Month 4 Challenge Update

If, as I claimed last month, I'm aligned with the seasons, then April was a fitting month.  It rained.  As my good friend Colee commiserated, When it rains, it pours.  And it poured.

First I should start with my accomplishments.  I got a lot done, and I did it while keeping my priorities straight.  You know the story about putting the big rocks in first, so everything else will fit?  I did, and it worked, but somehow the little rocks all decided to squawk and become big too.  More than anything, I feel like I worked really hard in April and am hoping like hell that all those showers I trucked through produce some May flowers. (Seriously, life!!!)

Almost five hundred dollars later, I'm happy to announce my physical therapist was most likely worth it.  Now it's up to me to take what I learned and do it.  The good news is, I should be seeing huge differences in the next 12 weeks.  I'm now only going once a month, instead of once a week, with a set workout routine.  Just not having to make the constant adjustments to my gym routine is a huge relief.  With any luck, helping my back heal gets to go on autopilot for a while.

I was a rockstar about attending to my health - yay I have no cavities, boo I am now officially of the age where I have to be serious every day about taking care of my gums.  I had a health panel done - yay I did it - boo both my thyroid, kidneys, and triglycerides need attention.  I got a reference for a good doctor and talked to my bodytalk practitioner.  Grumpily, I'm adding that to my May to do list.  I just keep trying to remember that I'll be much happier- and healthier - when those are done.  Despite reassurances from my friend Holly, an ER doctor, I'm still worried.

I'm on deadline for some financial stuff I've been needing to attend to.  I was hoping to be all done by the end of April, but the first week of May will be another big push.  Still, I've done a lot (monsterous, really) and I'm setting myself up for the next piece.  What a huge relief I'll have when it's done.

While I have not added fruits and veggies to every meal, I think about it when I eat and add something to most meals.  Overall, that was a success and I'm looking forward to carrying the cleanse idea with my into May.  I scheduled a haircut; I took my vitamins, I practiced qigong 2-3 times a week, I did some bodytalk, I went on walks and to the gym, and managed to write something in my gratitude journal at least twice a week.  These things have helped make me happy.  I booked a trip to visit my sister and help her plan her wedding.  I've been attending to my relationships and spending time (but I want more!) with people I love.  I've been taking care of business.  It was a business month.  For May, I wish for myself more good and relaxing times with loved ones and just enough business to keep everything moving.

I went to a talk given by another coach and had a uber-enlightening session with her about taking the next step towards figuring out what I want to do professionally.  It starts with being completely honest and identifying what I really want without ruling anything out.  More on this later - it's what I really want to focus on in May, the next piece of my challenge.

Now for the part I've been dreading a little bit...maybe you got tired of reading a ways back and will miss this part.  April was a month of big growth, too.  When I set out on this adventure, I said I wanted to see what would happen if I focused on my priorities and let everything else fall into place, if I didn't try all the time to keep all the balls up and everyone happy.  I decided I was willing to quit clinging to the idea that I had to make my job work and stop letting it stress me out.  I decided to open myself up to life presenting a new way to meet my needs.

I ended up creating a huge headache for myself at work.  Honestly, it might have been coming anyway.  I may have just sped it up a bit.  For the first time in my life, I've been crosswise with management.  They've been coming down hard on me.  At work and in other areas of my life, I felt like my task this month was to figure out appropriate conflict resolution.  I had to confront people at work and in my family.  I learned that sometimes I should show how mad I am, and when to be diplomatic.  I had to stand up for myself and find humility, at the same time.  I had to admit where I'd been slacking and start exploring what it means to be a team player, from a different perspective than I've always had.  And all the while, being honest with myself about how much I care and why.

Bottom line?  Going into May, not only is my job in jeopardy, it's also a huge pain in my butt.  Did I do myself a favor by declaring 4 months ago that it was moving down the priority list, or screw myself?  Or is everything happening just as it should?  This is exactly why I've never moved it down before.  I'm really curious to see how it all works out.  Because that's one thing I also discovered this month...all these years, starting when my mom got sick, I've been hoping that everything would be ok, which is just another way of being worried that it won't.  This month, I've been telling myself that everything will be ok, that I'll be ok, no matter what happens.  That's new.

So where am I as I head into May?  I'm not sure.  In the thick of everything, I guess.  As things continue to get done, my focus will move from getting myself out of the hole I've dug to other things.  I can't wait.  It's scary, since I've been in this place of struggle for so long that in some ways it's all I know, but exciting too.  I really wanted to be doing some art by May.  I don't feel ready yet, but that doesn't mean it won't happen.

I went to bed last night feeling different than I have in a long time.  I almost didn't say anything - I don't want to jinx it.  I felt a lot more joy, coming home to my little family, with less worry about my job or the money I made.  It was a beautiful, barely warm spring evening, and walking through the door and seeing my husband and son getting ready for bed was bliss.  I want to believe this is the beginning of the shift I was looking for when I set out on the art of falling backwards.  We'll see.

I'm not going to add anything new for May in terms of taking care of myself, I'll just try to keep going with what I was able to accomplish this month with qigong, the gym, time outside, etc.  The one thing I will add is that doctor's appointment, and addressing those things.  I'll keep going with the financial stuff, there shouldn't be any surprises in my workload there.  I'll see what happens with my job.  I'll keep up the work I've been doing in my relationships. 

The piece I'll add is exploring and identifying what I want.  Everything else I've said about what I'm going to do is just to get me to this place, figuring out what I truly want.  That's where the fun is, that's the next step.  What I want, ruling nothing out, including how to get there.  May flowers?  I flippin' hope so!

Rollercoaster

I'm a week into the month and it's been a rollercoaster ride.  Not that I'm surprised, but some surprises popped up, changing my plans of what gets attended to this month, and changing the degree to which I'm meeting some of my challenges. 

Still, I've managed to figure out that nourishing myself for this month means making sure that a fresh fruit or vegetable is included in every meal, and that it's realistic to add my bodytalk practice 3 times/ week and qigong 2 days/ week on top of what I've been doing.  Together, these support my overall goal of increasing my energy and cleansing myself.  My physical therapist has me focusing on my body mechanics, which feels like a major chore (every time I sat or stand, pick something up, bend over, get in & out of a car.  A tall order for a busy mom who waitresses!) but I'm keeping my eye on the prize - feeling good in my body.

The rollercoaster has reminded me how critical it is to be consciously aware of feeling everything I feel, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Otherwise they throw me off and shut me down.  But I keep coming back to basics, and ended up trying 2 new great recipes for Easter and rallying my family up to the mountain for last day festivities.  In spite of the rollercoaster of emotions I had throughout the weekend, it ended up being a great Easter.  And recognizing and acknowledging those emotions allowed me to wake up this morning and and make some decisions about what my priorities are in the coming weeks.

One thing I'm noticing, my list of things I do to support myself - going for walks, taking my vitamins, my gratitude journal, my exercises and practices - is transforming from a to-do list to a touchstone.  I began writing them down at the bottom of the page in my daily calendar, and it's bringing me a sense of accomplishment.  My days, which seem like they're going in 18 different directions, feel like they have a sense of being grounded as I incorporate these things throughout my day and write them down.  Even when I feel like everything is in flux and I don't know what's going to happen in my life, I feel like I did something that matters to me.  And the days that these things happen are days that have more smiles and joy.

April Showers

I woke today to clouds and rain. With such an unpredictable winter season, it doesn't look much different today than it has all winter.  But the tulips are poking up, so spring is just around the corner no matter how the day feels.

I've been leaning heavily on the challenge side of this blog, concentrating more lately on the daily tasks than the spirit of it.  Even so, the spirit of it pokes through unexpectedly and surprises me.  I forget, that's the way of a practice; it's like a garden.  Every day you attend to it, and all of a sudden something breaks through; you keep attending to it, and all of a sudden everything's in bloom.

In a way, I've been aligning myself with the seasons.  During these last winter months, I've been attending to what's already come to fruition, for better or for worse, determining what's strong and healthy, and what needs to be trimmed away.  Coming to terms with what I wanted things to become, and what they have become instead.  Understanding that my backyard and my life, for all my hopes, sometimes go different directions than I'd planned.  So this winter season I've been digging up what's past it's time, mourning it, and making way for something new.

For me, it's the smell of the world after a spring rain that rings the arrival of spring.  If I were to design the shape of heaven, it would include the smell of a freshly washed world.  Refreshed.  Cleansed.  This is the spirit I want to bring to April, this piece of my challenge.  It's time to nourish myself as if I were a spring garden. 

Of course, I wouldn't be much of a coach if I didn't identify what this means and what actions I should take.  How do I want to translate this concept into my daily life? 

It's important to keep following through on the work I did this winter, so that's one piece. 

And I've already identified that I want to take it back to basics.  That means making qigong and bodytalk practices the priority, to soak up energy and help my mind and body work together. 

It means turning my attention to my diet, eating nourishing, cleansing foods and staying hydrated.  (That's a practice that seems to trip me up, since a way I've always indulged myself is in eating whatever I want). 

It means the beginning of spring cleaning in my house, or at least thinking about it, and scheduling long overdue haircut and dentist appointments. 

It means that I need to decide exactly what that looks like.  Do I do qigong every day, or 2-3 times a week?  What bodytalk pieces am I going to do, and how often?  What falls in the category of nourishing & cleansing foods?  Am I going to make any exceptions?  When do I need to make these appointments by? 

As I go back and reread those questions, they seem to pile on top of each other.  They feel demanding, like they're being fired at me rapidly, with such expectation.  I wonder how that's all going to get done on top of everything I'm already doing.  Ah, my old copilot, overwhelm. 

This part of the process sometimes feels like a chore, when it's time to translate  intentions into accountability.  How critical is it?  My training in coaching has taught me that it's a pivotal piece.  It seems like if I were really aligned with these intentions, I would initiate them effortlessly.  Yet often there's hidden resistance, so the move from "I'd like to" to "I'm doing it" can be derailed without small, clear, agreeable, doable goals.  This time, even making those little goals feels like a chore.

There's three ways to handle this:  Push through and decide what those small goals are (just do it); let myself off the hook and don't make any goals, trusting that it will somehow come together (highly tempting); or observe myself going through the process and adjust as necessary.  My usual way is to either push through or let myself off the hook.

Since deciding what exactly my intentions looks like in my daily life feels like a chore this time, I'm going to watch and see what happens, focusing more on the process than on the intentions.  Will it be effortless?  Will I somehow resist doing these things?  I'm already feeling resistance around setting the goals, in the form of overwhelm.  Since this experiment is about not pushing forwards, but discovering what happens when I let myself fall backwards, I'm gong to wait and watch and address whatever comes up.  And I'm curious to see what that will be, and what I end up doing as a result.

I guess I've identified the experiment for this month.  I wonder what will happen?