I originally thought this would just be a year's challenge - I didn't know if I would even make it out of the gate, or what I would learn along the way, or what I would have of value at the end. At the end of a year, I feel I've been given a glimpse of a secret, that something wondrous lies further down the path.
If last year was to begin the art of falling backwards, this coming year is to see what happens as a result of having transitioned, of living differently, and of continuing to transition on an even deeper level. What happens now that I've been meditating for several months? What more do I know about how to live, and what does it mean? In what ways will I be going deeper, learning more?
I'm recommitting to falling backwards in this new year. I want to maintain the practice of my challenge - to strengthen and connect, to balance, heal, & transform - and see what happens in a second year, when I have some momentum. To following my enthusiasm, whatever it is, and see where it leads me. To embracing the uncertainty and the journey - enjoying my curiosity and passion for it, trusting that if I pay attention, each new piece will appear as I need it.
I've been thinking about having a soul's Purpose - what I'm giving from my soul, in small and large ways,
what I want to give more of, and how / in what ways doing so will
provide for my needs and the needs of my family. And is it even
something I need to think about, or will it come about naturally?
I've learned that when I speak of falling backwards I'm talking about a shift in my way of being in the world - literally, breaking the habit of how I show up in my life and building new ones. Not just lifestyle habits, but personality habits as well.
Passion, purpose, joy, connection...what will happen as I continue to focus on a life built around these things?
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Thoughts about my Challenge after Year One
These are the questions I've put to myself, at the end of my year's challenge:
1. How has doing this challenge changed my life, in some measurable way?
I am healthier, less run down. I am physically stronger...able to do more in the gym, and enjoying being inside my body more. My back is better. I am happier moment to moment, and have more moments in my days that are infused with a sense of wonder. The only job I have right now is at the Stockyard Cafe, and I'm doing it in a very limited fashion, and the time I spend there makes me happy. It is a happy place, a little piece of heaven here on earth. It is the expression of a person (the owner) in a place in a time, and we all meet her there. She fills a need in the human soul and of the human body (it's a cafe, after all), and to be there is to be nourished. I am measuring my life in moments of peace, connection, bliss, happiness, a feeling that all is right. You cannot summon these moments; they come of their own accord, and what I can measure is how often they are happening, and how good they are making me feel. I think there's more to it; but this is a good start. I would never go back. This experiment was not a bust. It has been, instead, the beginning step in the life I want to live.
"Do what amuses you" is a piece of advice I heard, and it seems to be the best advice I've ever heard when it comes to what to do with yourself. I feel stronger in my heart, in my sense of self. I am more at peace. My marriage is stronger, my friendships more authentic. In a specific, measurable way, I can only say that I'm happier, less stressed, more able to tell you what I want from life.
Right now I feel I've made feeling good in my life, enjoying my days, building my relationships the highest priority in my life. I seem to be operating under the belief that I can't do this and make money at the same time. Maybe that's true. Maybe I needed a reprieve, no matter the cost. Has there been a big cost? I don't know. Have I been operating in lala land, not reality? I don't think so, but again, I don't know. I only know that I've been getting the break I've needed, the nourishment I've needed, the support I've needed. Where does my financial situation play into this? How much control do I need to exert over my circumstances? Can you really make a living operating from this point of view? Finding out is ahead of me.
2. Where am in terms of purpose, passion, joy & connection?
I still don't know what I think my purpose is...that thing I can sink my teeth into, the thing that is my contribution to the world, the way the Stockyard Cafe is my friend Christine's contribution. Not that there's only one contribution or even just one way to contribute. But something that's like a song in our soul that becomes amplified and resonates with other people, nourishing them somehow. I have this idea that this is how I should make my money and receive what I need from the world. Is this true? Or can I contribute in one way, and receive in another?
I want to find a definition of one's purpose that encompasses everything I think about it, how I want to approach it. It seems like one of those terms that's never defined because we all think we get it. Dismiss it, even, as being too obvious, too new age, too reaching, too something. This past year, I've approached it as some kind of Holy Grail, an answer to a yearning I've felt to make my way in this world and provide for myself and my family in a way that makes my soul sing. It's felt beyond me, but that might just be where I was in this journey.
It's funny that I put passion in my original thoughts about Falling Backwards. It's not something I've spent any time thinking about until recently. But I understand that it's always been central to me; I've steered away from anything that seemed to lack it. I don't know if it's at my core, or everyone's core, but I know that I want a life full of it. Not in a get-swept-away-in-the-moment exciting kind of passion, but the passion of being fully alive, fully present, fully interested, fully engaged. I have been following the thread of passion without knowing it, pushing away from what deflates me and embracing what brings life and energy to me. I think I'm living a life with a lot of passion in it at the moment, but I still haven't fully stepped into it, and am still fraught with the worries of not making enough money. I'll be trying to go deeper with this in the coming year's challenge.
Joy. I know more joy. I know more of what brings me joy. I know what takes away my joy. I have seen a glimpse, but this is the beginning of my journey. Joy is a sign you're doing something right.
Connection. This, I've come to believe, is the heart of the matter. I can't really tell you more than this, except that it's a big part of what I'll be exploring this next year. Connection to myself, the world and universe around me, connection to other people, to animals. I want to say that we find redemption in connection, but I don't even know what it means to say that. Connection is sacred and profound and somehow the key.
3. How much better do I know myself, and what I want for my life? How much closer am I to getting it?
Wow. Almost every day for the last 3 months, on the advice of Deepak Chopra, I've taken 5 minutes to meditate on the questions of who I am, what I want for my life, and what I want from my life today. I don't know if I know myself much better, but my thoughts about myself are much clearer. And I understand much more about what I want for my life. Doing this exercise allowed my to get past the top layer of what I want and really explore what's deeper, closer to my heart and my soul. I want more than I ever knew; I see the connections in what I want in ways I never have. And that's without yet going back to reread my thoughts each day after meditating. I'm excited to continue this practice as part of understanding what I want to do here on this earth, on both a daily and overarching level. I am closer to getting it, in the sense that each day I've done this practice, I've been more aligned with what I really want. I have had a better, more fulfilling year than I ever have since early childhood. And I sense that my harvest is young; that it's a first year harvest, that each year has the potential to be more abundant, like a garden that's coming back with more maturity, with stronger, deeper roots.
4. What are the new pieces on the challenge list, or do I simply keep up with the list and go deeper?
My main focus for the second year of my challenge will be to maintain and deepen what I've begun. I think it's a good list, with everything that's needed for a good and fulfilling life. This coming year will be an exploration of these things as I continue with them. Some things I have not accomplished as well as I hoped for the first year: how I eat, an issue with my bladder. But I think they go back to balancing, healing, and transforming. So I'm identifying them as areas of special interest this year, areas where I've had resistance, run out of steam. Integrating them is an important piece of the year's challenge. As I do so, I suspect I'll come up against things in myself that are asking to be addressed.
Deepening connections, and sussing out what I want to do here and if / how I can provide for myself in alignment with this way of viewing life and the world are the other big pieces.
Not as part of my challenge, but as part of the journey, I'll be exploring the impact my thoughts have on my life. Perhaps I will add in to the challenge my relationship with my thoughts, but for now I'm allowing my thoughts to be expressions of what's going on in this experiment and simply observing them.
The one new piece I'm going to add is Receiving - receiving forgiveness, receiving love, receiving abundance, and whatever else is out there to receive.
So, the pieces I'll be integrating next are:
5. When I look at the paragraph I wrote that heads up the blog ("It began with the desire to have less fear and more joy..."), where do I stand with those things?
Living inside the present moment means being aware of the conflicts that arise within us, I've learned. And I am doing it, living this life fully and with joie de vivre, warts and worries and all. I still have much I can do, to live even more that way, and I still have moments when I lapse into my old habits of thinking. I'm realigning what my mind focuses on, as a side effect of the tasks in my challenge.
My question going forward is, will this way of living - of falling backwards - lead my to material as well as soul prosperity? Is it possible to also meet my needs, in this circuitous and happy way? I feel that there are people out there for whom this has happened -- can I be one of them? Can we all? Is there any limit to achieving and receiving what we truly want? I mean, it all sounds good in theory, but can it happen in reality? Some people say so...I guess what I'm really asking, is can it truly happen for me?
6. What has the movement been? How have I experienced a shift? How am I and my life different?
It seems I'm living more on a heart and soul level. I've shifted the driver in my life from my head to my heart, and measure my success not in my pocketbook or my security, but in my ability to embrace uncertainty and how I feel in any given moment. I've quit trying to get to peace, contentment, and fulfillment through security and instead am going straight for them. I am beginning to connect to the people I care about on a different level, and the relationships that really mean something to me are responding in powerful ways. Other relationships are experiencing schisms that have been difficult to understand or accept, but when I let them be, I find they're resetting themselves naturally. I simply don't have to work that hard at it.
What I have had to work hard at are the habits of my mind and body. The challenge and the work has come down to seeing and resetting what isn't serving me, and that has brought about everything the word 'challenge' implies. Habits of thinking, of being, of relating. We tend to think that who we are is the habits that we are; this is simply not true. Who we are is our most authentic, most soul deep, point of view and expression of ourselves. It is not what we think; it's not how we act; it's what we love, and what we love to do. When what we think and how we act reflect what we love, we're getting somewhere. And when we are able to see our fear and feel our fear and thank our fear for watching out for us and then do what we love, we have real power. At least that's what I believe right now. We'll see what this next year brings, and how it affects me, my thoughts, my beliefs, and ultimately, my life. (Yay!)
1. How has doing this challenge changed my life, in some measurable way?
I am healthier, less run down. I am physically stronger...able to do more in the gym, and enjoying being inside my body more. My back is better. I am happier moment to moment, and have more moments in my days that are infused with a sense of wonder. The only job I have right now is at the Stockyard Cafe, and I'm doing it in a very limited fashion, and the time I spend there makes me happy. It is a happy place, a little piece of heaven here on earth. It is the expression of a person (the owner) in a place in a time, and we all meet her there. She fills a need in the human soul and of the human body (it's a cafe, after all), and to be there is to be nourished. I am measuring my life in moments of peace, connection, bliss, happiness, a feeling that all is right. You cannot summon these moments; they come of their own accord, and what I can measure is how often they are happening, and how good they are making me feel. I think there's more to it; but this is a good start. I would never go back. This experiment was not a bust. It has been, instead, the beginning step in the life I want to live.
"Do what amuses you" is a piece of advice I heard, and it seems to be the best advice I've ever heard when it comes to what to do with yourself. I feel stronger in my heart, in my sense of self. I am more at peace. My marriage is stronger, my friendships more authentic. In a specific, measurable way, I can only say that I'm happier, less stressed, more able to tell you what I want from life.
Right now I feel I've made feeling good in my life, enjoying my days, building my relationships the highest priority in my life. I seem to be operating under the belief that I can't do this and make money at the same time. Maybe that's true. Maybe I needed a reprieve, no matter the cost. Has there been a big cost? I don't know. Have I been operating in lala land, not reality? I don't think so, but again, I don't know. I only know that I've been getting the break I've needed, the nourishment I've needed, the support I've needed. Where does my financial situation play into this? How much control do I need to exert over my circumstances? Can you really make a living operating from this point of view? Finding out is ahead of me.
2. Where am in terms of purpose, passion, joy & connection?
I still don't know what I think my purpose is...that thing I can sink my teeth into, the thing that is my contribution to the world, the way the Stockyard Cafe is my friend Christine's contribution. Not that there's only one contribution or even just one way to contribute. But something that's like a song in our soul that becomes amplified and resonates with other people, nourishing them somehow. I have this idea that this is how I should make my money and receive what I need from the world. Is this true? Or can I contribute in one way, and receive in another?
I want to find a definition of one's purpose that encompasses everything I think about it, how I want to approach it. It seems like one of those terms that's never defined because we all think we get it. Dismiss it, even, as being too obvious, too new age, too reaching, too something. This past year, I've approached it as some kind of Holy Grail, an answer to a yearning I've felt to make my way in this world and provide for myself and my family in a way that makes my soul sing. It's felt beyond me, but that might just be where I was in this journey.
It's funny that I put passion in my original thoughts about Falling Backwards. It's not something I've spent any time thinking about until recently. But I understand that it's always been central to me; I've steered away from anything that seemed to lack it. I don't know if it's at my core, or everyone's core, but I know that I want a life full of it. Not in a get-swept-away-in-the-moment exciting kind of passion, but the passion of being fully alive, fully present, fully interested, fully engaged. I have been following the thread of passion without knowing it, pushing away from what deflates me and embracing what brings life and energy to me. I think I'm living a life with a lot of passion in it at the moment, but I still haven't fully stepped into it, and am still fraught with the worries of not making enough money. I'll be trying to go deeper with this in the coming year's challenge.
Joy. I know more joy. I know more of what brings me joy. I know what takes away my joy. I have seen a glimpse, but this is the beginning of my journey. Joy is a sign you're doing something right.
Connection. This, I've come to believe, is the heart of the matter. I can't really tell you more than this, except that it's a big part of what I'll be exploring this next year. Connection to myself, the world and universe around me, connection to other people, to animals. I want to say that we find redemption in connection, but I don't even know what it means to say that. Connection is sacred and profound and somehow the key.
3. How much better do I know myself, and what I want for my life? How much closer am I to getting it?
Wow. Almost every day for the last 3 months, on the advice of Deepak Chopra, I've taken 5 minutes to meditate on the questions of who I am, what I want for my life, and what I want from my life today. I don't know if I know myself much better, but my thoughts about myself are much clearer. And I understand much more about what I want for my life. Doing this exercise allowed my to get past the top layer of what I want and really explore what's deeper, closer to my heart and my soul. I want more than I ever knew; I see the connections in what I want in ways I never have. And that's without yet going back to reread my thoughts each day after meditating. I'm excited to continue this practice as part of understanding what I want to do here on this earth, on both a daily and overarching level. I am closer to getting it, in the sense that each day I've done this practice, I've been more aligned with what I really want. I have had a better, more fulfilling year than I ever have since early childhood. And I sense that my harvest is young; that it's a first year harvest, that each year has the potential to be more abundant, like a garden that's coming back with more maturity, with stronger, deeper roots.
4. What are the new pieces on the challenge list, or do I simply keep up with the list and go deeper?
My main focus for the second year of my challenge will be to maintain and deepen what I've begun. I think it's a good list, with everything that's needed for a good and fulfilling life. This coming year will be an exploration of these things as I continue with them. Some things I have not accomplished as well as I hoped for the first year: how I eat, an issue with my bladder. But I think they go back to balancing, healing, and transforming. So I'm identifying them as areas of special interest this year, areas where I've had resistance, run out of steam. Integrating them is an important piece of the year's challenge. As I do so, I suspect I'll come up against things in myself that are asking to be addressed.
Deepening connections, and sussing out what I want to do here and if / how I can provide for myself in alignment with this way of viewing life and the world are the other big pieces.
Not as part of my challenge, but as part of the journey, I'll be exploring the impact my thoughts have on my life. Perhaps I will add in to the challenge my relationship with my thoughts, but for now I'm allowing my thoughts to be expressions of what's going on in this experiment and simply observing them.
The one new piece I'm going to add is Receiving - receiving forgiveness, receiving love, receiving abundance, and whatever else is out there to receive.
So, the pieces I'll be integrating next are:
- Continuing and deepening what I'm already doing
- Eating well
- Balancing my mind and body
- Connecting
- Receiving
- Purpose - what I'm giving from my soul, in small and large ways, what I want to give more of, and how / in what ways doing so will provide for my needs and the needs of my family. Ad is it even something I need to think about, or will it come about naturally?
5. When I look at the paragraph I wrote that heads up the blog ("It began with the desire to have less fear and more joy..."), where do I stand with those things?
Living inside the present moment means being aware of the conflicts that arise within us, I've learned. And I am doing it, living this life fully and with joie de vivre, warts and worries and all. I still have much I can do, to live even more that way, and I still have moments when I lapse into my old habits of thinking. I'm realigning what my mind focuses on, as a side effect of the tasks in my challenge.
My question going forward is, will this way of living - of falling backwards - lead my to material as well as soul prosperity? Is it possible to also meet my needs, in this circuitous and happy way? I feel that there are people out there for whom this has happened -- can I be one of them? Can we all? Is there any limit to achieving and receiving what we truly want? I mean, it all sounds good in theory, but can it happen in reality? Some people say so...I guess what I'm really asking, is can it truly happen for me?
6. What has the movement been? How have I experienced a shift? How am I and my life different?
It seems I'm living more on a heart and soul level. I've shifted the driver in my life from my head to my heart, and measure my success not in my pocketbook or my security, but in my ability to embrace uncertainty and how I feel in any given moment. I've quit trying to get to peace, contentment, and fulfillment through security and instead am going straight for them. I am beginning to connect to the people I care about on a different level, and the relationships that really mean something to me are responding in powerful ways. Other relationships are experiencing schisms that have been difficult to understand or accept, but when I let them be, I find they're resetting themselves naturally. I simply don't have to work that hard at it.
What I have had to work hard at are the habits of my mind and body. The challenge and the work has come down to seeing and resetting what isn't serving me, and that has brought about everything the word 'challenge' implies. Habits of thinking, of being, of relating. We tend to think that who we are is the habits that we are; this is simply not true. Who we are is our most authentic, most soul deep, point of view and expression of ourselves. It is not what we think; it's not how we act; it's what we love, and what we love to do. When what we think and how we act reflect what we love, we're getting somewhere. And when we are able to see our fear and feel our fear and thank our fear for watching out for us and then do what we love, we have real power. At least that's what I believe right now. We'll see what this next year brings, and how it affects me, my thoughts, my beliefs, and ultimately, my life. (Yay!)
Robots Love Pie
My son created a slogan, which in my mind, is pure poetry. "Robots love pie". Incongruous, and perfect, to a pie lover like me. I love the absurdity of it. I can't tell you what truth resides in this little saying, but there's truth there. And magic. I can feel it. From the mouth of kindergarteners. Ignore the pint sized sages at your own risk!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Fear & Loathing
The essence of conflict is two or more points of view that appear irreconcilable, or that bring up questions for us that we don't know how to answer. It's difficult, I think, to sort through everything you feel and then see your way through it to what you really want. For instance, leaving your job (and the security it provides to you and your loved ones) to follow your dreams, or even find out what your dreams are, creates conflict in everyone I've ever known.
And many people I know, including myself until recently, respond by believing that being comfortable and safe trumps all. (My need for security turned up after I had a child) If they can't see how following their dreams will allow them to continue as they've become accustomed, they'll abandon it. But are the people who settle, in the end, comfortable or safe? Some may be. But others -- they might have nice houses, but they have health problems, or marriage problems, or problems with their kids or addictions, or feel a sense of lack they can't define. All signs of conflict.
So how do you know which side of yourself to listen to? How do you set a course of action when you are being pulled in multiple directions? And how do you find some peace and equanimity in your choice?
This is what I'm exploring.
By default, we often listen to the voice of fear, the part of ourselves that makes sure we are secure, safe, and staying alive. It is a LOUD and INSISTENT voice, a feeling that floods our body, a form of extreme stress. It is beyond uncomfortable to violate whatever boundary we have around our safety, and the beliefs that underlay our point of view. But our heroes, the stuff of stories and legend, are those who seem immune. We yearn to shed the fear and do the things that feel great and wondrous to us, or at the very least we want to hear stories about them.
Our society today spends so much time reassuring people that the choice they've made is the right one: Of course you both have to work, your kids will grow up fine; of course you had to leave, that marriage wasn't working; of course you are managing the stress of living paycheck to paycheck on a combined income over $100K, it's fine to believe that smartphones, cable TV, nice cars, a house we feel is respectable enough, and a yearly trip to the family vacation spot are actually needs. (Even if we know they're not, we would never cut them out in order to quit living paycheck to paycheck and alleviate our stress.)
The rub is, none of us, not a single one, know the truth of these statements for another person. In your own life, you are the only one who can ultimately discern whether these statements are supportive (your spouse died and you have no choice but to work, or the work you do is a true soul's calling, or your child is better off all day in an institution / school than with you) or simply reinforce your justification of the choice you've made.
I've come to believe our health and happiness depends on our personal ability to find our way through our conflicted feelings, to understand where fear (and loathing) are guiding our actions, and where we are living from the soul. There is a right and wrong answer, but only we can find it for ourselves, and we can only find it if we're willing to look past our fear of not having enough, or not being enough.
Understanding this, while critical, is just the first piece. We have to find a way to reconcile these opposing feelings, to acknowledge what isn't working for us and find a solution that gives us what we ultimately truly want. It is okay to need a certain level of security. It's natural. And our fear lets us know, sometimes wisely, that we're pushing a personal limit. But why do we allow this fear to derail our deepest desires in the process? I'm going to assert, at this point in my journey, that the solution is there: That is the Universe's / God's promise to us. The creativity, the uncertainty, that gives birth to possibility -- in this lies the promise. We doubt it, but it's there, if we are willing to let go of how we've always thought and done and go find it.
This is coming to a head for me right now. There are things about my finances that simply aren't working for me. The pressure to go against what I feel is right for myself and my family right now and make more money is enormous. It comes from my fear. It also comes from not having the relationship that I want with money and our finances.
In the past, I succumbed to that fear and found a way to make money, which added stress to my life. Now I'm faced with that same fear again but want to do things differently. I don't know what will happen. But I've stepped outside the pattern, put words to my fears, know that faith or reaction alone isn't the answer. Something in my life isn't working, but I don't have to follow the same old tired way of solving it. This time, I'm finding something new to bring to the table. I started with a conversation with my husband about how the situation is making me feel, and a commitment to work together in our finances. It sounds small, but it feels monumental, so I know I'm on to something.
While the distance between need and greed may be debatable, we all want to live in a sense of abundance. We want to have more than we need; to be able to be generous, to share our bounty, and to feel bounty in our lives. Don't we deserve to? This is not a sarcastic comment. Don't we all deserve to? Isn't it our birthright on this planet to create a life of abundance?
In my mind, this is the crux of it. We know we deserve that abundance, but we've become confused about how to get it. Fear is in control, in the form of the need to pay the bills, so it colors how we think abundance can be achieved.
What is the role that our society should play around these questions of how we live our lives? It's not what we do -- work or not work when there are children who need us, stay or leave a marriage, buy the things we want -- it's what behind it. I believe it does us no service to blindly reassure each other that we're making the right choices, because it's the drive behind the choices, the way we see our choices and our lives, the understanding of ourselves and what we're here to do that's so critical. We can't afford to be lost but not know it. We can't afford to not challenge each other, to seek the truth of where our choices come from and hold that mirror up for each other, with compassion and support.
Thoughts about this are not the same as answers, I know. But very simply, I recognize that there is a conflict in me between my need to survive and my need to thrive. There has to be a way to reconcile them, by identifying what I truly want and need, and finding creative ways to both support that and survive. To be creative requires a willingness to go deep into the unknown, because that is the birthplace of what's possible. And that takes faith, connection, gratitude, and grace.
As I read back over the last paragraph, it seems like finding a creative solution is a no-brainer, and nothing we haven't heard before, I know. But if it was that clear, and that obvious, people would do it all the time. We don't see that these conflicts within us can be reconciled, so we have come to believe that it's normal to struggle with the conflicts that come in turn, and that to be supportive is to commiserate with the effects of choices that aren't working for us, as if there's no other way but to endure. We see settling as obvious.
I'm on a new path, one that's much less traveled.
I'll let you know how it goes...
And many people I know, including myself until recently, respond by believing that being comfortable and safe trumps all. (My need for security turned up after I had a child) If they can't see how following their dreams will allow them to continue as they've become accustomed, they'll abandon it. But are the people who settle, in the end, comfortable or safe? Some may be. But others -- they might have nice houses, but they have health problems, or marriage problems, or problems with their kids or addictions, or feel a sense of lack they can't define. All signs of conflict.
So how do you know which side of yourself to listen to? How do you set a course of action when you are being pulled in multiple directions? And how do you find some peace and equanimity in your choice?
This is what I'm exploring.
By default, we often listen to the voice of fear, the part of ourselves that makes sure we are secure, safe, and staying alive. It is a LOUD and INSISTENT voice, a feeling that floods our body, a form of extreme stress. It is beyond uncomfortable to violate whatever boundary we have around our safety, and the beliefs that underlay our point of view. But our heroes, the stuff of stories and legend, are those who seem immune. We yearn to shed the fear and do the things that feel great and wondrous to us, or at the very least we want to hear stories about them.
Our society today spends so much time reassuring people that the choice they've made is the right one: Of course you both have to work, your kids will grow up fine; of course you had to leave, that marriage wasn't working; of course you are managing the stress of living paycheck to paycheck on a combined income over $100K, it's fine to believe that smartphones, cable TV, nice cars, a house we feel is respectable enough, and a yearly trip to the family vacation spot are actually needs. (Even if we know they're not, we would never cut them out in order to quit living paycheck to paycheck and alleviate our stress.)
The rub is, none of us, not a single one, know the truth of these statements for another person. In your own life, you are the only one who can ultimately discern whether these statements are supportive (your spouse died and you have no choice but to work, or the work you do is a true soul's calling, or your child is better off all day in an institution / school than with you) or simply reinforce your justification of the choice you've made.
I've come to believe our health and happiness depends on our personal ability to find our way through our conflicted feelings, to understand where fear (and loathing) are guiding our actions, and where we are living from the soul. There is a right and wrong answer, but only we can find it for ourselves, and we can only find it if we're willing to look past our fear of not having enough, or not being enough.
Understanding this, while critical, is just the first piece. We have to find a way to reconcile these opposing feelings, to acknowledge what isn't working for us and find a solution that gives us what we ultimately truly want. It is okay to need a certain level of security. It's natural. And our fear lets us know, sometimes wisely, that we're pushing a personal limit. But why do we allow this fear to derail our deepest desires in the process? I'm going to assert, at this point in my journey, that the solution is there: That is the Universe's / God's promise to us. The creativity, the uncertainty, that gives birth to possibility -- in this lies the promise. We doubt it, but it's there, if we are willing to let go of how we've always thought and done and go find it.
This is coming to a head for me right now. There are things about my finances that simply aren't working for me. The pressure to go against what I feel is right for myself and my family right now and make more money is enormous. It comes from my fear. It also comes from not having the relationship that I want with money and our finances.
In the past, I succumbed to that fear and found a way to make money, which added stress to my life. Now I'm faced with that same fear again but want to do things differently. I don't know what will happen. But I've stepped outside the pattern, put words to my fears, know that faith or reaction alone isn't the answer. Something in my life isn't working, but I don't have to follow the same old tired way of solving it. This time, I'm finding something new to bring to the table. I started with a conversation with my husband about how the situation is making me feel, and a commitment to work together in our finances. It sounds small, but it feels monumental, so I know I'm on to something.
While the distance between need and greed may be debatable, we all want to live in a sense of abundance. We want to have more than we need; to be able to be generous, to share our bounty, and to feel bounty in our lives. Don't we deserve to? This is not a sarcastic comment. Don't we all deserve to? Isn't it our birthright on this planet to create a life of abundance?
In my mind, this is the crux of it. We know we deserve that abundance, but we've become confused about how to get it. Fear is in control, in the form of the need to pay the bills, so it colors how we think abundance can be achieved.
What is the role that our society should play around these questions of how we live our lives? It's not what we do -- work or not work when there are children who need us, stay or leave a marriage, buy the things we want -- it's what behind it. I believe it does us no service to blindly reassure each other that we're making the right choices, because it's the drive behind the choices, the way we see our choices and our lives, the understanding of ourselves and what we're here to do that's so critical. We can't afford to be lost but not know it. We can't afford to not challenge each other, to seek the truth of where our choices come from and hold that mirror up for each other, with compassion and support.
Thoughts about this are not the same as answers, I know. But very simply, I recognize that there is a conflict in me between my need to survive and my need to thrive. There has to be a way to reconcile them, by identifying what I truly want and need, and finding creative ways to both support that and survive. To be creative requires a willingness to go deep into the unknown, because that is the birthplace of what's possible. And that takes faith, connection, gratitude, and grace.
As I read back over the last paragraph, it seems like finding a creative solution is a no-brainer, and nothing we haven't heard before, I know. But if it was that clear, and that obvious, people would do it all the time. We don't see that these conflicts within us can be reconciled, so we have come to believe that it's normal to struggle with the conflicts that come in turn, and that to be supportive is to commiserate with the effects of choices that aren't working for us, as if there's no other way but to endure. We see settling as obvious.
I'm on a new path, one that's much less traveled.
I'll let you know how it goes...
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Next
So what now? I'm to the point where all of the things on my challenge list are being done, as a regular part of my life. My weakest area is how I eat. That's the only area that I don't feel on track. And it plays into how I see my challenge shifting.
How I nourish my body is one piece.
Really finding the groove of all I've incorporated is another.
Changing my relationship with money (and time?) is another.
Lightening up is on there too.
Balancing and healing.
Focusing on connection.
And finding my purpose, and doing it.
I did find another job, easy as pie. The day I left on vacation after quitting my job, I put a couple of calls out. Christine, my favorite boss ever and the owner of an off the beaten path breakfast joint called The Stockyard Cafe, called me back. She needed me, in fact the timing was fortuitous. We would help each other out. The day after I got back from my vacation, I was back to work. Making slightly less money, but in a world that makes me happy. With a boss who believes I'm as beneficial to her as she is to me; who wants the job to work in my life as well as in hers. Who is a good friend and fun to be around. A temporary job with no set end date -- just what I need right now.
Things have been shifting rapidly since September. School started, and now I have just a 2 hour window each day to myself to work. I find myself stealing time in the afternoons and evenings, which makes me want to find a daily schedule that works without that strange pressure. In October, we went on a road trip and I switched jobs; this month I'm reeling from that and spent the Thanksgiving holidays with my husband's family, which adds to the sense of being jostled around.
I want this schedule, this time with my son. I love it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But I'd like to get in a rhythm. I'd like to feel like I have time to do the things I want to attend to. I think this stems mostly from where I am in the challenge, trying to sort through what to do next, learning so much and needing the time to process and incorporate it. So that's what I'm trying to do here, and in the next few posts.
How I nourish my body is one piece.
Really finding the groove of all I've incorporated is another.
Changing my relationship with money (and time?) is another.
Lightening up is on there too.
Balancing and healing.
Focusing on connection.
And finding my purpose, and doing it.
I did find another job, easy as pie. The day I left on vacation after quitting my job, I put a couple of calls out. Christine, my favorite boss ever and the owner of an off the beaten path breakfast joint called The Stockyard Cafe, called me back. She needed me, in fact the timing was fortuitous. We would help each other out. The day after I got back from my vacation, I was back to work. Making slightly less money, but in a world that makes me happy. With a boss who believes I'm as beneficial to her as she is to me; who wants the job to work in my life as well as in hers. Who is a good friend and fun to be around. A temporary job with no set end date -- just what I need right now.
Things have been shifting rapidly since September. School started, and now I have just a 2 hour window each day to myself to work. I find myself stealing time in the afternoons and evenings, which makes me want to find a daily schedule that works without that strange pressure. In October, we went on a road trip and I switched jobs; this month I'm reeling from that and spent the Thanksgiving holidays with my husband's family, which adds to the sense of being jostled around.
I want this schedule, this time with my son. I love it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But I'd like to get in a rhythm. I'd like to feel like I have time to do the things I want to attend to. I think this stems mostly from where I am in the challenge, trying to sort through what to do next, learning so much and needing the time to process and incorporate it. So that's what I'm trying to do here, and in the next few posts.
October & November Challenge Update
As I look back at my posts for this year, my challenge updates are my least favorite. Valuable to me, I suppose, in terms of tracking progress in detail, but boring. I'm going to have to figure out a new way to note those details without asking you, dear reader, to wade through them with me.
Already I am turning to the end of the year, to looking back and seeing how my grand experiment worked out. I feel that, as if this were a magazine article, these posts should be clear, well thought out, and resolved somehow, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel as if I spent this last year on the trail of a treasure map, and while I found it (!!!) I'm now looking at it, trying to decipher it and figure out what to do next. So please forgive me if this post is an effort to gain clarity and direction.
What I can tell you for sure is that they were right, all those gurus, talking about exercise and meditation, eating right and getting enough sleep. That's no surprise, I mean, we all know it makes sense, right? And right was the little guru inside me. I was right to upend everything and follow my heart, my soul, my instincts; I was right to let go of how I thought I was supposed to do things and fall backwards, in spite of the risk.
What I couldn't have told you is WHY the gurus were right. Looking back, I thought that doing those things -- meditating, eating right -- would fit into the life I'd constructed for myself, the way I had of doing things. That they would make the merry-go-round I was on more enjoyable or more bearable. They would make it easier to do what I was already doing.
It doesn't work like that, though. It's only true to a degree. Remember my analogy of the rocks fitting into the jar, how I decided that my job and obligations would no longer be the big rocks, that meditation and taking care of myself would be? It turns out that the job I had didn't fit in the jar if it wasn't a big rock. It turns out I had to let go of that job and find one that fit.
Doing these things, the nuts and bolts of the challenge, didn't make my life work better as it was. I mean, they did, but there was more. Doing them made me see my life differently, live my life differently. And I am happier. If there's one sure way to measure the success of my challenge, that's it. Happiness is concrete and ethereal at the same time; difficult to define but easy to identify. I am no more secure in some ways than I was before -- money in the bank, income, etc (possibly even less) -- but I am secure in a deeper, more profound, more connected way. It's how you see your security that matters. Which makes sense, because security is all in our minds, anyway.
When I look back at the challenge list, for the most part I'm doing all of it, with little effort. They have become how I prefer to live my days. They are what I spend my time on, and my world hasn't imploded as a result. I am stronger, in every way, more healed, replenished. I am still healing, but I am miles from where I started. Meditating, sleeping, exercising, spending time outdoors, and nourishing my relationships are my big rocks, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I started a painting, and hope to finish it by the end of the year. I'm wondering what my purpose here is, that thing that will set my heart on fire, and shaping my challenge for next year. I feel as if my challenge is really only half done, in terms of the art of falling backwards. Finding my passion and purpose, and practicing them - doing them - is still on the table.
I am finding my place in the universe, and that makes me feel secure in ways that money never could. As I wind down this year, new doors are opening. If last January I went in search of a treasure map with little more to aid me than O Magazine, stories and images that popped up in my life, and my own sense of the world, then this coming year will be about following the path on the map.
And the map? It's the trail of clues the universe has given me. I'm not looking down at the map, concise, linear, clearly marked from here to there. Like Alice in Wonderland, I followed the rabbit down the hole and am living inside the map. It's a journey of discovery, and promise. I feel as if it's my mind that's struggling to catch up, make sense of things, have a plan so I can structure my days accordingly. Do I need to? I'm not sure. But I do know that all of these thoughts need a place to go. Because I'm basically figuring this out on my own, aided by the words of those who've gone before and marked the path, I need some kind of clarity around what I'm doing, and why.
That's what I'll be working on this next month, sorting out what all I've learned and where I'm going with it. Figuring out what my days will look like, shaping the next piece of my challenge. With gratitude, since Thanksgiving has reminded me how important gratitude, and grace, are in the world, and in my heart.
Already I am turning to the end of the year, to looking back and seeing how my grand experiment worked out. I feel that, as if this were a magazine article, these posts should be clear, well thought out, and resolved somehow, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel as if I spent this last year on the trail of a treasure map, and while I found it (!!!) I'm now looking at it, trying to decipher it and figure out what to do next. So please forgive me if this post is an effort to gain clarity and direction.
What I can tell you for sure is that they were right, all those gurus, talking about exercise and meditation, eating right and getting enough sleep. That's no surprise, I mean, we all know it makes sense, right? And right was the little guru inside me. I was right to upend everything and follow my heart, my soul, my instincts; I was right to let go of how I thought I was supposed to do things and fall backwards, in spite of the risk.
What I couldn't have told you is WHY the gurus were right. Looking back, I thought that doing those things -- meditating, eating right -- would fit into the life I'd constructed for myself, the way I had of doing things. That they would make the merry-go-round I was on more enjoyable or more bearable. They would make it easier to do what I was already doing.
It doesn't work like that, though. It's only true to a degree. Remember my analogy of the rocks fitting into the jar, how I decided that my job and obligations would no longer be the big rocks, that meditation and taking care of myself would be? It turns out that the job I had didn't fit in the jar if it wasn't a big rock. It turns out I had to let go of that job and find one that fit.
Doing these things, the nuts and bolts of the challenge, didn't make my life work better as it was. I mean, they did, but there was more. Doing them made me see my life differently, live my life differently. And I am happier. If there's one sure way to measure the success of my challenge, that's it. Happiness is concrete and ethereal at the same time; difficult to define but easy to identify. I am no more secure in some ways than I was before -- money in the bank, income, etc (possibly even less) -- but I am secure in a deeper, more profound, more connected way. It's how you see your security that matters. Which makes sense, because security is all in our minds, anyway.
When I look back at the challenge list, for the most part I'm doing all of it, with little effort. They have become how I prefer to live my days. They are what I spend my time on, and my world hasn't imploded as a result. I am stronger, in every way, more healed, replenished. I am still healing, but I am miles from where I started. Meditating, sleeping, exercising, spending time outdoors, and nourishing my relationships are my big rocks, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I started a painting, and hope to finish it by the end of the year. I'm wondering what my purpose here is, that thing that will set my heart on fire, and shaping my challenge for next year. I feel as if my challenge is really only half done, in terms of the art of falling backwards. Finding my passion and purpose, and practicing them - doing them - is still on the table.
I am finding my place in the universe, and that makes me feel secure in ways that money never could. As I wind down this year, new doors are opening. If last January I went in search of a treasure map with little more to aid me than O Magazine, stories and images that popped up in my life, and my own sense of the world, then this coming year will be about following the path on the map.
And the map? It's the trail of clues the universe has given me. I'm not looking down at the map, concise, linear, clearly marked from here to there. Like Alice in Wonderland, I followed the rabbit down the hole and am living inside the map. It's a journey of discovery, and promise. I feel as if it's my mind that's struggling to catch up, make sense of things, have a plan so I can structure my days accordingly. Do I need to? I'm not sure. But I do know that all of these thoughts need a place to go. Because I'm basically figuring this out on my own, aided by the words of those who've gone before and marked the path, I need some kind of clarity around what I'm doing, and why.
That's what I'll be working on this next month, sorting out what all I've learned and where I'm going with it. Figuring out what my days will look like, shaping the next piece of my challenge. With gratitude, since Thanksgiving has reminded me how important gratitude, and grace, are in the world, and in my heart.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Month 9 Challenge Update - September
September flew by so fast that I'm doing my monthly challenge update halfway through October. Crazy! Is this something I'm going to have to get used to about my life these days? As far as my challenge goes, it's taking me down its ever winding path...the key piece is routine and a positive feedback loop. Basically, getting the ball rolling and enjoying how it rolls makes keeping it rolling a lot easier. So at this point, I've created my daily routine that is good for me mentally, physically, and emotionally and I'm just going along my days doing it. Key things in my marriage, my finances, and my son's health are being addressed. My own health is just moving along. I'm spending most of my time with my son, who's 1/2 day in kindergarten, and when he's at school I'm painting or meeting with my husband.
"Living life is like constructing a building; if you start wrong, you'll end wrong." - Maya Angelou
Part of falling backwards is reworking the foundation of your life and trusting what will be built as a result. It's letting go of the urgent business of survival and focusing instead on what's most important overall. It's giving yourself a chance to right what was wrong so your building and your life are strong.
The question for me now is, what's going to happen as a result? My challenge technically ends in 2 and 1/2 months. A week ago, I up and quit my job based on instinct. We have very little money. What will happen? Will we be provided for? I made a few calls, feel open to what comes. So what will? And how will it affect my life overall?
"Living life is like constructing a building; if you start wrong, you'll end wrong." - Maya Angelou
Part of falling backwards is reworking the foundation of your life and trusting what will be built as a result. It's letting go of the urgent business of survival and focusing instead on what's most important overall. It's giving yourself a chance to right what was wrong so your building and your life are strong.
The question for me now is, what's going to happen as a result? My challenge technically ends in 2 and 1/2 months. A week ago, I up and quit my job based on instinct. We have very little money. What will happen? Will we be provided for? I made a few calls, feel open to what comes. So what will? And how will it affect my life overall?
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