficult to understand or accept, but when I let them be, I find they're resetting themselves naturally. I simply don't have to work that hard at it.
What I have had to work hard at are the habits of my mind and body. The challenge and the work has come down to seeing and resetting what isn't serving me, and that has brought about everything the word 'challenge' implies. Habits of thinking, of being, of relating. We tend to think that who we are is the habits that we are; this is simply not true. Who we are is our most authentic, most soul deep, point of view and expression of ourselves. It is not what we think; it's not how we act; it's what we love, and what we love to do. When what we think and how we act reflect what we love, we're getting somewhere. And when we are able to see our fear and feel our fear and thank our fear for watching out for us and then do what we love, we have real power. At least that's what I believe right now. We'll see what this next year brings, and how it affects me, my thoughts, my beliefs, and ultimately, my life. (Yay!)
Robots Love Pie
My son created a slogan, which in my mind, is pure poetry. "Robots love pie". Incongruous, and perfect, to a pie lover like me. I love the absurdity of it. I can't tell you what truth resides in this little saying, but there's truth there. And magic. I can feel it. From the mouth of kindergarteners. Ignore the pint sized sages at your own risk!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Fear & Loathing
The essence of conflict is two or more points of view that appear irreconcilable, or that bring up questions for us that we don't know how to answer. It's difficult, I think, to sort through everything you feel and then see your way through it to what you really want. For instance, leaving your job (and the security it provides to you and your loved ones) to follow your dreams, or even find out what your dreams are, creates conflict in everyone I've ever known.
And many people I know, including myself until recently, respond by believing that being comfortable and safe trumps all. (My need for security turned up after I had a child) If they can't see how following their dreams will allow them to continue as they've become accustomed, they'll abandon it. But are the people who settle, in the end, comfortable or safe? Some may be. But others -- they might have nice houses, but they have health problems, or marriage problems, or problems with their kids or addictions, or feel a sense of lack they can't define. All signs of conflict.
So how do you know which side of yourself to listen to? How do you set a course of action when you are being pulled in multiple directions? And how do you find some peace and equanimity in your choice?
This is what I'm exploring.
By default, we often listen to the voice of fear, the part of ourselves that makes sure we are secure, safe, and staying alive. It is a LOUD and INSISTENT voice, a feeling that floods our body, a form of extreme stress. It is beyond uncomfortable to violate whatever boundary we have around our safety, and the beliefs that underlay our point of view. But our heroes, the stuff of stories and legend, are those who seem immune. We yearn to shed the fear and do the things that feel great and wondrous to us, or at the very least we want to hear stories about them.
Our society today spends so much time reassuring people that the choice they've made is the right one: Of course you both have to work, your kids will grow up fine; of course you had to leave, that marriage wasn't working; of course you are managing the stress of living paycheck to paycheck on a combined income over $100K, it's fine to believe that smartphones, cable TV, nice cars, a house we feel is respectable enough, and a yearly trip to the family vacation spot are actually needs. (Even if we know they're not, we would never cut them out in order to quit living paycheck to paycheck and alleviate our stress.)
The rub is, none of us, not a single one, know the truth of these statements for another person. In your own life, you are the only one who can ultimately discern whether these statements are supportive (your spouse died and you have no choice but to work, or the work you do is a true soul's calling, or your child is better off all day in an institution / school than with you) or simply reinforce your justification of the choice you've made.
I've come to believe our health and happiness depends on our personal ability to find our way through our conflicted feelings, to understand where fear (and loathing) are guiding our actions, and where we are living from the soul. There is a right and wrong answer, but only we can find it for ourselves, and we can only find it if we're willing to look past our fear of not having enough, or not being enough.
Understanding this, while critical, is just the first piece. We have to find a way to reconcile these opposing feelings, to acknowledge what isn't working for us and find a solution that gives us what we ultimately truly want. It is okay to need a certain level of security. It's natural. And our fear lets us know, sometimes wisely, that we're pushing a personal limit. But why do we allow this fear to derail our deepest desires in the process? I'm going to assert, at this point in my journey, that the solution is there: That is the Universe's / God's promise to us. The creativity, the uncertainty, that gives birth to possibility -- in this lies the promise. We doubt it, but it's there, if we are willing to let go of how we've always thought and done and go find it.
This is coming to a head for me right now. There are things about my finances that simply aren't working for me. The pressure to go against what I feel is right for myself and my family right now and make more money is enormous. It comes from my fear. It also comes from not having the relationship that I want with money and our finances.
In the past, I succumbed to that fear and found a way to make money, which added stress to my life. Now I'm faced with that same fear again but want to do things differently. I don't know what will happen. But I've stepped outside the pattern, put words to my fears, know that faith or reaction alone isn't the answer. Something in my life isn't working, but I don't have to follow the same old tired way of solving it. This time, I'm finding something new to bring to the table. I started with a conversation with my husband about how the situation is making me feel, and a commitment to work together in our finances. It sounds small, but it feels monumental, so I know I'm on to something.
While the distance between need and greed may be debatable, we all want to live in a sense of abundance. We want to have more than we need; to be able to be generous, to share our bounty, and to feel bounty in our lives. Don't we deserve to? This is not a sarcastic comment. Don't we all deserve to? Isn't it our birthright on this planet to create a life of abundance?
In my mind, this is the crux of it. We know we deserve that abundance, but we've become confused about how to get it. Fear is in control, in the form of the need to pay the bills, so it colors how we think abundance can be achieved.
What is the role that our society should play around these questions of how we live our lives? It's not what we do -- work or not work when there are children who need us, stay or leave a marriage, buy the things we want -- it's what behind it. I believe it does us no service to blindly reassure each other that we're making the right choices, because it's the drive behind the choices, the way we see our choices and our lives, the understanding of ourselves and what we're here to do that's so critical. We can't afford to be lost but not know it. We can't afford to not challenge each other, to seek the truth of where our choices come from and hold that mirror up for each other, with compassion and support.
Thoughts about this are not the same as answers, I know. But very simply, I recognize that there is a conflict in me between my need to survive and my need to thrive. There has to be a way to reconcile them, by identifying what I truly want and need, and finding creative ways to both support that and survive. To be creative requires a willingness to go deep into the unknown, because that is the birthplace of what's possible. And that takes faith, connection, gratitude, and grace.
As I read back over the last paragraph, it seems like finding a creative solution is a no-brainer, and nothing we haven't heard before, I know. But if it was that clear, and that obvious, people would do it all the time. We don't see that these conflicts within us can be reconciled, so we have come to believe that it's normal to struggle with the conflicts that come in turn, and that to be supportive is to commiserate with the effects of choices that aren't working for us, as if there's no other way but to endure. We see settling as obvious.
I'm on a new path, one that's much less traveled.
I'll let you know how it goes...
And many people I know, including myself until recently, respond by believing that being comfortable and safe trumps all. (My need for security turned up after I had a child) If they can't see how following their dreams will allow them to continue as they've become accustomed, they'll abandon it. But are the people who settle, in the end, comfortable or safe? Some may be. But others -- they might have nice houses, but they have health problems, or marriage problems, or problems with their kids or addictions, or feel a sense of lack they can't define. All signs of conflict.
So how do you know which side of yourself to listen to? How do you set a course of action when you are being pulled in multiple directions? And how do you find some peace and equanimity in your choice?
This is what I'm exploring.
By default, we often listen to the voice of fear, the part of ourselves that makes sure we are secure, safe, and staying alive. It is a LOUD and INSISTENT voice, a feeling that floods our body, a form of extreme stress. It is beyond uncomfortable to violate whatever boundary we have around our safety, and the beliefs that underlay our point of view. But our heroes, the stuff of stories and legend, are those who seem immune. We yearn to shed the fear and do the things that feel great and wondrous to us, or at the very least we want to hear stories about them.
Our society today spends so much time reassuring people that the choice they've made is the right one: Of course you both have to work, your kids will grow up fine; of course you had to leave, that marriage wasn't working; of course you are managing the stress of living paycheck to paycheck on a combined income over $100K, it's fine to believe that smartphones, cable TV, nice cars, a house we feel is respectable enough, and a yearly trip to the family vacation spot are actually needs. (Even if we know they're not, we would never cut them out in order to quit living paycheck to paycheck and alleviate our stress.)
The rub is, none of us, not a single one, know the truth of these statements for another person. In your own life, you are the only one who can ultimately discern whether these statements are supportive (your spouse died and you have no choice but to work, or the work you do is a true soul's calling, or your child is better off all day in an institution / school than with you) or simply reinforce your justification of the choice you've made.
I've come to believe our health and happiness depends on our personal ability to find our way through our conflicted feelings, to understand where fear (and loathing) are guiding our actions, and where we are living from the soul. There is a right and wrong answer, but only we can find it for ourselves, and we can only find it if we're willing to look past our fear of not having enough, or not being enough.
Understanding this, while critical, is just the first piece. We have to find a way to reconcile these opposing feelings, to acknowledge what isn't working for us and find a solution that gives us what we ultimately truly want. It is okay to need a certain level of security. It's natural. And our fear lets us know, sometimes wisely, that we're pushing a personal limit. But why do we allow this fear to derail our deepest desires in the process? I'm going to assert, at this point in my journey, that the solution is there: That is the Universe's / God's promise to us. The creativity, the uncertainty, that gives birth to possibility -- in this lies the promise. We doubt it, but it's there, if we are willing to let go of how we've always thought and done and go find it.
This is coming to a head for me right now. There are things about my finances that simply aren't working for me. The pressure to go against what I feel is right for myself and my family right now and make more money is enormous. It comes from my fear. It also comes from not having the relationship that I want with money and our finances.
In the past, I succumbed to that fear and found a way to make money, which added stress to my life. Now I'm faced with that same fear again but want to do things differently. I don't know what will happen. But I've stepped outside the pattern, put words to my fears, know that faith or reaction alone isn't the answer. Something in my life isn't working, but I don't have to follow the same old tired way of solving it. This time, I'm finding something new to bring to the table. I started with a conversation with my husband about how the situation is making me feel, and a commitment to work together in our finances. It sounds small, but it feels monumental, so I know I'm on to something.
While the distance between need and greed may be debatable, we all want to live in a sense of abundance. We want to have more than we need; to be able to be generous, to share our bounty, and to feel bounty in our lives. Don't we deserve to? This is not a sarcastic comment. Don't we all deserve to? Isn't it our birthright on this planet to create a life of abundance?
In my mind, this is the crux of it. We know we deserve that abundance, but we've become confused about how to get it. Fear is in control, in the form of the need to pay the bills, so it colors how we think abundance can be achieved.
What is the role that our society should play around these questions of how we live our lives? It's not what we do -- work or not work when there are children who need us, stay or leave a marriage, buy the things we want -- it's what behind it. I believe it does us no service to blindly reassure each other that we're making the right choices, because it's the drive behind the choices, the way we see our choices and our lives, the understanding of ourselves and what we're here to do that's so critical. We can't afford to be lost but not know it. We can't afford to not challenge each other, to seek the truth of where our choices come from and hold that mirror up for each other, with compassion and support.
Thoughts about this are not the same as answers, I know. But very simply, I recognize that there is a conflict in me between my need to survive and my need to thrive. There has to be a way to reconcile them, by identifying what I truly want and need, and finding creative ways to both support that and survive. To be creative requires a willingness to go deep into the unknown, because that is the birthplace of what's possible. And that takes faith, connection, gratitude, and grace.
As I read back over the last paragraph, it seems like finding a creative solution is a no-brainer, and nothing we haven't heard before, I know. But if it was that clear, and that obvious, people would do it all the time. We don't see that these conflicts within us can be reconciled, so we have come to believe that it's normal to struggle with the conflicts that come in turn, and that to be supportive is to commiserate with the effects of choices that aren't working for us, as if there's no other way but to endure. We see settling as obvious.
I'm on a new path, one that's much less traveled.
I'll let you know how it goes...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)